I need advise

[Voodoo]

OK, I'm really in need of opinions here. This might get long, but I need to let it out. When I was 18 I met a really wonderful guy. I'd never dated before, but he was awesome and we got together at the teamroping finals in Oklahoma. He lives about 400 miles from me so it was tough, but we dated for three years (broke up almost a year ago). I spent summers at a friends house who lived close to him, so we rodeoed together, trained colts, built demolition cars, everything together. He would come to my house for school breaks and such. We had alot in common and had a great relationship for about 2 1/2 of the three years. Then we started fighting alot, of course it was about money and commitment (what else). I didn't go to school, but I did work a good job, paid my own bills, owned my own truck, trailer, horses, paid my own way. I still lived at home, but I paid everything except rent, that included my horse feed, shots, wormer, clothes, tires for my truck, phone bill. I mean everything. He on the other hand was going to school, but he had no major. He only wanted to rodeo. His parents sent him money, he'd never had a job and wasn't planning on getting one until, well, he never really said when although I asked him several times. He said he wanted to be with me, asked me to move in with him. I said no, I loved him and wanted him to get a job, find a way to help support us and buy me a ring (didn't have to be expensive, but I won't live with someone I'm not married to). He said he wasn't ready for marriage, but couldn't live without me

. I asked about money, he said well, you work a job and his parents would help out. I didn't want to be supported by his parents, I want my own life. So needless to say I told him to grow up, and if I was still single when he did we'd talk then. We didn't talk for 6 months, I didn't date anyone else, I mean not even dinner. It just didn't feel right. I thought I was over him, but I saw him at a rodeo this summer and I felt the old feelings come back. We talked politely for a few minutes, then I had to leave. Since then we've talked on the phone a few times, but kept it simple. I don't want to go through the old things again, but every time someone mentions him I just want to cry because I miss him so bad. I hated the fact that I couldn't be with him all the time, but I won't go live with him either, just not my style. I don't know if I should start things over and try again, or just bury the past and move on. In all truth though he was the only guy I ever dated and at 22 I just don't know how to approach the subject that I should be familiar with (dating other guys). I'm just friends with all the guys, we all rope together and I'm just one of the crowd and I don't know how to change that, or even if I want to. I guess I just needed to get this out and if anyone has advise that would be great too.

 

[Baptism]

I don't think you would be happy if you went against your morals, beliefs and standards. If you compromised that I think you would eventually blame him? I know it is easy for me to say but you are young yet and there is plenty of time to meet a great guy or give this one time to see the light. Don't wait for that to happen though. (Him to see the light I mean.) Go out with friends for a fun date.

 

[justaboutgeese]

Young lady have all the fun you want with this young man but do not commit to a man who will not commit to you. At first glance it appears that his world would be perfect if he had you to supplament his income from his parents to provide the luxurys on the weeks he finishes out of the money. I am not telling you to stay away from him but I will tell you to keep your money as your money. Do not fall into a trap where you are the major source of income in the relationship. There will be other men in your life who will be willing to place you on a pedistal and take care of you all the time encouraging you to plan for a future that extends beyond the end of rodeo season. Life is 365 days a year and having security gets more important than have a new champion buckle. If I were you I would have fun now but keep looking for a partner with goals that have substance and reality.

 

[jdomep]

I am not telling you to stay away from him but I will tell you to keep your money as your money.  Do not fall into a trap where you are the major source of income in the relationship. 

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Boy this is some good advise I could have used 20 years ago! TAKE IT! Procede VERY carefully and don't swerve off of your morals and beliefs for any man!

When I was 17 I met a man who was 33

(but didn't find that out for 4 months- should have told me something was not right then...)

I was the sole income for that relationship until I was 27 - lived with him for 8 years then finally came to my senses

Packed up my stuff and rented my own apartment and met the love of my life 6 months later

(I would have had WAY more money if the stuff I bought him would have been money in the bank

)

 

[justanothercowgirl]

You are so mature and together especially for your age!! You have good values, good work ethics and a good head on you shoulders. The fact that you won't live with him unmarried is commendable. There is nothing wrong with good old-fashioned values and you need to stick to them!!! Unfortunately anyone can fall in love with a person that doesn't have the same values or goals as they do. He may have grown up by now, or he may never grow up. He could be Mr. Right and he's just not ready yet. However, don't let the real Mr. Right walk on by while you waiting for this guy to grow up!

You have worked hard to get where you are today, it would be a shame for you to marry a man who would be comfortable with you supporting him!!

Enjoy your life, keep up the good work and when you least expect it the right man will be standing right in front of you and you will be ready for him. Please don't be in a hurry, he will be worth the wait!!

The right man will not be bothered by the fact that you can rope as good as he can and will treat you as his equal and not a buckle bunny!!!

 

[Marty]

I would certainly listen to Vic.

Although it's admirable that he is a full time student, it seems to me that he's a little bit too comfortable with taking money from his parents and expecting to bring you into that scene too.

Play, love, and live, but this is not the guy that I'd be wanting to set up housekeeping with. I would be keeping other options open.

 

[RainSong]

Honestly, I had never dated when I met my husband. Never even been asked on a date, never been kissed, etc etc. Guys were friends... well, some of them (the few who bothered to be nice!)

It's always better to be friends first. My husband and I were friends and along with my best friend (and others in our roleplay game group), the three of us ended up discussing some pretty deep subjects and dark secrets pretty throughly.

He "made the first move", but we only ever had one "date". It never really seemed like our r elationship changed, but it did. It was just a gradual thing. We met around Feb '01, were living together by about August, and were engaged by December. Didn't get married till March '03 though! lol Now we've got an amazing blessing in our unplanned but deeply loved son.

My advice... don't worry about not having dated. I only found my husband when I stopped looking. Just be you, and the right one will come eventually.

I can't judge you and the guy you've talked about. My gut feeling is that he's not the right one, but that's all I can go by. It took me a month or so to realize I truely loved my husband, because my head was such a mess- and I wasn't about to commit to him when I wasn't sure of my feelings. It's not right, IMHO, to tell someone you love them (or even deeply care for them) when you're not sure you do- or simply don't.

Any man you are with has to support you. Maybe not monitarily (that's between you and him

, but definately emotionally.

Sorry for rambling so much.

 

[shortymisty]

If you are already having reservations about this guy, there's your sign. He might be a good "buddy" but not good "boyfriend" material. Don't compromise what you believe in and your morals, stay with what you are and want. Hindsight is 20/20 and you have gotten a lot of good advice here and I wish I had this when I was your age then I too would have had money in the bank. Just live and have fun and you'll know when the time is right to bring someone into your world. Take care

 

[Voodoo]

I really appreciate all the opinions and great advise that I received from everyone. I will just keep my morals and my mind straight, and keep my life hopefully on the right track. I think what gets me is that altough I don't like alot of things in the relationship, it's familiar. In which case I need to learn to deal with new and unfamiliar things in this instance, and/or just keep my friends and let things develop as they will. Thanks again everyone.

 

[Teedee]

The mother in me pops out when I read these posts. You are a good girl so don't you for one second compromise your standards and goals for anyone. A man that age should not want to live off anyone. There are lots of fish out there in the sea so you keep fishing and leave the "suckers" alone.

Hey I have three single sons ages 25, 23, and 19 up here in Idaho. I am looking for them a wife because they can't seem to find the one... They all have jobs and going to school just not a single horsey bone in their body....I wonder where they came from??????/

Good Luck and you stick to your guns girl. You are talented, smart and friendly any man would be lucky to have you...

Tammi

 

[justjinx]

I have a 22 year old daughter and if YOU were my daughter i would tell you to consider everything said here. Its true, you would eventually begin to resent a person who was not as mature as you, not as responsible as you, and one for whom you ignored your morals and beliefs to be with. And, YES, keep your money YOUR money! You sound like such a wonderful mature person (much like my daughter) and i would hate to see you hurt more than you already have been!

Hugs! jennifer

 

[rabbitsfizz]

He knows exactly how you feel about living with someone and yet he still expects you to compromise your moral standards because poor little him does not feel ready for marriage?????

RUN, do not walk, do not look back.........RUN

 

[Jill]

I don't really know any advice, but I want to say I am impressed at your age you told him to grow up. I bet there are a lot of guys who would have so much in common with you, and be self supporting! I started dating my husband when I was 16 and am 36 now! We did live together for many years before getting married (I was the one dragging feet -- was lazy!) and I don't regret it, but I can imagine how I'd have felt if it fell appart when I was 22. You have so much going for you and it sounds like a really good set of priorities.

 

[billiethekid40]

I think what gets me is that altough I don't like alot of things in the relationship, it's familiar. In which case I need to learn to deal with new and unfamiliar things in this instance, and/or just keep my friends and let things develop as they will.

Bingo!

I was in your boat (well, not exactly). I had a lot of guy friends, but was just "one of the guys". I dated a few of them, but nothing ever serious because its just so hard to go from "one of the guys" to being "a lady" (and being treated as such ). It never worked out because we were so familiar with being friends, that dating was just... I dunno... not very special LOL I think it lacked the excitement of a new relationship, and they still treated me the same as their guy friends, which wasn't always the most respectful.

Sooo, one day an old friend was in town and invited me out with her friends. I didn't know ANY of them (way scary for me, I'm soooo not a stranger fan). I went out and had a great time! I talked to a few people, and really hit it off with one guy..... that one guy took me out ring hunting last weekend.

NOW when I go out with him, I meet all kinds of new people! All of his freinds are new to me, but I'm getting out of my shell more and now when I go out with new people I make it a point to at least TRY to talk to everyone.

I'm having the time of my life and really figuring out who I am.

So I guess what I mean is, keep your friends but try new things too! Grab a friend and try out something new. A class, a new bar scene (if you are into that) or coffee house. Something where you will meet people. When you are comfortable talking to people with your back up aka friend, try going out on a solo trip and see how many people you can talk to. Its amazing what can happen to you while you are just out to have some fun and meet some cool people. Do it for the experience, and if someone fun and interesting falls into your lap then even better!

 

[wcr]

I am a firm believer in listening to your gut instinct and you knew it wasn't right for you. If you think something is wrong, then it usually is. Trust it.

Unfortunately for tender, young feelings, dating and meeting new people is how you learn what it is about someone that want in your life. Until then relationships are just practice.

Don't settle for second best when somewhere, sometime the person who will put you on a pedestal and treat you like the special person you are and respect you for your values will come into your life. Who knows, he may be around waiting for you to get over this other guy.