Married women of the forum

[minisaremighty]

[SIZE=10pt]I[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt]n light of lvponies thread, I thought I would start a new thread.[/SIZE]

Just some things to ponder.

When you first got married, how did you look? Did you take pride in your appearance? Wear make up? Dress nice?

Do you still take pride in how you look? Do you still wear make up? Do you still dress nice?

When you first got married did you put your husband first?

Do you still put your husband first?

When you first got married, was there a lot of "passion"?

Is there still a lot of "passion"?

When you first got married, did you treat your husband with respect and like a MAN?

Do you still treat him with respect and like a man? Or do you belittle and yell at him when you are unhappy?

_______________________

I think many of us after so many years of marriage start to take things for granted. We get comfortable. Our lives expand, we have children, we get busy. Many of us wives stay home and tend to the kids, home and critters. We get in a rut.

I realized awhile back that I had become frumpy. I was the typical stay at home mom. I wore sweats, no makeup, gained weight and was tired all the time. This was not what my husband married. This was not what I wanted to be. I wasn't getting out of our marrige what I wanted anymore and neither was my husband.

Like a few others have mentioned, I read the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and the light went off. I realized that a big majority of it was my fault and under my control to change.

I now dress nice again. I now wear make up again EVERY day, I now exercise and eat right. I've lost weight. I treat my husband with respect and like a MAN. A man needs to be treated like a MAN to feed his pride. My husband says I look better than I ever have and he's continually showing/telling me how he feels about me.

We had lost the passion in our lives, but after stepping up and taking responsibility for my role in our "boring" life, we got our passion back and it's better than it ever was before. We have fallen in love all over again and it's the best thing ever.

I put my husband FIRST now over everything, including the kids. I love my children and would lay my life down for them, however, they will grow up and move on soon and who will be left when they are gone? My husband, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Because he comes first now and then the kids, there is no longer room in my life for our mini horse or goats, so they will be moving on. It was totally and completely wrong of me to put animals before my husband. I know that is opening up a can of worms on THIS forum because there are many of you who claim to put your animals before your husbands, however, in my newly refreshed and extremely happy marriage, I can say now that I find it very sad to do that. I'll never do it again, it wasn't worth what I put at risk to do it. If you can find a "balance" between the two, good for you, but I couldn't.

___________________________

I guess I just wanted to take this opportunity to ask you all to take an assessment of your marrige and see if there is room for improvement. If you are in a rut, do something NOW to start trying to get out of it. Don't let it continue on another day without making some effort. Your marriage is worth it.

I feel pretty strongly the divorce rate is very high because of people just like my husband and I. We were fortunate enough to realize that we were on our way to an unhappy future which could have led to divorce. We know how lucky we are to have figured it out before it was too late, before all love was lost. If I can get just one couple to realize they are headed down a path to a possible divorce and rekindle what they once had before it's too late, I will feel I gave something back and the flames I'll most likely get for parts of this thread will be worth it.

So please take some time and think about your life and marriage and make sure you truly ARE going to be married until death do you part

*edited to reduce font!

 

[mininik]

Great post. Very well said.

 

[Sonya]

Because he comes first now and then the kids, there is no longer room in my life for our mini horse or goats, so they will be moving on. It was totally and completely wrong of me to put animals before my husband. I know that is opening up a can of worms on THIS forum because there are many of you who claim to put your animals before your husbands, however, in my newly refreshed and extremely happy marriage, I can say now that I find it very sad to do that. I'll never do it again, it wasn't worth what I put at risk to do it. If you can find a "balance" between the two, good for you, but I couldn't.

This is exactly why I got rid of my mini horses, goats, chickens. We were starting to travel more and because of financial reasons (paying someone to take care of the animals while we were gone) I needed to make a decision, do more and travel more or keep the animals and stay home more. I could see how much happier he was (and me too) traveling more and doing more together. The animals did put a burden on that. The animals were mine, he never took interest. He never asked me to sell them, never complained about the financial cost of paying someone to take care of them, but I knew what he was thinking...and I was thinking the same thing. It was time to move on from them. He would make comments like..."those animals are alot of work, all you do is pick up -hit! You don't have anytime for yourself" I know he also meant I didn't have time for him although he never said it. I miss them alot sometimes, but we now have a new refeshed life that we could not have with them. It is a personal decision and not one for everyone, but was the right one for us.

 

[Denise]

I'll delete what I posted. Thanks dontworrybeappy I'll make sure I watch what I post from now on. Thank God for people like you to set me straight. Sorry I got carried away with "generalities".

 

[A Yankee In NC]

I will have to keep all that you said in mind...

We will be celebrating our 2nd anniv. this March...so the flame still burns brightly for us!

Congrats on your re-energizing of your marriage!

el

 

[Dontworrybeappy]

Good stuff here - but let's not get carried away with generalities - there are ways for both partners in a marriage to have what they want, enjoy life and each other and *not* be on a "path to destruction" or cease to exist without one another.

 

[Laura]

[SIZE=12pt]Wow, I don't even know where to start...[/SIZE]

Do I respect my husband? Yes

Do I treat him with respect? yes, except when he's being a knucklehead and needs to know it.

Do I belittle him or yell at him? No, not ever, I think it's wrong to do that to anyone. especially your spouse or children.

Is he the head of our house and the one to whom the descision swinging vote goes to if we can't agree on something we feel differently about? Usually

Does he makes the major decsions about the house and children? no, he knows that I am the one who puts the most work into our home and who spends the most time with the kids. He trusts me to do what is best for all of us.

Do I enjoy "dressing up" for him and looking nice? Yes, but I also do it because it makes *me* feel good

Do I wait on him hand and foot? Nope, but I try to do things for him that will makes his life easier and he does the same for me.

Do I feel like I should put his needs over the needs of my (admittedly young) children? Absolutely not and he would be shocked and angered that I did AND would rightfully call me out on it. He tells me often what a wonderful Mother I am and that it is one of the many reasons he loves me so much. I wouldn't be that person if I put his needs over the needs of our children.

Has our marriage changed in intimacy, passion and time together since we first married? Of course. I had Mia when we married and immediately Zac was concieved. Of course our marriage has changed, if anything we treasure our intimate time together even more, because we know we have to make time for each other, but that doesn't mean we put our needs over those of the kids.

Do the horses take priority over him? Of course not, if they did, I would start to look closely at WHY I didn't want to be spending most of my time with my family, of course horses are part of our family time. We enjoy working for and with the horses together. When I have discussed downsizing, he is in favor of it to lessen expenses, but he WANTS us to have horses. He knows (and says) that I would not be the woman he fell in love with if I didn't have horses, they are a part of my soul. His saying I should get rid of the horses would be like me saying he should sell all of his motocycles and quit racing (which we enjoy as a family), so he spends that time with us. If I said that, neither of us would be the people that fell in love with each other.

I get up most days, get dressed and put on makeup becauser it makes ME feel better. When I feel better, I'm happier, more self confident, more productive and more passionate, which is after all, what first attracted my husband to me. Does he like it? Of course. Would he want me a size 6 with an immaculate house...probably, but if I wasn't *ME*, where would the woman he loves have gone?

I had a really horribly stressful, PMS'y day yesterday, Zac was grumpy and I was even more so. What I needed was a hug and a husband who didn't ask where his dinner was (which I do make every single night, because I'm home all day and he's not), but who took me in his arms and told me he was sorry I had such a bad day, that he loved me and then made me dinner. That's what Steve did for me and it made me love him even more.

Respect is only real when it is equal and shared.

~stepping off of my soapbox~

edited to add-Steve would not want me a size six after all, certain parts of me that are his favorite of my umm...assets...would not be what he now so loves if i was super skinny. Also, an immacualte house would drive him nuts. Having me follow him around cleaning (more than I already do) would drive him batty.

 

[Charlene]

although the questions no longer apply to me, i can honestly answer yes to all of them. from august 16, 1998, until the day he died, gary and i had the sort of relationship most people only dream of. in 11 years, there was not a cross word between us, we did not argue about a single thing. never. he treated me like a queen and i treated him like the king that he was, right up until the moment he took his last breath.

 

[Reble]

We have been married 30 years now, and been together 32 years.

Does not matter how long you have been married, it does take work everyday.

The best advice I can give is :

We always give a kiss goodnight and tell each other sweet dreams and that I LOVE you.

and when ever one of us leave the house another kiss goodbye, and wish the person a good day.

Never too old to Love or Make Love...

Wilferd Arlan Peterson: wrote this:

The Art Of A Good Marriage

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.

A good marriage must be created.

In marriage the little things are the big things.

It is never being too old to hold hands.

It is remembering to say "I love you" at least once a day.

It is never going to sleep angry.

It is at no time taking the other for granted;

the courtship should not end

with the honeymoon, it should continue through the years.

It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.

It is standing together facing the world.

It is forming a circle of love that gathers the whole family.

It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice,

but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation

and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.

It is not looking for perfection in each other.

It is cultivating flexibility, patience,

understanding and a sense of humour.

It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.

It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow old.

It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.

It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal,

dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.

It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.

 

[capall beag]

Good post!

My Mother always said Your husband is the only one you choose. You don't choose your kids, your parents or your siblings.

My Mother also told me never forget who you were before being a wife or a mother. BEST ADVICE ever.

For me, this is key, for myself not my husband but he benefits

I want to remember who I was and I am happy to say I still am. I never pretended to be anyone but myself and I am happy to say I am the same person.

I like to look good. I don't wear make up or do my nails or even dry my hair but I never did. That said I like to look good, I don't want to 'look' like a worn out mother of 3 kids.

I think it is REALLY important to have passions and not loose them. I love my hubby dearly but he is not my whole life. I am a very independant person and this is what he likes about me. I don't 'need' him I choose to be with him.

I have my own hobbies, my own friends, my own beliefs. I chose to get married to add to me NOT to make me!!

I am SO glad my husband is a free thinker and admires a strong, independant woman.

I think too many people go into marriage looking to complete themselves. You can't do that. You must go into a marriage a complete person.

My husband comes first, after the kids move on I will be with him. They depend on me to nurture and care for them and that is my job but they will 'fly off' when they are grown.

Although my husband encourages me to be happy and do what makes me feel good. If he asks me to cut back on something I always would.

I do think it is an excellent point made by the OP that you should never take the person you love for granted. No matter how busy you are to make time for them.

Now if only I can remember all this.........better get off the computer and go call hubby

 

[Shari]

Hubby gets treated the same... I am as I was then...as I am now.. not much has changed other than a lot more grey hairs.

Still wear the same type clothes..no make up and so on.

Also warned him.. marry me... marry my horses & animals...was very up front with him.

We are both happy with each other.. and when we do get into tiffs.... is a weird thing.. we may bellow..but we are not really mad, if that makes sense.

Are there for each other no matter the need... niether one of us is big on going out, don't feel the need to be with other people that much. Happy just staying home.

Have been married 21 years....seems like we have been married 200 years! We are no were near perfect but things keep getting better.

 

[Reble]

I just wanted to add, that maybe we do not think we change, but circumstances in our lives do, death, jobs, children, and aging, with out realizing, we too do some changing, change is going to happen even with us.

Change can be a good thing. We just never like change.

Change helps us to grow.

 

[SunQuest]

Rebel,

You know where I stand with this. I posted my thoughts on LVponie's post and let me say that I was very afraid that I would be flamed. I am glad I did though as I NEVER want to see anyone walk in my shoes for the past year.

And I agree with others here. We can't put everything into generalities, and most definately we need to remember to take care of ourselves first because if we are not happy with ourselves, then how can the person we love be happy to be with us?

But, I only wish someone would have told me exactly how easy it is to get complacent in my marriage and to become so selfish. I knew I had to work hard at it, but somewhere I lost track of what it was that got me married to him in the first place.

Now I am working on uraveling the terrible mess that I contributed to. Am I totally at fault? Nope. But at the same time my husband is not totally at fault either. When I quit looking at my marriage as a 50/50 thing, and realized that it is a 100/100 percent thing, well, that makes it different. I am changing the way I think about my marriage because I want to. Not because I have to. I want more happiness. Just asking for it from my husband will not give it to me. But giving my husband a reason to be happy helps me to get what I ultimately want.... Love.

Again, I can not change my husband. But I can fully control how I act and react to things. I can choose to be kind an loving at all times or I can choose to blow a fuse. It is truely up to me to decide how I want to be.

And knowing I want to experience love and lots of it, I have to ask myself, Am I a person that I would love to hug, hold, kiss, talk to, be with, ect.? And sometimes when I am being a really stubborn mule which is probably more often then not, that is when the hardest thing for me to answer this question tuthfully.

So it is my choice to give and change. It is my choice to decide what will make me happy. My husband has never asked me to give up my animals. He knows and was told before we ever dated that any man that loves me will never ask me to do that as that man would loose on the deal. He was also told that I would know when to give them up and I would do so for my family. Still, I have to keep it in mind that my animals are not as important as my husband. Not easy on some days more than others, but it is something I work on.

I am glad that lvponies posted about her issues. I also thought I would get flamed by my response, but honestly, that would not hurt anything like the pain that has been the past year or two of my life. And part of what makes me truely happy is helping others avoid the same dumb mistakes I made.

Again, you don't have to loose your sense of self, give up everything, cater to another for the rest of your life. This won't work as happiness has to come from within to give it. But you have to make sure that the things that are important to you do not interfere with your marriage and yet at the same time make sure that you are happy.

Definately lots to think about. Remember the definition of insanity? It is doing something over and over again and expecting a different result. Well, I decided to stop that. Change my ways of doing things and my hubby has no choice but to react to it be it good or bad. So yes, I can have my cake and eat it too. Just have to make sure that I don't go throwing it at my hubby.

 

[Jill]

Harvey and I are married and we started dating exclusively when I was 16!!! I'm 39 now. I look different, he looks different but that's part of what 23 years does to a person, not to mention that in the space of that time we've gone from being kids to being adults. He is truly the most important person in my life, and vice versa.

Reading before the Holidays about some of our members in tragic situations with husbands so sick, and the member who lost her husband suddenly just before Christmas, and now reading about Kim... It does really get to my heart. I can't even begin to express how deeply I feel for all their situations.

PS Every night before we fall asleep, Harvey covers me up with extra blankets. It's a small thing but it just really sums up who he is and how he treats me. The biggest blessing in my life.

 

[KanoasDestiny]

"Recipe for Love"

2 cups of friendship

2 cups of joy

2 heaping cups of kindness

2 minds full of tenderness

2 hearts full of love

2 big hearts of forgiveness

4 armfulls of gentleness

1 lifetime of togetherness

Stir daily with happiness, humor and patience. Serve with warmth, compassion, respect and loyalty.

 

[Bonny]

My Hubby and I have been married 18 years, together 20. It is true you can get complacent.

But more so than complacent you need mostly and I think this is what many have hit on is you need to stay respectful of the other.

My Hubby and I went through a real bad time about 11 years ago. We both were working very hard at our jobs. We both felt unappreciated and worn out. We forgot to put each other first. So 9 months of counseling later.....

Now many of you women may disagree with this statement and thats OK. But I have found that when I got MY priorities in order and put my husband back in his God given place as head of our home and made our home a safe haven for him everything changed. The biggest thing we forget as women is how much our husbands wish that we knew was how much they love us. Most women will find if they make an effort to appreciate there husbands they will receive a multitude back.

To this day I love my Hubby. He is my soul mate. I am so glad we went through all we have. It brought us closer than before.

We have survived many hardships together.

 

[Shari]

Long and most likely more personal that most want to know but....

I know we all change....part of my problem.. not good at writting and explaining things.

We have hit rough patches with our marriage like anyone else...first was is job in the Navy as recuiter(spell?)...something he was not good at because he refused to lie. He turned Nasty but I knew it was his work. I stood by him even though most people would of walked off and never looked back.

He finally got over it..opened his eyes to the good things he had right in front of him. And he finally said he was sorry.. he should of never put my DS and I though that.

Second major patch is when his father died a very slow..very painful death...took 3 weeks for his father to die. He and his middle brother took turns caring for him and watching him die. Hubby did not handle it well... then his mother went off the deep end...was too much. I was always there for him..even when he railed at me...another possible turning point. Most would of walked way from the Marriage. I let him have his say for a couple of weeks... and after I got a call from him.. him being in Jail for opening his big mouth but to the wrong person.. Mr Police officer. I managed to get him out earlier than was planned. After that things changed... I was understanding..stood by him but I had a long talk with him after that, being a verbal punching bag through that whole thing..his treatment of me...and I very much understand he could not handle what was going on but at the same time.. I was no longer going to allow him to keep treating me like he was. We helped each other through it.

He did much better when his mother passed away a few months ago. He remembers and told me he would not act like he did when his father passed away.

Few of you have met him...he really is a kind Man.

I do not drink, smoke, take drugs, go out..party... am always here when he gets home...well unless I have hurt myself again.

Have had jobs in the past.. training horses, or teaching riders,, working at greenhouses but nothing that would interfear with my family life. I stayed home or worked around Homeschooling our son but it was my choice.

He puts up with my animals, horses, our not so clean house.

Last 8 years I have not had the best luck.. for the car accident,, when that blond 20 year old speeding ...rearended me. Then the fall out from that ...took me 5 years to get back to being able to do all I used to. Then Dec 06 coming off my young horse...now I have to start all over again and this time it is worse the damage and a neglicful Doc did not help. But he was and is here for me. In the Hospital he made them take good care of me..same with the Nursing home. He has taken on all the Household jobs I could not longer do.. along with his job once I was home.

HE was there like I was for him... and he let me cry.. or would sit in the chair near the bed and read me a book. Do little things for me.. like flowers and so on...anything to make me smile.

I can now do a little more and he is very happy to let me do those things again but we are here for each other.

He even puts up with horse tack and Art all over the house.....and I put up with him riding the motorcycle to work in good weather. Most of you know what happen with that a couple of years ago so I will not bore you with it.

Yes, we change but both partners have to be willing to give 100% to not just ourselves but our other half. Both have to be willing to work through things no matter how hard, scary, annoying or what ever. If one or the other is not willing to do that.. the marriage will not work.

 

[Sonya]

Just to clarify...I would of never given up my animals just for my husband, it was a choice because I wanted to go away every weekend...he would never ask me to give up something I love...that would be like me saying to him...you are never going fishing/hunting again.

I agree that everyone needs their own identity, but I would also never do anything to jeopardize my marriage. If there was something he was not comfortable with (whatever that may be) that I do and I knew it made him uncomfortable, I would stop doing it...plain and simple. He would never ask me to give up something, he wouldn't have to, I'd just do it...as I expect he would too. And if he didn't...I'd divorce him...lol..just kiddn'

 

[joylee123]

[SIZE=12pt]I've always tried to look at our relationship with the belief that if I take care of Bill, he will take care of me. We take care of each other. We don't have to be selfish because we are always putting the other first and we don't take advantage of that trust. It is definetly 100-100% not 50-50[/SIZE]

Not only do I love and respect him with all my heart but I have discovered he, of all the relationships I've ever been in, can be trusted with my love and respect. He holds it dear to him as I hold his love and respect dear to me. There is nothing in the world worth jeopardizing that special bond. I can honestly say in my heart of hearts there is not a single day that goes by that I don't thank God for the wonderful partner He has given me

Bill is gentle and kind and he's playful and silly,thoughtful and considerate and I KNOW he has nothing but my best interest at heart and I feel and act the same. It's been easy for me to take direction from him in some of our decision making because his decisions have never been made with selfish intent, only with concern and honest consideration for what is really best for each other. We may not always agree on something but when you know the persons concern is logically based and not determined due to selfishness, it is easier to make the right decision.

I have truely been blessed with this man in my life and I will try to never forget it

Joy