At what point do you intervene and reach out to parents?

[Carolyn R]

I guess I am feeling a little guilty knowing my daughter will get heck at school tomorrow. A girl she has been friends with and known since kindergarten has been making some poor choices lately. They are sophomores (oops, originally wrote freshmen, dah, I knew better), the other girl has been on an on again off again starvation diet, had gone as far as taking her mother's homeopathic diet pills last year, then, insisted they worked so well, she felt the need to bring them to school and give a handful to my daughter and another friend. They were petrified, being caught with any pills is grounds for expulsion. It does not matter what they are. I shared this with her mother. This year she has continued with the dieting, has discovered boys and ALL their wonders, and tonight sent my daughter a text that she has been contemplating suicide.

Naturally, I am proud of my daughter for sharing, upon her request and my better judgement reached out to her parents. I got in touch with her dad. I apologized for feeling the need to share, but felt it was important. I offered to forward the text, but he was satisfied with me just telling him what it said.

I am very close with my daughter, still a parent, but very involved with her life. I try to stay in touch with her life and who her friends are, what is going on with her. Yes, I have felt the need to put the fear of God into her once in awhile, but she typically knows when she has pushed it too far. I trust her, to a point, knowing that kids will take advantage of a parents stupidly at times. If she says she is somewhere, I do on occasion check in to make sure, I think any parent should.

I feel awful knowing she will most likely have her friend and the girls boyfriend hassle her tomorrow, but feel this was one of those important times that she needed to reach out. At what point or on what issues do you feel one parent needs to reach out to another parent?

My daughter has other friends, it is not an envy " she has a boyfriend and I don't" scenario, but rather a wow, she is skipping swim lessons,starving herself, making herself vomit at times, lying about where she is and she's having sex and has only dated him two months scenario.

I told her not to discuss this with other classmates, if she is delt a bunch of crap tomorrow while at school, go to the guidance counselor, but don't discuss it with anyone else. Life is hard enough without having all of their peers knowing every detail.

 

[Riverrose28]

I think that you did the right thing. If you had of kept this info to yourslef and that girl acted on her threat you would fell so much guilt. It's wonderful that your daughter trusts you so much to tell you these things, you two may have saved this girls life. As for the other things I don't think there is much you can do, sounds like this girl is making so bad choices, and you can only hope that she doesn't suffer to many consequences.

 

[Carolyn R]

Thanks, I guess i am just needing other parents support on the matter. I know kids will make mistakes, that's how they learn, sometimes they need to fallon their can a few times. I just feel there are certain topics that require intervention......eating disorders, drugs, and suicide are at the top of the list.

 

[Riverrose28]

I can so sympathize with your situation as I've raised five children, the first born in 1966 and the last born in 1980. The teen years can be very trying for any parent, and it seems no matter how hard you try you can still be blind to some things that are going on. My daughter that I just buried at age 42 was a horrable teen. I still loved her, but thought she would put me in the nut house before she was grown. Skipped school, hung out with the wrong crowd, would sneak out in the night, she drove me crazy. Funny as all this sounds she grew up just fine, got an education, and worked at agreat job, and was loved by her employees. Got married, had children and turned out just great! I'd like to take some of the credit, but I do feel she did her own straightening out and finally matured. I know you are in a bad spot, and yes your own daughter could feel some of the reprocussions because you spoke up. Better safe then sorry, this girl is not your responsibility, but at the same time I feel for you as you can not sit on the sidelines and watch her destroy herself. Shame is, you can only do so much. If she were my daughter I would so appreciate the fact that you cared enough to let me know what is going on, but, I also realize not all parents feel that way, and may even feel you are intruding. The best thing for you, I think is to follow your gut, your heart, and your intuiation.

 

[tagalong]

I'm not a parent - but you did do the right thing and thank you for looking out for that troubled girl...

 

[Miniv]

I've been a foster mom to a number of teenagers and am now a MOM to a 15 year old........ At this point all I'm going to say is - you did the right thing and sounds like you've got a good kid.

 

[Ashley]

Personally, I wouldnt have gone to the parent. I would have taken it to the police and let them do a well child check. That way there is no potential cruelty for you daughter to face.

 

[shalakominiatureshowhorses]

As a freshman myself, I think you did the right thing as a parent. I would have told my mom too if my friend sent me a text like that, and I would have wanted her to tell her parents. Its also against school rules to carry pills around at my school too, I would have told a counseler about that, just to tell someone who wouldnt blab it all around campus. Girls, my friends even, were talking about diets. They are the healthiest people there! I ate a foot-long chili-cheese dog from Sonic at lunch the other day, and my friends said I was going to get fat! I run a mile everyday, a hotdog is not going to affect me at all. I just said "if i get fat, i get fat, not really concerned about it". They just stared at me like im stupid. Oh well. Im happy to be comfortable in my own skin, no matter what size i am, im 115 pounds. I have been since 6th grade LOL. And i also strongly believe in "No Sex Before Marriage". I feel sorry for the girls who are pregnant at my school because bad things had happened to them to get them pregnant, but if you just did it willy-nilly and got pregnant, well they had it coming, sorry its just my opinion!

WAY OFF TOPIC...i think you did the right thing, hope your daughter was okay today at school

 

[Carolyn R]

Thanks guys. School wasn't too bad for her today. It helped that she happened to have a scheduled visit with guidance to discuss grades and future plans. She was happy to learn her class rank and just be able to have the guidance counselor tell her he was thrilled to hear she had some objectives for herself (and reassure her his door was always open).My daughter has a healthy respect for her teachers and authority figures,but knows they are there to do a job, not make her life heck. So many kids her age need to get over the " us against them" mentality. I see so many kids whose only concern is to hide their every action from adults. I guess it helps that we have teachers and law enforcement in the family and as friends. She gets to see that they are real people outside of their workplace.

Thanks again guys. I love this forum and am greatful it is still a tight knit place. Many forums have lost that closeness because of FB.