lvponies
Well-Known Member
Well....Things have dramatically changed around here. Allen was going to stay til spring to help get repairs done around here and to save money to rent his own place. We were cordial to each other, but he slept in his room and I slept in my older daughter's room. Pretty much like ships passing in the night. He pretty much came & went as he pleased and I never knew what he was doing or what he was up to. He told me on Valentine's night that he was "stressed" and needed to go away for the weekend to a buddy's hunting cabin to "seriously think". He said he was leaving on Saturday, but Friday night he came home and said he was leaving that night. Didn't take much with him. I asked him, since he was going to a rustic hunting cabin, if he wanted to take some food, toiletries, sleeping bag, etc. He did take a sleeping bag, but nothing else. He ran out of here Friday night like a cat with it's tail on fire and didn't even say goodbye. Said he didn't know if he would have cell phone coverage while gone as the place was up in the mountains, but said he would try to call me Saturday morning. Never got a call. Saturday morning after taking care of the horses, I took a peek in his locked work truck to see what I could see. Saw a pink envelope on the seat of the truck, but couldn't make out what it said from either side window. I climbed up on the hood of the truck (I did, I really did!!) and looked through the front windshield and could see the envelope. On it was written in a woman's handwriting, "to my one true love"!!! Oh....wasn't MY handwriting!! So....finally had the proof I needed that he was involved with another woman!!! Since Allen has been here, he has sworn & promised that he would not get involved with another woman while living here. Said "I would never do that to you, Kim". I believed him as he's never lied to me before and has always been trustworthy. Well.....he lied!!! Guess he lied numerous times about where he was going and what he was doing!!! Anyway...tried texting and calling him and his phone was turned off. Gathered up his guns, deer heads, clothes, etc and put them out on the front porch. Texted him to tell him that I had thrown everything out into the front yard. When he didn't run right home to get his hunting rifles out of the yard, I knew he wasn't getting the messages because he loves those guns more then anything!! Didn't hear from him until Sunday night. He was scared to come home and called me from the front of the subdivision instead of coming straight home. Tried to deny that he had another woman. Finally came home and the scene began!!! Oh...one other thing that happened....Saturday I looked at my online checking account and while Allen had been depositing money into the account, he had withdrawn so much that his total contributions to the bills and household expenses for a month was $87.33!!! That won't go too far with our bills!!! On Saturday, I called the bank and cancelled his ATM card. Once he got home, Allen admitted to the affair with the other woman. Said they had started talking a couple of months ago, but I guess didn't "get together" until after he told me it was over. He wasn't at a buddy's hunting cabin all weekend, he was in a motel with this woman. Said the two of them have a connection and he's never met anyone like her. Said they are "in love"!! OH.......the woman is living with a boyfriend!!! After lots of "talking", I made Allen sign a document I had typed up giving me the house, agreeing to child support and his truck payment/insurance. Gave him a written schedule of when the various payments are due to me. Allen said that the affair "just happened" and he wasn't looking for anyone else. I told him that things "just happen" to immature teenagers, but things don't "just happen" to middle aged men. They make a conscious choice to do or not do something. He made the wrong choice. It really burns me up that I told him that he could stay here until he had the money together to rent his own place. While he was eating our groceries, using our electricity, getting his clothes washed, etc....he was carrying on with someone else. All the time, living in our house, sleeping in our bed and using my money to support his relationship with her. I was trying to be really good to him as he had been good to us through the years and he screwed it up. He had told me that he would never get involved with another woman while living here with me. That was one of many lies he told me!!! I KICKED HIS BUTT OUT!!! He actually had the nerve to ask me if he really had to leave that night and tell me that he had nowhere to go. Not my problem, buddy!!!
The girls are both really angry with Allen and his actions truly disgust them. I don't know if they will ever be able to repair their relationship with their father. He's truly acting like an immature teenager and not taking into account his responsibilities and commitments here. He had his cell phone turned off all weekend while he was with that woman. What if there had been an emergency with me or one of the girls? Bethany asked me what if something had happened to me and she was here all alone with no one to call? Regardless of his "new love" he is still a father and has responsibilities to his girls. I told him that I hope his brain gets straightened out and back on the right track at some point. He thinks his brain is working "just fine" thank you very much. He took so much money out of the checking account in the last month buying phone cards to talk to the woman and to have money to be with her that his sum total of deposits to our home expenses and bills was $87.33!!! Well, his truck payment of $488.00 is due to come out of the account and be paid this Friday. Don't think $87.33 will go too far towards that!!! No, I really don't believe he's thinking right. He's like a teenager all caught up in a first love.
Allen told me during a discussion we had since he told me that he was leaving that he never wanted to be married and have children. He said that he planned all along to leave once the girls were grown. He has been unhappy & miserable since the very beginning of our relationship 19 years ago!!! I told him that it was his own fault that he was unhappy. He made up his mind to be and never opened himself up to the joys and happiness that was all around him. He was a good man to us, but rarely participated in any family events or his children's lives. Both girls feel that he resented them from the beginning and that's why he never showed them any love. He closed himself off from them & me.
You know what's really weird? I am more hurt by my illusions of who I believed Allen to be being popped like a balloon then the affair. After 19 years together, I totally and completely believed that he was a good man, an honest man, a man with intregrity. I trusted him more then anyone else I had ever known in my life. He has never, ever hurt me before all this. I felt safe with him and at peace for the first time in my life. I really expected to be devastated by knowing he was with another woman, but for some weird reason, that really doesn't bother me or maybe I'm numb and in denial and it will hit me at some point? I don't know, it's weird!! I told Allen Sunday night that I no longer believed all these things about him and he wasn't a good man afterall. He said he was still a good man, just a good man who had made a mistake.
I do still care deeply for Allen and hopes he finds the happiness he seeks. I also hope at some point in time that he realizes everything he's thrown away and feels deep regret for that. He had it all, but still wasn't happy. Now he will have nothing, but claims this woman will make him happy. She's currently living with a boyfriend and he hasn't been told yet. So...2 relationships are being broken up as a result of their "love". Allen said that affairs and breaking up marriages happens all the time. I told him that doesn't make it right and I never, ever thought that he would do something like that to me. He has never purposely hurt me before. Wonder what will happen when the thrill of sneaking around to meet this woman wears off? How can he even feel "true love" for her when they've known each other such a short time? They barely know each other at all. It really seems more like infatuation, lust or puppy love to me. I did ask him if he was going to take her by to meet his parents and he said no. Also asked if they were going to move in with each other and he said he's not ready for that. I think the bloom will eventually fall of the rose and believe at some point, Allen will realize what's his done to his family and hopefully feel truly mortified and be filled with regret. Or....maybe "true love" does just happen that quickly sometimes and they will be together forever. Just don't know!!
It is actually a relief that he's gone. It was stressful with him living here....never knowing where he was, when he'd be home, who he was with. So...now we move on, try to heal and get on with our new reality. He left with what was left of his last Friday's paycheck in his pocket....no he never deposited any of it as he needed it for his weekend.
His ATM card was cancelled and he gave me back the check books he had in his trucks. I opened a new checking account in just my name and moved the bulk of the money into it. He has nothing!!! He hasn't taken anything of his from the house, not even the clothes I so nicely bagged up and put on the front porch for him. Told him that when he wants to get his things, that he will have to call to make arrangements to get into the house while we're here. Need to get the locks changed, but haven't done that yet. Hope I've thought of everything. It's weird without him being here, but I guess we will get used to it in time. Still have the habit of looking out my window for his truck lights coming in the driveway, but I guess I'll get over that too.
Meanwhile.....my younger daughter and I did join the gym and have been going to step aerobics classes, spin cycling classes and using the treadmills. I have lost 16 pounds so far. Only 4 pounds away from losing 20 pounds!!! I'm so excited!!
I think we'll be ok in time!!! I really already feel better as the other shoe has dropped with knowing about the affair and him leaving and I didn't fall apart. I think all the lead in time from when he told me he was leaving at the beginning of January to him actually leaving on 2/17 gave me a chance to get stronger and adapt.
If you've made it this far reading my "book"....thank you! Thank you all for being there for me and supporting me through all this.
*Edited to fix some formatting errors.*
The girls are both really angry with Allen and his actions truly disgust them. I don't know if they will ever be able to repair their relationship with their father. He's truly acting like an immature teenager and not taking into account his responsibilities and commitments here. He had his cell phone turned off all weekend while he was with that woman. What if there had been an emergency with me or one of the girls? Bethany asked me what if something had happened to me and she was here all alone with no one to call? Regardless of his "new love" he is still a father and has responsibilities to his girls. I told him that I hope his brain gets straightened out and back on the right track at some point. He thinks his brain is working "just fine" thank you very much. He took so much money out of the checking account in the last month buying phone cards to talk to the woman and to have money to be with her that his sum total of deposits to our home expenses and bills was $87.33!!! Well, his truck payment of $488.00 is due to come out of the account and be paid this Friday. Don't think $87.33 will go too far towards that!!! No, I really don't believe he's thinking right. He's like a teenager all caught up in a first love.
Allen told me during a discussion we had since he told me that he was leaving that he never wanted to be married and have children. He said that he planned all along to leave once the girls were grown. He has been unhappy & miserable since the very beginning of our relationship 19 years ago!!! I told him that it was his own fault that he was unhappy. He made up his mind to be and never opened himself up to the joys and happiness that was all around him. He was a good man to us, but rarely participated in any family events or his children's lives. Both girls feel that he resented them from the beginning and that's why he never showed them any love. He closed himself off from them & me.
You know what's really weird? I am more hurt by my illusions of who I believed Allen to be being popped like a balloon then the affair. After 19 years together, I totally and completely believed that he was a good man, an honest man, a man with intregrity. I trusted him more then anyone else I had ever known in my life. He has never, ever hurt me before all this. I felt safe with him and at peace for the first time in my life. I really expected to be devastated by knowing he was with another woman, but for some weird reason, that really doesn't bother me or maybe I'm numb and in denial and it will hit me at some point? I don't know, it's weird!! I told Allen Sunday night that I no longer believed all these things about him and he wasn't a good man afterall. He said he was still a good man, just a good man who had made a mistake.
I do still care deeply for Allen and hopes he finds the happiness he seeks. I also hope at some point in time that he realizes everything he's thrown away and feels deep regret for that. He had it all, but still wasn't happy. Now he will have nothing, but claims this woman will make him happy. She's currently living with a boyfriend and he hasn't been told yet. So...2 relationships are being broken up as a result of their "love". Allen said that affairs and breaking up marriages happens all the time. I told him that doesn't make it right and I never, ever thought that he would do something like that to me. He has never purposely hurt me before. Wonder what will happen when the thrill of sneaking around to meet this woman wears off? How can he even feel "true love" for her when they've known each other such a short time? They barely know each other at all. It really seems more like infatuation, lust or puppy love to me. I did ask him if he was going to take her by to meet his parents and he said no. Also asked if they were going to move in with each other and he said he's not ready for that. I think the bloom will eventually fall of the rose and believe at some point, Allen will realize what's his done to his family and hopefully feel truly mortified and be filled with regret. Or....maybe "true love" does just happen that quickly sometimes and they will be together forever. Just don't know!!
It is actually a relief that he's gone. It was stressful with him living here....never knowing where he was, when he'd be home, who he was with. So...now we move on, try to heal and get on with our new reality. He left with what was left of his last Friday's paycheck in his pocket....no he never deposited any of it as he needed it for his weekend.
Meanwhile.....my younger daughter and I did join the gym and have been going to step aerobics classes, spin cycling classes and using the treadmills. I have lost 16 pounds so far. Only 4 pounds away from losing 20 pounds!!! I'm so excited!!
I think we'll be ok in time!!! I really already feel better as the other shoe has dropped with knowing about the affair and him leaving and I didn't fall apart. I think all the lead in time from when he told me he was leaving at the beginning of January to him actually leaving on 2/17 gave me a chance to get stronger and adapt.
If you've made it this far reading my "book"....thank you! Thank you all for being there for me and supporting me through all this.
*Edited to fix some formatting errors.*
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