Disappointed

[Annetta]

I have....had.....maybe have? this friend, have known her for years. She's nice enough, but kind of neurotic--never seems to keep her friends for very long, doesn't seem to be happy unless she is upset about something. She is married now, but still isn't happy. She doesn't get along with her family, she doesn't get along with her in-laws, doesn't like her neighbors, doesn't have many friends & seems always annoyed with the ones she does have. Complains about her husband a lot, yet he gives her everything she wants & is very good to her--he tries very hard. She still has anxieties over his first wife, who was killed in an accident more than 10 years ago. She's always bragging about what they've got/are buying/going to buy soon, complains about what she doesn't have & some things she does have. She hasn't worked since her marriage--she is a stay at home mom with a child just starting into school. She doesn't like the other moms at the school. When she did work....she didn't get along with her co-workers. She does like her child--she will do anything for that child, which isn't such a bad thing, except that the kid is....objectionable. She always wants me to visit, to go places with them. I will avoid that at any cost. I have nothing against small children, but I like them to have a few manners. I don't want to be associated with that child.

I'm a quiet person, I get along well with most people, & generally people seem to like me. Sure, I speak my mind sometimes, but I try to be thoughtful & polite, & I know when to bite my tongue. It's not that I don't like this friend, but she can be very wearing. I like to listen more than talk, but sometimes it gets tiresome to listen to all the bragging & complaining. Day before yesterday I e-mailed a message, with a brief response to her latest crisis. It was a bland message, I meant no criticism and offered no opinion--and truly didn't think I had implied either. But, that evening she wrote back saying she was really annoyed, & tired of people saying things about situations that they knew nothing about, & it was easy for me to say such things when it didn't affect me, & anyway, I wasn't to contact her again.

Now, I did realize that she wasn't really angry at what I'd said; obviously someone else (family, in-laws, maybe a couple other friends) had been saying too much to her in person, & she just decided that it was easy to blast me by e-mail. I knew that....because I truly hadn't said anything to deserve her wrath. But you know what, I was pleased to be given an out. I sent back a message telling her that was perfectly fine, no hardship to be out of contact with her, good riddance, goodbye, toodle-ooo. I wanted to say more, a lot more, but I refrained. After all, it no longer mattered. She did write back but I deleted it without reading it, & sent off a supposed auto-reply that informed her that her message was undeliverable as she had been placed on my spam list & was blocked. Done deal, life goes on.

I have horses, family, a job, friends, co-workers that I socialize with some. No exciting life, but it's my life & I'm happy with it. Yesterday was nice--I did not miss hearing from my former friend. Truthfully, I did not even think about her. Today at work....I got an e-mail from her. A blank one. I was trying to figure that one out when she wrote again, asking if I were there, & would I talk. I finally replied saying yes, I was there, & since I hadn't figured out how to add her to my spam list there, her message had got through. If she could have heard the sigh with which I sent it, she'd have been mad all over again! She wrote back asking if I really wanted to block her; she hadn't done that, though she had deleted my addresses from her computer. She didn't think I was evil, she had just had too many people telling her too many things, & she wanted to lash out at someone, & I was convenient. Pretty much what I had figured. I'd also figured she would miss me more than I would miss her, but I did think it would be longer than 36 hours before she tried to contact me again. She said that if I didn't want to talk to her, well, if she didn't get a reply to her e-mail she would get the message & never contact me again.

SIGH. I wrote back--nothing much, but I did reply. If I had just deleted the message without replying I would have felt mean. But I didn't want to reply--just for me, I wanted to delete it. I was happier yesterday when all was quiet--no crisis, no complaints, no bragging-- than I am today since I replied to that message. If I had deleted it....would you have said I was an awful person? I didn't want to send my reply, but I did.

: I said I had company here this weekend & wouldn't be on the computer, so that buys me a quiet weekend. Yes, I lied that time, but it was just something I had to do. For me.

 

[mountain_waif]

Some people make conflicts continually.....I think you did the right thing. But I would spend less time around her...not really avoiding her, but busy with other things that make you feel good.

 

[Triggy&Blue&Daisy Too]

No I don't think you would have been mean to delete it. She's obviously a toxic relationship to you and you've just had a brief glimpse of how nice it would be if she weren't there to keep sucking the life out of you.

I've had a few high maintence relationships in my life and I was always much happier to be rid of them. One very weird coworker (female) many years ago when I was in trucking stalked and harrassed me for a long time until I told her I was going to do some real physical damage to her if she didn't stop it and leave me alone. She did finally cease and desist but I had to get really angry at her to get her to quit. I'm pretty easy going and accumulate a lot of good relationships and certainly don't need or want someone around who constantly brings me down. All friends need a shoulder to cry on sometimes but when it's a constant part of the relationship no good can come from it and it's time to move on.

No one should have to be another's emotional punching bag just because they are kind-hearted so I hope you can soon find a way to be rid of this person for good.

 

[EAD Minis]

I advise maybe talking to her.I was like this and I was kinda suicidal..Im not saying much but try talking to her.Mite make her feel better.

 

[Marty]

Doesnt' sound like you guys had much of a friendship or relationship of any kind in the first place.

I wouldn't need anyone like that in my life bringing me down, unless I had a way to cheer them up and make them feel better about things.

I do have some big shoulders and people seem to talk to me about their troubles which I don't mind. Especially all the teens that run through here. I just don't ever have any good advise to offer so leaves me in a bit of a pickle not being able to help.

I think this person of yours is really very lost. Lost and confused. It happens.

 

[rabbitsfizz]

Sweetheart, there are "givers" and there are "takers".

Your "Friend" is a taker, and you, kind soul that yo are, are a Giver.

Be proud of that, but do not allow her to drain you.

Start this relationship fresh, and make sure you write the rules.

Do NOT feel you are "lying" to her , yo may be making an excuse, but you are not lying.

I have a"friend" like this, I ma absolutely sure everyone has had at least one, during their lifetimes.

If I don't want to do something, I just say, no, I am not free.

Do not make up an excuse, or embellish, just say "I would have loved to, but I am not free"

And do that whenever yo wish too, and feel no guilt.

As you said, she does not keep her friends long, but she has come back to you, and you were kind enough to respond to that.

Listening, when you are able to do it, costs nothing.

I often sit and watch TV whilst listening to my "Friend" rattling on about how unkind life is to her (Lovely house, lovely husband, lovely family etc, everything that I do not have!!)

I just say "Aha, Yep, Oh No," at regular intervals and she is as happy as Larry!!

De-stress the situation, give, by all means, but give only what you have spare at the time

 

[Jill]

I just made a long post but deleted the text because I'm scared it could hurt someone's feelings.

I have a similar situation. My friend doesn't do the things yours does, but she puts me on an emotional roller coaster. It is like if you took 10 conversations, 8 of those would leave me upset and thinking about it later (reflecting / obsessing). Telling me things that are upsettng and things other people have said or supposedly said about me. She is also one who will not take "no, thanks, but I don't want to" for an answer. It took forever to get to the point to say "no, thanks" yet she still will try to talk me into doing the thing or make me feel guilty if I don't.

What I've done over the past year maybe and has made me a happier and CALMER person is just avoid her calls. I don't call her right back like I used to and sometimes don't call her back at all. I just don't need to be caught up in all the gossip and all the drama anymore. I tell her that I've been so busy when we do talk.

Maybe you could do something similar to kind of wean this person from you by being less available and not letting her have that instant gratification she's getting by venting to you?

I've just gotten to the point in my life where I've decided not to keep putting myself into the position of being upset when I can avoid it. I know the pattern with my friend and I know how draining it has been to me. I just am happier the way things are now.

 

[Robin1]

Some people just aren't happy unless they are miserable.

Robin

 

[jdomep]

Wow! I had the same thing happen a few months ago. My (ex) high maintenance friend who like yours thrives on crisis - sent me an email for which I responded (not mean or anything I just asked a question) and was attacked and told that "I need to take my marbles and go home!...sorry she interupted my perfect little world" SHe really attacked me in this email - I was so shaken wanting to call and apologize - but I know I didn't do anything wrong so I didn't. I have 4 boys under 10, a husband who loves me dearly, my farm and my critters and really don't need to waist energy on someone who just drains me. I just decided some people will never be happy and happy people make them miserable.

 

[keeperofthehorses]

Here's some food for thought, although you can't do a durned thing about it.

I have a relative down in California who's just like this. Or should I say, she WAS just like this. She's in her early 20's now, but this started in her teens. She was just miserable to be around; brought chaos with her wherever she went. She ended up alientating nearly all of her family (myself included, and we were quite close at one time) and most of her friends.

She finally went to a counselor, I'm guessing to whine and moan about how terrible her life was (it wasn't terrible by any stretch of the imagination), and ended up being put on an anti-psychotic drug. She's bi-polar, and something else, I can't remember. Turns out that, on meds, she's a pretty decent person. I still don't trust her entirely, but we do talk every so often now. My folks went down and visited her last month and came back talking about how surprised they were. She's a different person now, and a pleasure to be around.

I agree that nobody needs a toxic relationship in their lives. I would be honest with her, you may be the only person that is, and tell her why you are doing what you are doing. If she ever turns her attitude around, she may one day come back and thank you for telling her the truth.

 

[Magic]

I've just gotten to the point in my life where I've decided not to keep putting myself into the position of being upset when I can avoid it. I know the pattern with my friend and I know how draining it has been to me. I just am happier the way things are now.

Well said. :aktion033:

I've had to drop a couple of "friends" in the last year, when I realized just how miserable they actually make me. All that gossip and talking bad about other people-- and you are right, those people don't tend to keep friends very long. Seems they dislike just about everybody, though they can hide it very well and kiss up (mainly just to get info for more gossiping I'm thinking, along with benefits that those people can give them).

I have plenty of other REAL friends. long term friends that don't envy me and my life, because they have similar lives and are content with what they have.

I've been more appreciative of my long time friends, and even though most of them live far away now, we've been in contact and it's like no time has passed.

Remember, REAL friends don't purposely try to hurt you....

 

[Ashley]

Ok, im gonna be a bit different. This is speaking from experiance with myself and haveing done much of them things.

I dont know her, but from what you wrote I would venture to guess shes got some kind of depression going on. Either she dont know it(which alot dont). Or she does know it, but is scare for what ever reason to get help.

THat said, point blank tell her that she needs some kind of help. Tell her what this relationship has done to you, and if she gets help and proves to you that she is trying then you will be there for her.

Thats pretty much what it took for me, only after I lost several friends first.

 

[Annetta]

I've been thinking off & on today--just off & on, I refuse to let this be an obsession that ruins my weekend!--of what I am going to say next time I talk to her. I'm not expecting her to call, at least not for awhile, & I'm certainly not going to call her. She still thinks I have her on my block list for e-mails here at home & I'm not planning to e-mail her tonight or even tomorrow. There's no doubt already an e-mail waiting for me at work. I suppose I will reply eventually (going to be awfully busy at work next week :bgrin For real, that's not just an excuse! so, it might take awhile for me to write anything much to her.

I suppose I will keep in touch with her, but I've commented to my family today that it sure is nice not hearing anything from her this weekend! I've actually been thinking that for awhile I am going to be awfully busy whenever she wants to talk; any contact is going to be brief.

Ashley, you're right, she is depressed. She has actually often started our conversations with "I am so depressed" But, I don't think she believes that it is the sort of depression that she needs any 'help' with. It's everyone else's fault that she is depressed, because they're mean & rude to her--why should she get help for everyone else's problems? I know how she would react if I were to suggest she go & get herself some counselling. Wooheeee.

Jill, I know about the type of friend you mention too, that's always being helpful & telling you the rude things someone else has supposedly said about you. I work with someone like that; I sort of tune her out, but she can sure get one of the other girls going at times.In her case I'm never sure if she does it vindictively, or if it's just that she blurts out anything & everything to anyone & everyone, & she doesn't even realize just what she's doing. I try & consider the source & brush it off, but that can sometimes get tiresome too!

Still, enjoying my "quiet" weekend, & I don't feel a bit guilty about it! Thanks all, I enjoy talking to you !!

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

I've been thinking off & on today--just off & on, I refuse to let this be an obsession that ruins my weekend!--of what I am going to say next time I talk to her.

Still, enjoying my "quiet" weekend, & I don't feel a bit guilty about it! Thanks all, I enjoy talking to you !!

That is the best thing you can do , I find that usually people like this do there best to sort of isolate you from everyone else to keep you for lack of a better term in there "game" to enable them to have you see the world the way they do (which sometimes is so far based out of reality it can be disturbing)

The best thing you can do is refuse to let it be an obsession, realize it is time to move on and surely dont feel guilty cause odds are there is no guilt nor obsession(just more game playing and of course blaming ) on the other side as being that kind of person it will all be your fault -in there world anyway

: Save your energy for those that are fun to be around, and not just emotionally draining - You will be amazed at how clear things become after a couple of weeks of peace

:

 

[runamuk]

Or you could be like me DENSE as a post and just not realize people are talking about you etc :bgrin

I have a "friend" who is always in crisis ..don't get me wrong she is actually a pretty nice fun gal but woowee she makes soap operas seem dull.............I don't hear from her often anymore as we moved several states away from each other.....but every phone conversation with her is exhausting.......drama drama drama.........there are people who cannot seem to survive unless they are in the midst of crisis........

Just take some time off and if it feels right or something really changes you can pick back up where you left off but maybe with less drama

:

 

[Marion]

I have a family member that is just like that. Talking to her is just so tiring. I never know what she is going to say or rant about everytime we talk. I just don't talk to her that long when she is in one of those moods. I get so upset my husband has told me to quit talking to her, but she is family and I do love her. But sometimes I just don't want to talk to her about her lastest crisis or what happened when we were kids.