Being single and what it means to me...

[LindaL]

After reading about Kim's situation and the new thread about being married and what you can do to "save it", I have decided to write my own thread about what I learned about being SINGLE and what I like about MYSELF!

First of all, I have been married to a man, a woman and been someone's "partner", so I have had those experiences and know what it means to be married. I was married to my husband for 12 years and seriously, if I had decided that I was able to stay in a marriage while being attracted to women, I think I would still be married, because we were compatible and almost never argued. We had a "good" marriage and yes, I did all those things that were mentioned in Kathy's post. But, in the end, I decided that MY happiness (like Kim's husband's happiness) mattered more to me than anything else...and I knew that by making that decision affected not only my life, but my husband's and my children's lives. We have all moved on from that and are happier because of it.

Then I was married to a woman for 7 years. We had a pretty good relationship, but as was mentioned in Kathy's post, I put my horses above all else and my wife put her daughter before me, so we had a lot of issues that in the end were never worked out. We are, however, now best friends and have been for over 4 yrs.

My next partner I really felt like she was "the one"...even more so than with the 1st two that I married. We had a few intimacy problems, but we did get along and were each other's constant companions (we literally were together almost every second of the day except for work). One day, she blew me away by telling me we "were done"...no explanation, nothing...To this day, I still do not know what happened. That happened last April.

OK, so now...for the 1st time since I was 20 yrs old, I was SINGLE...no husband, wife, partner, GF...or kids!!!! I was ALONE!!! That was such a scary moment for me...realizing that I had no one at the end of the day.

Sooo.....moving right along here...I was depressed, cried A LOT and told Brenda (my Ex who is my BFF) that I wanted to die. She asked me if Tracy was WORTH it??? Well, um....H*LL NO...In July, for just a blip, Tracy came back into my life and said all the right things, did all the right things...then turned around and told me she didnt want any contact with me for at least a year...what??????

OK, so in the meantime...I stopped crying, stopped laying around on my arse doing nothing...and MOVED!!!! I started walking, started eating better, started taking classes, started going out with my friends again AND making new friends, started hanging out with my horse, started DOING things for MYSELF!!!!! I learned to LIKE myself, that I was STRONG, WORTHY, could be HAPPY being alone!!!

I figured out that I didnt NEED someone in my life for happiness. I really started to LOVE being single and everything about it. I felt such freedom and independance!!!

OK, so in November I did start going out with a woman, but I am such a different person than I have ever been in my life that our relationship is much different than any of my past relationships have ever been. We each have our own SEPARATE lives and like it that way. We have NO desire to move in with each other any time soon (the joke is that lesbians own UHauls, because they usually move in with each other pretty quickly), I am still very much acting like I was before I met her...my own activities, my own friends, my own SPACE!!!! (And she has hers, of course).

Being single for me is, after having been thru the relationships I have been in, such a BLESSING!!! I wouldnt trade it for anything at this point in my life!!! I am SOOOO much happier...more than I have been in a LONG time!!!

Technically, I am not single since I am in a relationship, but....really, I am...I am my OWN person, with my own thoughts, my own decisions, my own LIFE!!!

For me, marriage is an institution I would not want to be in again. Do I hope to someday be someone's life partner??? Of course...everyone wants someone there for them in love and life, but if I never find that person again...and of course I am not saying Trudi isnt her (I am just taking my time deciding that!!)...I will be just as happy alone.

I figured out that being ALONE and being LONELY are two very different things...you can be lonely being with someone just as well as you can being alone. I would MUCH rather be alone and be happy and fulfilled than be in a LONELY relationship.

Being single, I can be a little selfish...putting MYSELF first...and by doing that, I am able to do things I enjoy....for ME!!!!

Isnt that what life really is about??? Being happy??

 

[Sue_C.]

I am able to do things I enjoy....for ME!!!! Isnt that what life really is about??? Being happy??

I too read the other thread, and agreed with much of it...but do not agree that one should stifle one's self, to make the MAN feel like the MAN... My husband of 29 years, doesn't need or want for me to be the same woman that I was when we married. Heck...he can take most of the credit that I have changed from that quiet, "never speak-up" little GIRL, into the "take no crap", WOMAN that I am now.

We have both changed, yet remain best friends above all else. To me...that is the most important thing...many of us can fall in love...but to turn that young love, into a lasting friendship and mutual RESPECT...that is the hard part.

As for being happy, yes...that is what it is all about...we just have to take responsibility for that ourselves...not expect someone to do it for us...or have them expect it OF us.

 

[minisaremighty]

You are right on Linda that our own personal happiness has to come first. Once we find happiness within ourselves, we can bring that into a relationship or just continue on our own. Personal happiness should be our highest goal, because if we are not truly happy, we can't give back to the world.

 

[Bunnylady]

I have always felt that you gotta live your life in a way that makes sense to YOU, not someone else.

 

[LowriseMinis]

I think I've said it here before, but I'll say it again. After reading that other thread, I'm obviously not cut out for marriage.

 

[Jesper]

well I had a similar talk to my mom about that and I told her that I would rather be single and happy in a place where I want to live then single and unhappy in a place I don't want to live (that was about the location of where I plan to live in a few years)

think of yourself first, when you are happy it is easier to make others happy

 

[Sonya]

I think I've said it here before, but I'll say it again. After reading that other thread, I'm obviously not cut out for marriage.

Marriage is not just about the "other" person...you do have to have you own independence/self/idenity or it will never work in the first place. There is lots of compromise and sacrifice that must happen at times too though, which can be trying, but when you "really love" someone, you do it and you WANT to do it.

 

[NoddalottaFarm]

Linda - YOU GO GIRL!!!!

I am married, and we have the strongest relationship of anyone I know. Alone, I have my model horse hobby and he has his guns, together we have the Minis and flea markets. We are married, but also enjoy our time alone. You need to be happy. Life is too short to not be. Be happy with who you are, with who you are with (or not with, as the case may be), and happy in what you do. Happiness is the only thing in life that is truely free.

 

[Bess Kelly]

Been married 2X....now single. First young marriage, along came 2 beautiful children, hubby & I were great friends, not great H/W. That ended (14 yrs) with reasonably amicable divorce. I eventually began a relationship with a handsome hunk I have known for years, never prior involvement on a "personal" level. Always new he was "THE" one and I was certainly right!! I lost the love of my life to cancer 20 yrs later. Would be hard for another to measure up to him. Life was grand.

Been alone for past 9 yrs and no issues with it at all. Let me say that with my last marriage I was never controled, always encouraged & supported in whatever I wanted we both loved horses/animals -- I am a very strong person. Owned my own home/property for over 40 yrs. Like having freedom to make my own decisions, go where & when I please.

No man in my life but, never say never..........I'm not looking.....But.....

Let's see -- a well preserved, good looking, active, unattached, retired/semi-retired vet could be looked at for a fun time.

Just never know when you need a helping hand. So, assests would be part of the consideration? You betcha!!

 

[Riverdance]

I too read the other Post. I too have been there with 2 husbands. I got married the first time as I did not want to be an "Old Maid". Of course I was only 22 when I got married. But my mother was old school and one was supposed to get married before finishing school. Also, a wife was not supposed to work, that her husband was supposed to take "care" of his wife. Meanwhile the wife was supposed to always put the man first before her children or herself. Which left me always last and VERY unhappy. My 1st was a Narcissist and was forever putting himself first before us. He was always unemplyed, verbaly and sometimes physically abusive. I never loved this guy, but was in love with being in love, if you can understand. That marriage last 10 very long years. I was seeing a marriage couselor after 6 months of marriage and spoke to an attorney 6 years before I got strong enough to get out.

I was always afraid of being "alone". that dealing with him was better than having no one. Fortunatly I got strong enought to leave with two little girls. 5 and 8 years old. The next 3 years were GREAT, but I still felt I needed someone to be whole. The next one I chose, I wanted to make sure he was stable and had a good job. I got married 3 years after my divorse. John had a good job with the same company for over 20 years. Unfortunatly, I did not see that he too was Narcissistic and verbally and physicall (eventually) abusive. The first 5 years of our mariage were not too bad, though my daughters hated him. The next 5 years got progressively worse. After 10 years with him, I left again.

Only this time, I decided that until I got to know my self and love my self, I was not going to even date anyone else. The first 2 years were really hard and I cried a lot. But, it has now been 10 years. I love my farm, my horses and my dogs. My youngest daughter , who lives near me, has 2 sons with a 3rd baby on the way and I realize that I really do not need anyone. I really would prefer to be alone. There is no one telling me what I can do, when I can do it, how to spend my money or to clean up after. The only time I even think about having a man around is when I need some work done around the farm. To bad we can not have one in the closet that we can take out when we need them.

Anyway, GIVE ME SINGLE ANY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!