Thanks all. After my meltdown yesterday I'm doing much better today. I went to see my Dr and she said this is normal and it will probably get worse before it gets better but this is part of the grieving process. I told her I "KNEW" that but I KNOW the outcome cause of my sons death and that's what I so fight against about maybe loosing my husband.
She told me NOT to focus on the loosing part so much but think of the now part otherwise I'm going to miss out on the present with him. SO I will take that advice. Also I think part of the problem is I've had soooo much time alone w/o him and no one to talk to, ya know a live person in the other room, just the phone and computer. B
One of his daughters out in Ca asked if I wanted her to come and stay and help. I wholeheartedly accepted. She's a great cook, LOVES to work and will help me a lot. I told her between the two of us we can cook him some good meals now that his taste buds are coming back.
The Dr is going to do another chemo tomorrow he thinks and then MAYBE go home Wed or Thurs. they are taking away the feeding IV, TPN cause he's eating and we may have to do breathing treatments every 4 hours at home. That's ok, I'm up taking Gunther and Maddy potty at 2 or 4 anyway. I've had them sleeping with me and he was NOT happy about that at ALL. He's like; "well when I get home that's going to change." What he doesn't understand is I'm not putting a 5 lb dog down with a 100 lb dog, she's my baby, Gunny's 17 lbs. It's funny, they FIGHT for who's going to lay the closest to mom. I climb in the bed and you should see the scrabble to see who's going to get the closest. She growls and snarls and Gunny's SHOVES. I just laugh, it's quite comical. I haven't had a dog in bed with me since my tea cup poodle and that was 30 years ago. I'm having a ball with her and Gunther.
I went to the Dr an hour away today and took them with me and I had their beds with me and they slept in them which was good and then we went over to Pet Co so we could look around. I wanted a pink rain coat for Maddy and a blue one for Gunther but they didn't have their sizes. I'm not to much into the clothes thing but I do like winter sweaters when it's COLD out side or our house is cold especially in our basement in the winter, we watch TV down there sometimes and it gets quite brisk Gunther likes his sweater on and so does Winky being a Shar Pei she doesn't have much hair. I know some people dress them up a lot but one I can't afford it and two, dogs like to be dogs I think. It's whatever floats your boat as they always say.
Thanks for caring so much. I'll share something with you 3 years ago I was VERY ill. I've shared on this before, as I had a eating disorder. My husband stayed home and took care of our animals all by himself for 6 months. I also had a personality disorder. I had mulitple personalitys. Believe it or not I don't care that's not the issue, but all my life I've been very ill, I've had several suicide attempts, massive depression, and on top of that I'm Bi Polar. My husband LOVED ME. I had 3 bad marriages NO ONE LOVED ME, for me, they loved who ever that person could perform and be. I was who ever I could be. Half the time I didn't even know who I was. I raised 2 children like that. My son who died never got to know the real me.
I am a new person now. When my son died I felt no pain, the personalitys took all the pain, I didn't. NOW I feel that pain and I feel the pain of what's going on with my husband. I'm terrified. He, beside my son and somewhat selfishly my dad in some small way have been the only men to ever truly love me, me for me. My husband loves me unconditonally, I love him more because of it. I couldn't be sitting here whole and writing this if it wasn't for his wonderful love. Sure he has his faults just like everyone else, but I am blessed and to let go of that is such a tragedy for me. I don't want to let go of a man who has nurtured and loved me and kept me safe and walked me through heck. He met my personalitys one by one he met them, he saw the raw old me, then he saw the new butterfly me come and emerge into a stronger better me into one person.
If I can walk through that firey heck and live through it for 55 years anyone can make it. I'm afraid to walk alone, I've had him hold my hand for 10 years, he's lifted me up when I've been down, I've cried, begged, pleaded, screamed, yelled, wailed and moaned, and done everything in between with this man, he has kept me by showing his love, he has NEVER Once faultered. He has given me EVERYTHING I EVER ASKED FOR AND THEN SOME.
I have made him angry, I have made him sad, but most of all I think I've made him happy. I'm also the love of his life. He's my BFF, how can you let go of that my friend? How can you let go of that?
Thanks for listening, I love you all, TJ
