Non horsy husbands...

[krissy3]

I have a new husband , he had a horse for 15 to 20 years before I came along, he even has a barn, and pasture ......but he refuses to have anything to do with the small horses I have now, and the donkey we have is HIS.He doesnt like the dirt , smell , hay, or responsibility. This leaves EVERYTHING to me. Shoveling snow everyday in winter, lifting those heavy round bales of hay, vet appointments, worming , cleaning feeding , hoof trims, hauling , showing, grooming ...you name it. My husband has a 30 room hotel , and I manage this huge nightmare everyday for him....wouldnt you think I could get a little help from him in my horse dept?....Does anyone else have a husband like this ? and if so , how do you cope with it?

 

[laughingllama75]

as a matter of fact.....I have one just like him.

I run the office of his business, but I also profit from it, as it keeps our bills paid. I am sure that is what your hubby is thinking too. My Hus never had "pets" growing up. Every animal at thier place was to be food or the dogs were used as hunting, to provide food. He does not help with anything in the barn, unless I beg him to- usually I just hire it done. We have a neighbor kid that shovels/throws hay and whatever else I need for a small ammount of $, and it is worth it. I know it is a pain, but isn't your hubby worth it in every other way?

 

[Jill]

I am very lucky because Harvey does so much (nearly all) of the physically hard horse work. When he and I talk, or basically when he's talking and I'm around -- the horses are just my thing not his. However, I have over heard him many times over the years when he didn't know I could and he's telling this person and that person ALL about our horses (and getting it right, too!). Basically bragging about his horses

And sometimes hear him over the cameras baby talking to the mares, too.

The flip side of a husband who's not horsey might even be worse in some ways. Over the years, I've known couples where both had their own horse skills and their own ways. I get so in knots about how the horses should be cared for and if my husband had other ideas that I thought were not as good for the horses, I think it would cause a lot of problem.

Have you tried talking to your husband? Maybe he could see it as a trade off if nothing else... you're helping him with the hotel doing something you're better at handling than he is, so maybe he can do some of the horse chores that are harder for you?

Good luck!

 

[LittleRibbie]

I have to agree with Jills suggestions.

My husband isnt a horse person but he does every bit of the heavy duty things like adding pastures and fixing things in the barn. Brings home carrots,apples and treats for them all the time.....almost to a fault.....I have to tell him ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Once when he went grocery shopping he even brought home a box of Cinnamon Oat Clusters......we do not eat cereal. When I asked him what those were for he said they were for the horses....THEY"LL LOVE EM !!!

I think you just need a sit down and explain all the things you do to help the hotel run smooth....maybe he doesnt realize all you actually do. Could it be he would like to help you but he perhaps feels like you dont want his help. Just a thought.

 

[Bess Kelly]

For years I helped run a huge business with my hubby. But, we were BOTH horse addicts

We had equipment and hired help when the farm became that "large". Partly because we had to travel from VA to FL to oversee that part of the business but, also to give us free time to travel, work, play and KNOW animals were all cared for. Plus, we used a home "in town", 50 miles away, as our primary residence -- usually staying at our farm weekends, or straight thru and visiting "in town" in foaling/breeding season.

You can talk all you want but, if he is NOT interested in that area of life anymore he is not going to change very much. He will understand why he has a bill for getting the work done, however.

So, hire more maids or a stall cleaner??? From the looks of some of the rooms I remember after check-outs at a motel of ours, the work is about the same

 

[minie812]

John was never a horsey person that much until the minis. He has become the designated imprinter of foals and I had to email pics of his new "son" to work yesterday so he could show the guys

Since my hands and "ARTHUR ITIS" have settled in he is helping with the heavy stuff or rigging things to make it easier for me to do things. If I can't I wait till he gets home for him to do it. I had told him a year ago I did not think I could continue without his help and would probably have to sell most of the minis & his response was " It wouldn't be the same not coming home and seeing them in the barn"

so he chipped right in to help. I would suggest you talk with him honestly about things and your feelings. As John said "I can't read your mind?"

 

[Reble]

Hire someone is your best bet, and watch how he might get curious when you are out there more with the hired help...

 

[Hosscrazy]

I had one of those for 12 years - it finally came down to "it's either me or the horses"... Well, that was 8 years ago and I did the right thing...me and my horses could not be any happier!

Liz R.

 

[Sonya]

My husband is not horsey at all.....when I had them. He did not help with them unless I asked or if I was sick he would do it w/o me asking. I did everything, but when I needed help..making more pasture, adding to the barn, he did it...of course, when he talked about them to others, you would swear they were his and like someone else said ...all those times I would talk and I didn't think he was listening, he really was. I caught him a couple times out there loving on them, but he would never admit it so I didn't make a big deal about it.

Sounds like you are newly married? My advice would be to not push it on him...aside from the hotel (which I''m assuming is more like a business/income instead of a hobby) does he have something he is passionate about? Hunting, fishing, etc...? Do you participate in his hobby? If not, then why would you expect him to participate in yours?

It is not a bad thing to have your "own" thing if you think about it. It is "yours" and yours alone.....I think he will come around with time when he sees how important the horses are to you...just don't push it on him

edited to add: if you do need help with something physical he should help you no doubt, just ask....but don't be upset that you have to ask...as long as he does it!

 

[Marty]

Non-horsey husband here too. He was brought up within the Thoroughbred industry in Kentucky, with his brother being named Breeder of the Year, but no matter, he's still not horsey any more. Minis are not his passion or priority. Keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table is.

As far as the money, I purchased the horses with my money. They are my responsibility in every way. If I can't support them on my income, then there will be a problem because Hus is not going to pay for their upkeep and never has. I also work in our family business and I do all the daily chores, feeding, cleaning stalls etc. and I do not expect him to help with any of it and I don't ask. I like to be self-efficient and do things my way anyhow. The horses are my domain and I prefer it that way. I must admit that since I've been very sick these past couple of months he has done some of the feeding for me and its a wonder he didn't founder the whole herd doing it "his way." He thinks I starve them and they should be fed pounds and pounds and pounds of food

but I certainly appreciate his efforts.

When it comes time for the big stuff, fencing or building, he will step in and take over, because I will make a disasater left to my own devices, but I don't just stand on the side lines and watch him work. I have clocked a lot of time with a nail and hammer and set my share of fence posts and pulling fence lines too.

I have a bad back, more surgeries than I want to think of, and I also had a mini-stroke a few years ago and I don't have full use of my left arm and sometimes my left leg doesn't work right so I am not nearly as strong as I used to be, not to mention I'm getting OLD. So meet ROVER. We found it at a yard sale and the owner just happened to owe us money so we got a very good deal on it and I honestly couldn't do my daily chores now with out it. I back it up to my truck when it is full of feed or hay and just push the stuff onto it to be able to unload it myself. I drive it from stall to stall to clean them and it has a dumping bed. I use it for everything. Maybe you can look into something like that to help you out too to lighten your load.

You and your new husband should have talked this all over in detail pre-wedding, but since you didn't, its important now that you both talk this through and keep the lines of communication open. Write down all the chores you do and present it to him so he will be able to get a better idea of just exactly how much you do and express your concerns openly before this festers any longer because it sounds like you are about to blow. He has got to know that you are not made of steel and you need help with certain things and if he wants to keep his donkey, getting down and smelly, and dirty are all part of it. Remember, when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Good luck to you and best wishes.

 

[TheCaseFamily00]

My husband could take them or leave them,he doesn't help with their care. If I couldn't care for them he would. I'm very stuburn,just today I wanted a couple fence panels put up. I have the i'll do it myself attitude,even if it kills me

. He came out,you're so impatient,he procrastinates,I don't

. We have our own hobbies,it's worked well for 17 years.The last time we went horse hunting he picked 1 out,he doesn't do anything with her. I told him since he bought her I'd take care of her

. I hope your husband comes around,just make sure you never quite talking

.

 

[Mona]

My hubby is definately a "non-horsey" husband. He does not at all share in my "attraction" (or addiction:wink) to these little wonders! However, he IS VERY supportive of my "habit" and is very helpful in doing the building, fencing, heavy lifting, hay hauling, water hauling in winter etc. He will also make trips to pick up or deliver horses for me when I am unable to. If I am away, he will do the feeding etc. for me. I have even recently convinced him to pick the stallions pen daily for me if I am away...it only took 15 years for that one!

I have never asked him to clean stalls, as I know that would be pushing it!

I have one heck of a good man here to do all this for me just because he knows it will keep me happy!! I soooo love and appreciate him!

 

[CZP1]

Marriage is alot of work! After 23 years I can tell you.....

My hubbys hobby is racing, he has a race car. I have the horses. He is willing to do stuff around the place if needed. He does the heavy lifting as I have arthritis in my back, knees, feet and he gets mad when he sees me doing that kind of stuff. He does everything on his race car and I do all the house and horse stuff. I support him and he supports me.

It hasn't been easy but communication is the key and tell him how you feel. Sometimes one has to make sacrifices - it stinks

sometimes but may help in the long run as long as you don't hold it against them.

Good luck and it will work out!

 

[krissy3]

thanks everyone , I knew some of you could relate and have some advice. I am a BIG communicator , he is not. We, or I talked about a lot of things before I moved half way around the world leaving my friends, family and one mini horses behind. He knew exactly what he was getting into, and the horse thing was no surprise....he is a work -aholic and has to be at the hotel even when its closed...i wish he would enjoy more of his hobbies..in fact i pushed him out the door to go skiing today while i held down the fort. I will keep trying ..but not pushing....I am going to be 40 this year, and i am feeling the stiff back ,sore arms, and for the first time in my life things are too heavy for me , and its real frustrating. I agree its important to have different hobbies , especially when you work together...its just nice to know I am not alone with this delima.

Krissy

 

[minie812]

Non-horsey husband here too. He was brought up within the Thoroughbred industry in Kentucky, with his brother being named Breeder of the Year, but no matter, he's still not horsey any more. Minis are not his passion or priority. Keeping a roof over our heads and food on the table is.
As far as the money, I purchased the horses with my money. They are my responsibility in every way. If I can't support them on my income, then there will be a problem because Hus is not going to pay for their upkeep and never has. I also work in our family business and I do all the daily chores, feeding, cleaning stalls etc. and I do not expect him to help with any of it and I don't ask. I like to be self-efficient and do things my way anyhow. The horses are my domain and I prefer it that way. I must admit that since I've been very sick these past couple of months he has done some of the feeding for me and its a wonder he didn't founder the whole herd doing it "his way." He thinks I starve them and they should be fed pounds and pounds and pounds of food

but I certainly appreciate his efforts.

When it comes time for the big stuff, fencing or building, he will step in and take over, because I will make a disasater left to my own devices, but I don't just stand on the side lines and watch him work. I have clocked a lot of time with a nail and hammer and set my share of fence posts and pulling fence lines too.

I have a bad back, more surgeries than I want to think of, and I also had a mini-stroke a few years ago and I don't have full use of my left arm and sometimes my left leg doesn't work right so I am not nearly as strong as I used to be, not to mention I'm getting OLD. So meet ROVER. We found it at a yard sale and the owner just happened to owe us money so we got a very good deal on it and I honestly couldn't do my daily chores now with out it. I back it up to my truck when it is full of feed or hay and just push the stuff onto it to be able to unload it myself. I drive it from stall to stall to clean them and it has a dumping bed. I use it for everything. Maybe you can look into something like that to help you out too to lighten your load.

You and your new husband should have talked this all over in detail pre-wedding, but since you didn't, its important now that you both talk this through and keep the lines of communication open. Write down all the chores you do and present it to him so he will be able to get a better idea of just exactly how much you do and express your concerns openly before this festers any longer because it sounds like you are about to blow. He has got to know that you are not made of steel and you need help with certain things and if he wants to keep his donkey, getting down and smelly, and dirty are all part of it. Remember, when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Good luck to you and best wishes.

I am gonna get a ROVER. That would help me alot with chores. I mosey around on my little garden tractor and trailer right now.

 

[Matt73]

My hubby is definately a "non-horsey" husband. He does not at all share in my "attraction" (or addiction:wink) to these little wonders! However, he IS VERY supportive of my "habit" and is very helpful in doing the building, fencing, heavy lifting, hay hauling, water hauling in winter etc. He will also make trips to pick up or deliver horses for me when I am unable to. If I am away, he will do the feeding etc. for me. I have even recently convinced him to pick the stallions pen daily for me if I am away...it only took 15 years for that one!

I have never asked him to clean stalls, as I know that would be pushing it!

I have one heck of a good man here to do all this for me just because he knows it will keep me happy!! I soooo love and appreciate him!

My partner (not my husband...yet

) is much the same as yours, Mona. He wants me to be happy and does all of the "manly" stuff (ie. building stuff

). Yes, I'm a useless city-bred born and raised guy. We have had our arguments (for instance, he wonders why I muck stalls everyday instead of letting it build up and then taking it all out at once (cow guy

) , or wonders why I dump water buckets every morning and fill them...he HATES waste...LOL). But we've grown to understand each other and he pretty much leaves me to my own devices and is there when I need him to feed, turnout, etc. He's pretty awesome in a lot of ways, and has helped me pay for my guys...so I know I have to overlook things that may bug me...God knows he overlooks my many many faults

 

[maplegum]

Although my husband doesn't have the same obsession with the little horses that I do, he is still wonderful and will do what ever it takes.

If he is at home, I send him messages to move the horses from field to field, feed them etc. No complaints at all. He adores the horses.

 

[SHANA]

My husband was non-horsey when we met. He was(and still is) a dairy farmer born and bred. Anyway as a wedding gift I gave him his own horse, a arabian filly. Sadly that filly did not grow tall enough for him so we had to sell her but I bought a taller arabian mare for him whom he loves to pieces. Her name is SPH Sameera Sunnphire. I bred her and sold her as a 2 year old and was able to buy her back as a 4 year old. She is registered in his name. I also gave him a mini mare(she is registered in my name but his horse). Her name is Cherokee Stables Ohso Dandy. He trained her to drive. Dandy's 2008 filly he also claimed as his.

I recently bought him another mini mare to match Dandy so he can have a team hitch. The new mare is named Lucky K Here For The Party, aka Lucky.

My husband is great. I am laid up and cannot do my chores as I had a c-section on March 19th and cannot do anything for 6 weeks(May 1st). My husband is doing all my chores. Since the weather has been warm lately I told him to put all the horses outside except Minni Spark Black Blinker No5 as she is due to foal anytime and she is hard to catch. So he only has one stall in the barn to muck out. He's great. I did reduce my horse numbers. I had 21 horses here in December and now am down to 15 here.

 

[disneyhorse]

I am fortunate that my husband is pretty horsey

The guy I dated before, for six years, was not really horsey or outdoorsy... and it came down to "me or the horses" and of course my relationship with horses had seniority and that's the way it went! We did date for a long time but honestly I felt that if the partner couldn't be fine with the horses, it probably wouldn't work out... horses are smelly, expensive, time consuming, and all sorts of other things that non-horse people just can't figure out why we do it.

My husband has "his" horse and he does try to get out to work with her... but he does work very hard and has his own hobbies and prefers to rest on his days off from work whereas I enjoy all of the cleaning and feeding anyway. He's great about helping out at horse shows, and entering the Gentleman's driving classes that I can't enter

If he does offer to help clean around the barn or fix something or whatever, I make sure I thank him profusely and let him know it's appreciated!!!

I guess it's important that you try not to make YOUR hobby HIS burden, and maybe realize that he will never be "into it." Lots of husbands don't want anything to do with their wives' hobbies (gardening, knitting, quilting, bingo night, whatever) and it's perfectly normal and healthy. If you are struggling with the work, you might have to evaluate if you're going about your hobby the right way (own less horses, lease a horse, just take riding lessons, etc) so that you are enjoying it.

I'm not sure I'd do the "well I work for YOUR hotel, so you should help out with MY horses" because that sounds like it could turn around and make him bitter over time. He has no reason to need to be involved in your hobby unless he wants to. My husband plays World of Warcraft for hours and hours, and I have NO interest in playing or knowing anything about it! He's offered, but I'm fine not to

Marriage is interesting, to be sure. Every relationship is different, so no one can give the answers for you. Good luck!

Andrea

 

[susanne]

He said it was him or the animals [sob] and we miss him!

Okay...absolutely not the case with Keith (lucky for him!) -- but that's my favorite t-shirt.

Andrea's absolutely correct -- it's for better and for worse, but not necessarily for loving one another's hobbies. The important thing is to support and encourage one another in following your hearts' desires.

Keith and I always say we're each other's enablers. We both love animals, art and music, and we truly enable one another in pursuing all of the above. I know so many musicians whose significant others try to get them to quit -- an absolute crime against humanity as I see it.

On the other hand, Keith loves movies and sees everything while I'd rather read the book. I love gardening, yet the most he does is lift the heavy stuff for me.

My fortunately finally ex sister in law from h ell wanted my brother to do only things they could do together -- of course, she's too dumb to do anything -- and hated his music, car racing and restoration of my father's fire truck. She wanted him to stay home and watch TV. She's now history and he has a sweet girlfriend who pursues her own interests while encouraging his.

Keith and I are 100% into our animals, but the most important thing is that we love seeing each other pursue what we love and what makes us happy. That, to me, is the key to a happy marriage. (And the fact that he makes a killer French Toast!)