I really messed up this time...

[Feather1414]

Ok, I don't know if any of you have ever heard of the popular website, Xanga, but its basically like an online diary. When I get upset about something, I write. I would write it down in my xanga because it is private and because if I didn't write it out, I would explode! Unfortunatly, a lot of what I wrote wa about my mom. She isn't always 100 percent supportive of my life ((what parent truly is)) and when I needed to vent, I would write it down in there...

In case you were guessing, yes, my mom found it and read it. It really hurt her. I am extrememly sorry for hurting her, but not sorry for what I wrote. You would have to know the whole story behind my mom, but she doesn't trust me for reasons unknown. I am a GOOD kid, I am just not the "kind of person" she wants me to be, and it can be stressful, so I would write it all out. All I was feeling, thinking, stuff like that. She was NEVER suppoed to read it.

Anyways, what should I do? I don't think she really wants to listen to me at this point. I am currently at school, and I don't want to go home. She told me that I wasn't allowed to ask her for anything for quite a while. I had already planned to go to my friends birthday party. I think I am going to call her, tell her where I am going and when I will be home, and then get rides with my friends? It is a sleepover party, but should I sleep over? Yes, she does, and has known about this party.

Also what should I do in general. You as parents: I am sure you know that your kids arent going to get along with you 100 percent. I am the kind of person that doens't like to talk about feelings, so I write them down. My Xanga was my diary. I made sure to make it so that it would be pretty much secret, and she must have done some SERIOUS searching to find it. Yes, perhaps I shouldnt have written what I did, but I did write it, and she did read it, and now I don't know what to do.

Please write whatever you need. I probbly do need a good flaming, but in my defense, I was just writing my feelings, and it was in secret. She read my dairy, and is mad/upset for what I was feeling.

Did any of this make sense?

 

[Magic]

yes, what you are writing makes sense. As a mother, I can understand how your mom is upset by what she read about your feelings, but--- it was a serious breach, IMO, for her to read your diary. I've never done that to my children, even if their diary was out in plain sight, as I feel that they have a right to privacy.

Only if I felt their lives were in danger would I do such a thing.

I don't know what to tell you, except that perhaps you and your mother could benefit from some counseling; a third party, trained in dealing with this sort of thing, could very well help the two of you communicate and work this out.

I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you right now.

 

[Buckskin gal]

I hope you are able to talk with your mom and have her realize that what you wrote was mostly to vent. Writing stuff out is a great release at your age and far better to do that then to hold it in and just be angry. I know from experience what that can do. I am now a grandmother but I do see that kids have a tremendous amount of pressure on them in this crazy world. I do think it was an invasion of privacy for your mom to read what was your own private thoughts and hope she will apologize and not hold it against you. Ask her what she done as a teenager to realease or deal with her frustrations so she can think back and see that there are times a teen will have a need to vent in a good way....which I think writing is. Hugs, Mary

Ok, I don't know if any of you have ever heard of the popular website, Xanga, but its basically like an online diary. When I get upset about something, I write. I would write it down in my xanga because it is private and because if I didn't write it out, I would explode! Unfortunatly, a lot of what I wrote wa about my mom. She isn't always 100 percent supportive of my life ((what parent truly is)) and when I needed to vent, I would write it down in there...
In case you were guessing, yes, my mom found it and read it. It really hurt her. I am extrememly sorry for hurting her, but not sorry for what I wrote. You would have to know the whole story behind my mom, but she doesn't trust me for reasons unknown. I am a GOOD kid, I am just not the "kind of person" she wants me to be, and it can be stressful, so I would write it all out. All I was feeling, thinking, stuff like that. She was NEVER suppoed to read it.

Anyways, what should I do? I don't think she really wants to listen to me at this point. I am currently at school, and I don't want to go home. She told me that I wasn't allowed to ask her for anything for quite a while. I had already planned to go to my friends birthday party. I think I am going to call her, tell her where I am going and when I will be home, and then get rides with my friends? It is a sleepover party, but should I sleep over? Yes, she does, and has known about this party.

Also what should I do in general. You as parents: I am sure you know that your kids arent going to get along with you 100 percent. I am the kind of person that doens't like to talk about feelings, so I write them down. My Xanga was my diary. I made sure to make it so that it would be pretty much secret, and she must have done some SERIOUS searching to find it. Yes, perhaps I shouldnt have written what I did, but I did write it, and she did read it, and now I don't know what to do.

Please write whatever you need. I probbly do need a good flaming, but in my defense, I was just writing my feelings, and it was in secret. She read my dairy, and is mad/upset for what I was feeling.

Did any of this make sense?

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[Triggy&Blue&Daisy Too]

Frankly this infuriates me and I think your mom got what she deserved by reading it. Diaries are none of anyone's business except the owner. All people, teens included, need to have a safe and private place to vent.

Can you tell this happened to me as a teen?

My mother broke the lock on my diary, a diary SHE bought me by the way, so I guess she thought she was entitled to read it. From then on the battle was on, a very stupid thing for any mother to do.

 

[Miniv]

I totally agree with Magic.

Your mom did a major no-no to read your private writings (journal). And as Magic stated, only if there was a concern for your welfare, should your mom snoop into your personal things.

I also agree that it sounds like you and your mom have a major breakdown in communication. She obviously feels it or she wouldn't have "snooped"..... I suspect she feels like she doesn't really know you. And for that matter, do YOU really know what is in HER heart???

Going to that birthday party is another matter. I do not feel you should just go without talking to your mom about it first. Again it raises the subject of communication AND trust between the two of you.

Whatever you do, I hope you can show her that you are a mature young woman and she can trust you to make wise decisions.

Blessings,

Maryann

 

[rabbitsfizz]

Sweetheart, your Mom should NOT have read your "diary" NO, NO ,No. Bad Mom

BUT she has done it.

OK, you have a "situation" on your hands.

Can you sit her down and talk to her, sensibly, Young Adult to Adult??

You need to explain that you were "dumping" your feelings, getting them all off your chest, and it was NEVER intended for anyone at all to see it, let alone HER.

This was your "hole in the ground" into which you said all the things you could never say, would never want to say, to her face.

I have been a "hole in the ground" for young persons, many times, whatever they tell me goes in and stays there, I never say a word, nor do I wish to. If they want an opinion they will ask for it. If they do not ask they do not get it.

Explain all that to your Mom, and tell her that you do love her, it's just that, sometimes, you do not like her very much!!!!

If you want to send your Diary to me, instead of Xanga, I would be honoured to be your "Hole in the ground"

Jane

 

[Miss_Fortune]

Well it was wrong of her to read it, but I also understand how hurt she must feel. Maybe if she doesnt want to listen you can write her a letter & put it somewhere she will find it. That way you can write out everything you are feeling & thinking & hopefully she will take the time to read it. I think she needs to know why you wrote what ever it was that you did, and maybe if she knew that she would be a little more forgiving. Good Luck.

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

Wow personally I think you have every right to be angry and should be the adult here looking to apologize to you

I have a 16 yr old daughter she is hormonal, trying to fit in and deal with high school and learning about dealing with boys and what true friends are on top of cheerleading and grades and thinking about college. I wouldnt be a teen again for a million bucks no way no how. The amount of pressure is overwhelming. The need to vent is perfectly normal.

There are times my daughter is a beast and to be honest times I dont like her but I always love her. I am sure no i KNOW there are times she doesnt like me but she loves me and we see past those times that perhaps the other isnt putting there best foot foward.

I know this must make you very uncomfortable and feel bad but IMO this is an issue your mom has to deal with not another you need to take on.

 

[Jill]

Well, first of all, I do agree your mother SHOULD NOT have read your online diary.

However, with as many bad things that happen to / in the lives of good kids these days, I feel I understand WHY she read your diary.

Your mom knows that when people are upset with each other, they say things they do not mean and this is the same thing.

I'm 36 now. When I was a teenager, my Mom and I did not get along at all. We had regular screaming matches with each other and we would be so upset with each other. Even at the time, we both knew it was because we are very much alike.

After I grew up and moved out (which I did at a pretty young age), things started to change. Now, she and I see each other many times a week and I talk to her on the phone like my best friend (which she basically is) every day.

Things will change and will look up. I know this is a painful time for you both, but if you didn't love each other it wouldn't hurt so much.

 

[Pepipony]

Frankly this infuriates me and I think your mom got what she deserved by reading it. Diaries are none of anyone's business except the owner. All people, teens included, need to have a safe and private place to vent.
Can you tell this happened to me as a teen?  My mother broke the lock on my diary, a diary SHE bought me by the way, so I guess she thought she was entitled to read it. From then on the battle was on, a very stupid thing for any mother to do.

Me too!! Your mom has every right to be hurt. HOWEVER. She read a VERY personal journal and while she may think she had the right, she got what she, well, not really deserved, thats too harsh, but she got what she went looking for? Thats still too harsh, you know what I mean LOL

Its like coming in to the end of a conversation and 'assuming' you heard everything. It just doesnt work.

I feel that if anyone has anything to apologize for, its your mom. Not necessarily for reading your journal, she may have felt the need, but for getting upset.

 

[ChrystalPaths]

I totally agree with many here especially Jane. My daughter always kept a written diary. I bought them for her! I encouraged it! Did I ever read them? No way! She trusted me not to; even when left out. Your mom should not have read your private thoughts. That is like you listening in on her private conversations.

Writing in a diary is like digging a hole and dumping all the stress and bad stuff in it so you DON"T explode and hurt someone. Perhaps THAT is what you should tell mom. Trust is a 2 way street. I am SO glad my girl is all grown up. The sooner you both confront both of your feelings of shock and upset the better.

 

[Danielle_E.]

Please don't let your mother make you feel guilty about your "feelings" that you wrote down in "YOUR" diary. I believe you said in your initital post that your mom doesn't trust you, well by what she has done I am sure you don't trust her either. What an unfortunate situation all around.

I don't think "not going home after school" is a good idea. Obviously the face to face communication is what led to writting your feelings in a "diary" so running away from this isn't going to make it any easier tomorrow or the day after unless you are BOTH willing to sit down and discuss it. I know that is going to be difficult for you but you can either continue this way and let her make you feel guilty, when you shouldn't, and let this fester too long until it is much more difficult to try and fix. Without pointing any fingers you should approach her and say "Mom, I need to talk with you and I need your patience and love while I try and express how I am feeling and the why behind what I wrote in that diary"..... If you truly can't speak directly to your mom then just go up to her and say "Mom, I am extremely uncomfortable in opening up to you and I don't want to be like this anymore so can we find someone to help me be able to do that with your help?" If you go into the conversation just "blaming" her she will only get defensive and neither of you will get to where you want to go with this.

I am sorry you are both hurt at the moment

but I am hoping you can open that "door" to repair some of the hurt you both feel.

 

[MiniHGal]

I absolutely understand, and I still have those days where I don't like my parents very much at all. In fact, there are always those things that I have a very hard time coming to terms with.

I would assume you weren't writing it as a private journal? Not that it changes her action at all, but it does mean that it was 'for public consumption' and she can fairly easily find it when sifting through internet files.

I agree that you need an outlet...and a journal is a LOT better than throwing things or getting yourself high!!! Maybe you can write(in your journal) about how you and your mom are having problems over this...but at least you are writing in a journal instead of being a druggie...

Unfortunately you need to go home--this will allow all of this to 'blow over', her memory of the journal entries will subside and become less. And by your action of going home, she knows where you are, and that you really aren't a 'bad kid'. But I think if you go to the sleepover(even though she knows about it and may have previously said 'ok'), she will have a 'sticking point' for which to 'rake you over the coals' when you get into later arguments.

 

[ChrystalPaths]

I've been thinking about how you two can fix this. How about a coffee house date? You can quietly discuss the lack of trust on both your parts.

 

[LilSapphire]

Sorry about you and your mom. Hopefully u two can work it out since obviously feelings were hurt on both sides.

I was going to say though, you should get a diary like a normal hard-back one and hide it in your room to write your feelings in, not one that goes on the internet that other ppl can see anyway. Hopefully it will be more effective on the privacy part of things Lol

Jessica

 

[billiethekid40]

Wow, sweetie, you didn't mess up at all! I know when I was younger I often used my friends as my "hole in the ground", because I didn't keep a diary. I often said things that were COMPLETE exagerations, but because I was frustrated, venting in a major way always helped. In the end I always saw that things weren't as bad as I made them seem. I bet you found that with your journal? Ever look back at it and think to yourself "well, I guess I over reacted, but it sure feels better to have gotten it off my cheast!" Its much much much better to do this "over reacting" to a journal than to your moms face!

I'd explain to her that your journal is your private place where you vent frustrations, and if you use it like I have a feeling you do, also explain that you didn't actually *mean* all those things, but that when you got frustrated with her over exagerating made you feel better.

And hey, if you can't talk to her face to face about this yet, try writing her a letter first, after all, we know she likes to read your writing

(sorry, just trying to lighten the mood) But really, write her a letter with your feelings about this and tell her you'd like to talk about it when you are both ready to sit down and discuss it rationally and calmly.

Good luck, being a teen can be tough but as much as my parents frustrated me when I was your age we get along sooo much better now!

 

[keeperofthehorses]

I may end up being the one getting flamed here, but here goes anyway... I'm assuming that you are under 18 and living at home. If I'm wrong, please correct me.

An online diary is not private. I searched around that site and within 5 minutes found several that could potentially be yours, and I bet if I really knuckled down I could find your specific blog. Want it private? Don't put it on the internet for the world to read. You don't know what kind of sickos are out there surfing for this kind of stuff. Create a Word document and password protect it. That's not fool proof either, but it's safer for you.

Right now, there are several cases (one murder that I know of for sure) that involve kids, OK, 'Minors', and their blogs. Kim Komando's show last week focused on how to get in and read your kid's blogs. Sounds like your mom may have been listening. First thing I did after hearing that show, and about the girl that was killed by someone who contacted her through her blog site, was search around for blogs belonging to my minor nieces and nephews. While you may feel that your mom violated your privacy, I see it as her loving you and doing whatever she can to protect you in a very different and digital world. A teenage girl writing about her angst regarding her parents is the perfect target for an adult sleaze bag to victimize.

I'm assuming you are a minor that is dependent on your mom for support, financial and otherwise. Reality is that while you are dependent on her, you have to play by her rules. There can be no expectation of total privacy while you are a child living at home.

Your mom has a responsibility to keep you safe and out of trouble. Perhaps the trust issues are not about you. Perhaps it's the rest of the world that she doesn't trust. No matter how well behaved you are, there are always sickos and freaks who are out there waiting for their next naive victim. You may think "It wouldn't happen to me", but it can. Google the sex offenders living within 10, 20 or 50 miles of you.

Regarding the sleep over, I would TALK to her and ASK her about it first. Just taking it upon yourself to go without discussing it with her will cause her to worry, which in turn will make her angry. Show her respect, and she will likely return it.

I went through some horrendously rough times with my parents as a teen. Looking back now, I see that they were just trying to be responsible parents. I believe that when it comes to the safety of children, you can never be too cautious.

Flame away...

 

[js1arab]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but maybe this will be the turning point in your relationship. Sometimes, unfortunately, it takes an awful thing happening to bring people closer. I agree with the others that it was a breech of privacy for your mom to read your writings. I also know though what it is like to have a teenager as well as be one. When I was a teen, I too was for the most part a hard working, caring, outgoing person, but growing up in foster homes, it was hard for some of the foster parents to give much freedom as some kids come from such troubled homes they have to be careful or these kids can easily end up in bad situations. But I got extremely tired of not being trusted and anytime I was 5 minutes late from work I was accused of all sorts of awful things. I found that totally unfair and admittedly became a bit defiante. Nothing major, but I was most certainly angry inside. Now that I have a teenager of my own and one whose been a bit of a handful since birth. I am so afraid of all the things that could hurt him in this world. He is a bit spoiled and if he doesn't get his way, he will find a round about way to somehow get it. That tends to break down my trust. Also, he has never done anything terrible (that I know of anyway !!!!) but he isn't always as forthcoming or honest as I wish he would be. I've tried to explain that I will be upset if he's done something wrong, but I will be downright ticked off if he lies about it and somehow he doesn't seem to grasp that concept. I will admit, while I don't go around trying to find out secrets, upon occassion he has left papers lying around the house (not in his room) and I have glanced at them to be sure I needn't worry. It is normal for a teenager to start being a bit more secretive and quite moody, but those same things can also be signs of any number of things including, depression, suicide, drugs, or undesirable personal contact if you get the drift . I worry about everyone of these things and wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened to my son, even though he's a pain in my kiester sometimes. Also, please don't be too hard on your mom for wanting you to be the best you can be. I know my son resents me constantly trying to be sure he's being "a good boy" but with my birth family's history I just want my boys to be better than that. I managed not to be like the rest of my family, but I will never amount to anything fantastic, I would love to see my boys go on to do well in life because then I know I had a good purpose in this life to be the best mom I could be. Sorry this was so long, but I truly have some idea how both you and your mom may be feeling and I hoped my thoughts might help you. Good luck to you and I will also be here if you ever need someone to just listen {{{{{hugs}}}}}

 

[Feather1414]

Well everyone, thank you so much for all of your advice. Unfortunatly, I have another part of my story.

I did come home from school and unfortunatly, I never made it to the party. At school, I had a major breakdown to all my friends, and we talked for a while, and I was feeling a lot better. Then, as the end to my school day got near, I was getting scarder and scarder ((is that a word?)) but I did go home. My brother got to the porch first. He rang to doorbell, mom opened the door

said hi to Kevin, ignored me, and let the door shut in my face.

I went up to my room where I was for about 3 hours, when my dad called. He started talking to me, asking me if I truly felt that way, and I did deny it. He said that it was wrong for me to even THINK that stuff, let alone write it down. I used to have an issue with cutting and I began writing as a way to let my feelings out elsewhere.

The thing with my mom not trusting me is absurd. I really dont know where she gets the idea I am a bad kid.I have never smoked, drank, done drugs. I am home on time ((most of the time, give or take 5 min)) I have good friends and I don't put myself in bad situations. It just hurts because I am not the person she wants me to be. She wants me to be straight A, super girly girl, gets along with everyone and the daughter who talks to her about everything. Instead she got me. Punk rocker tomboy who LOATHES talking about her feelings to anyone.

It just hurts sometimes. I wrote down my feelings because I needed too. Yes, it could have been in a hardback diary, but no, it wasn't. If you really needed to know what blogring was mine, it was username Baaababy off of Xanga.com. I deleted the whole site for fear of whatelse she may stumble upon.

I have asked my mom what she was like when she was my age, but all she EVER says is we will talk about that when we are older. I have also tried talking to her. I would explain my day at school, and she would tell me what I did wrong, or something like that. The other day, I was at Walmart and I saw my friend Roxy. She had dyed her hair black about 2 months ago, and my mom started going on and on about how none of th girls in my group of friends do anything to improve their looks. I'm sorry if I don't put on a boatload of makeup every day, wear expensive deisgner clothes and make sure I am hair free. Thats not me. I wear black pants, $5 dollar shirts and a hoodie. I brush my hair, and throw it up in ponytail most times. Heh, enough of my ranting....

 

[ChrystalPaths]

If you are/were a cutter it is a serious issue and perhaps one reason mom felt she had to check up on you. I hate to backtrack on my original opinion but if my childs saftey and yes that includes cutting is at risk....I may snoop. You see...my daughter was a cutter. I never knew until I found blades everywhere. When I asked; she folded and showed me and we talked forever. It is still a temptation for her when she gets stressed but she resists. I pray for her everyday. You have to be a mom to understand the fear and frustration of doing all we can for our kids and then seeing them do something so foreign to us. It scares the heck out of us. She got counseling I hope you will too. You and mom need to put it away and start fresh. My prayers are with you all.