This is going to be personal, but I have no one

[lvponies]

I have no friends. I've worked from home for the last almost 10 years and I have no people close to me to talk to. My mother has passed away, so don't have her either. So, wonderful forum members, my only family, I am coming to you with my troubles.

So.......my husband of 17.5 years has told me that he no longer loves me and hasn't loved me for a long time. He cares about me, but isn't "in love" with me. He says he isn't happy and wants to move on. He says there is no one else and that he doesn't feel he is capable of being "in love" with anyone. He wants to be on his own with no one to "report" to. He's always been since I've known him, very closed up with his feelings. Non-demonstrative & closed up with his feelings. So, this has come as a total shock to me. He says he's not happy. We went through an awful lot in 07. He had a heart attack a year ago, my oldest daughter's legal problems & drug problems. 07 was a really bad year and I had really hoped that 08 would be better. Guess not!! It's an awful feeling to be told that you are no longer loved. I always thought that down deep he loved me. Now he's saying that after all these years that he's never felt "in love" with me. We're both 47 years old. Mid-life crisis maybe??

I don't know what to do. I've never been alone. This is all extremely fresh as he told me this on the phone at 6:00 this morning. My initial thoughts are that we will have to get this place ready for sale, sell the horses and find somewhere else to live. We've lived here for 9 years and there's alot that will need to be done to get it ready to put on the market. There's no way I can continue to support it by myself. Financially, I could maybe swing it, but I've depended on him for long time to do stuff......make hay, deliver hay, fix fence, etc. You all live on farms & know all that needs doing. I think the thing I will miss the most is the barn that Allen built for me. I always thought of that as the ultimate way for someone to show his love for me. Maybe that seems silly, but all the work he put into it building it by himself always amazed me.

I'm in shock!!! How do you deal with someone telling you after 18 years together (17 married) that he no longer loves you. I really need a hug!! I really need someone here for me. But there is no one. My reality has completely shifted, my world has come to an end.

He said he will help get the house ready for sale. He doesn't want this to get ugly and for the sake of my kids, neither do I. We need to sit down & figure out the bills and stuff. We bought him an 06 Dodge 3500 dually truck with a Hemi this past summer. Really nice truck with only 6000 miles on it when we bought it. Big & black with all the bells & whistles. I really wanted him to have it as he hasn't had much in his life. I think he's going to have to sell it. Don't know if he will be able to make payments on it without my income.

I don't know what to do!!! My life as I knew it has come to an end!!! Our marriage wasn't perfect, but there was no fighting, no ugliness. He has just decided that he no longer loves me or wants me. Doesn't want to stay here and live a lie. At 47 years old, I will be on my own and alone. I don't know how to deal with that. It just hurts so much!!

Thank you for reading this! I really appreciate it very much.

 

[FairytailGlennMinis]

Oh man...I am so very, very sorry for you! I sure don't have any real advice other than to seek counselling--demand counselling together! Wow...I can not imagine...I am so sorry

 

[MiniforFaith]

OMG, I am so sorry.

I wish I was closer, i would be there for you. My hubby and i went threw this about 10 yrs ago. We did the complete "d" word. We were completely seperated and everything was final for about a year(I was raising a 2 yr son, now without him) Then, he realized that he did still love me, that all we fought about wasn't importaant, and the new woman in his life wasn't leaving her hubby ans that he was set up by his sister

(now you know why I do no like my in laws.) I moved back in with him, but waited 2 yrs to remarry him.. It is not easy at all.. All I can say is that I went along with it all.. Then he woke up.. These are going to be some rough days ahead, but if you need an ear on the phone, I can pm you my number ans we can talk.. Hugs to you

and don't blame yourself.. Men are just buttheads sometimes..Once they get the bug up their behinds, they have to do what they think is what they want.. Please take care, and remember everyone is wonderful on here and are here for you..

 

[Charley]

"Hugs"

I am so sorry. You have gone through so much this last year and so has your husband. You have told us what he says he is feeling. Ask yourself...are you still in love with him? If you are I would tell him. Let him go and be there for him. Things may not work out but it could.

It seems like you two have grown apart....selling the farm and simplifying things in your life are not bad things. I think a lot of people do this and I'm hoping that this brings you the life that will once again make you happy and content.

I would not rush to break things up. Just do things one at a time and see where it leads you. Take time to take care of you...and do what is best for you.

 

[minie812]

I feel such empathy for you. Sometimes when we get a "slap in the face" like that you think it is YOUR fault. Sounds like hubby may feel "life is passing him by" since his heart attack and he isn't getting any younger...get out and get yourself into a support group ASAP...that can be your lifeline, talk with your kids when they have questions-do not shut them out. Church is a great support if you go, if you don't go-START. You also need spiritual help too and I only know of one person that can help you there. Good Luck-alot of us have been there!

 

[Sonya]

Oh Kim I'm so sorry. I know you are devasted and feel alone, I wish I was closer to you I'd come over there right now and give you a big hug.

This could just be a phase for him. As for advice...just take it one day at a time. Encourage him to go to counseling with you (if he will).

If it doesn't work out, don't think for a second that you still can't have a farm...you can...maybe smaller scale and it might have to go on hold while things are getting worked out, but you can do it.

Take care of yourself...and I don't want to sound like a witch, but make sure have the upper hand financially..you don't need that added strain...stay a step ahead of him if this is what he wants...example...I wouldn't worry about that truck that he won't get to keep...that's his decision and his doing...you worry about YOU.

HUGS

 

[Izzyantheminis]

Hey hon I'm so sorry for the terrible hurt you are dealing with.

You know he is right at the age many men start looking around for "more in life". Don't take this news as something you did wrong.Please don't.

He is no doubt struggling with his inner demons.He sounds depressed to be honest.

Sometimes when this happens it's for the best for both husband and wife.Because it gives the woman a new freedom and a chance to find inner strengths she never knew were there.That can be a beautiful thing!

But when a man leaves his wife during these mid life crisis situations,they very often come to regret it.Very frequently they find out the grass may look greener elsewhere but the roots run deeper at home.And that's something that can't be replaced.

I'm really glad you reached out to us here.You really aren't alone.

(((HUGS))) Izzy

 

[Basketmiss]

So sorry to hear this... I am sad for you...

Sounds like a midife crisis... The heart attack scared the H%!! out of him so he is probably not seeing things rationally.

suggest counseling, if he will maybe you can talk thru this, or at least what has happened, so you can better understand and not feel so `like you've been run over by a Mack Truck!!

If he wont then yes do stay on top financially, so many women get rooked in that department. Even if you have to sell the farm( which i hate for you) you can have a smaller farm maybe? I know you said he does the man things ( which I understand) but there are some ladies out there with farms. You can get someone to either cut your hay or bring you hay from somewhere else... There are always handymen around who would help a lady who needs it with things around the farm.

But you might not want to do this? If not that is ok too, then you will be on a different lifes plan..

I had a friend that this happened to. They were married 13 years and one day she comes in and tells him she is done and doesnt love him and never did!! My question for her and your husband so you lived in this marraige for 13 or 17 years and you say you never loved me!! I dont believe them! I think that is just what they say as an escape claus! If they tell you that then they can run out of the marriage cause YOu will be so hurt and mad!

I believe your husband did love you and still does, his judgement is just clouded...

Keep your head up, we are hear to listen so dont feel like you dont have anyone... (((( HUGS))) to you...

 

[Denise]

I am actually speechless right now. You are the second person I know of this weekend that this is happening to. It has got to be the mid life crisis thing.

I am praying your days ahead are not to rough and painful. You are one of the nicest people I have met in a long time and cant stand it that you are going thru this alone. Just wish I were closer to do some hand holding. Hang in there, we may not be close but all of us are here for you anytime you need us.

 

[justjinx]

oh, kim, tons of (((HUGS)))) coming your way! if there is ANYTHING i can do, let me know! i will be thinking about you! jennifer

 

[Marsha Cassada]

I, too, have endured this. My husband became a different man. I believe it was a sort of possession. My sons were teenagers at the time. He told me he wanted to sell everything and live under a bridge. He was tired of resonibility. He stayed at bars till they closed with single friends. He told me I was fat and ugly.

It was a terrible time for me. Who can you talk to about such a thing? I prayed.

After it had passed, I would sometime stand and see my sons and their father talking and be thankful and amazed that we had made it through.

I was changed by it.

When I hear of a man buying a lot of new clothes or a red car, I know some wife is in trouble. He may even say he is doing it FOR HER. No matter, he is the one with the problem.

Please try to survive. Go on with life as well as you can from day to day.

Or, perhaps hire Guido to beat him within an inch of his life and put the fear of God into him.

I can never watch movies or read books about such behavior. It is too terrible in real life.

Unfortunately, it is not only men who go through this. I have known more than one woman who abandoned her husband and children in the same way.

May God bless you and keep you, my dear.

 

[Kitty]

Sorry to hear this.

I don't know what I would do either. I have been married so long I would be totally lost.

I think it is sad that he had to tell you on the phone. IF you are still having feelings for him I would insist that he go to a therapist with you to make sure he isn't in depression or whatever for a certain amount of time. I don't think that is asking too much and maybe it would help him to express himself. Start with each of you going independently and then together. We did that in the past and it really helped. No marriage is perfect, don't care what anyone says.

I can feel for you about 2007. It was one of the worst of my life personally and sounds like it was awful for you and 2008 is not starting out great either. It may be bleak now but it will get better.

BIG HUGS. Remember everyone here will help you thru it and you can email or I'll send my phone number and we could talk. The fourties are a hard age.

 

[Charlene]

i don't have any advice but i did read everything that's been posted so far. i just want to let you know that i am sad for you.

 

[jrae]

So sorry to hear this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[minimomNC]

Don't sell yourself short. And don't think he won't still help you around the farm if you need him to. And for goodness sake don't sell first. If you can handle the farm finanically, then ask him if he would be willing to still come and work there, as much for him as for you. And I will tell you, I am 47, a widow, and working a farm. My daughter does help some but its still a job. If you love it, don't give it up. Things will work out. Who knows you and your husband might be better friends than you ever were spouces. Could be what you both need for both of you to be happy.

 

[MBhorses]

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Wish I was closer to you. You know all of us on here are with you. We will be praying for you.

take care,

 

[ClickMini]

Nothing to add but sending big "hugs!" I do not pretend to understand men at all. They are very, very different, that is for sure!

It would sure be helpful to dig a little deeper and see what it is that caused this "revelation" for him. I am betting that it has nothing to do with you at all.

It is a very difficult transition when the kids grow up and move out of the house. You suddenly look at the other person and think "what now???"

I think for my husband and I, the animals have filled in to a degree. We talk about them alot. LOL But he got very needy and that to me is sometimes difficult too.

I can see where someone would get near that transition point and not know what to do. I definitely can. It is worth working through, but it is a hard time in a marriage.

Well I am sending you lots of big hugs and also wishes that you are able to move forward in whatever direction you decide with some positivity and goodness for yourself.

 

[Just Us N Texas]

Please call his Dr. and discuss this with him/her. Several years ago, Jerry had a quadruple by-pass, luckily they found the problem before he had any heart damage, or a heart attack. Anyway, his GP, and his heart specialist told me to watch him closely for depression, because it would surely happen, as it happens to most men who have had heart issues. I'm not saying he isn't having a double whammy with the mid-life crisis as well, but these things can and are taken care of medically. He is feeling his mortality, thinks life has not been kind to him, and he wants a fling to prove he is still a vital man. Please, please talk to the Dr.s, and do whatever they suggest before either of you make a big decision.

 

[Hosscrazy]

My heart goes out to you...I know how hard this is. My only advice is that you need to remember that no matter what, you will be okay - it may be hard, but I do believe things happen for a reason and you need to find the strength inside to keep moving forward, and to take care of yourself.

My ex-husband and I split 7 years ago after a 10 year marriage and quite honestly, in hindsight, that was the best thing that could have happened to us. Though I didn't realize it at the time, he was not the right one for me and I am much happier now than I have ever been in my life. We didn't have a bad marriage - not at all - but it just wasn't right.

I wish you all the best,

Liz R.

 

[Sterling]

Kim...I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. ((Huggss)) I hope altho this year has started out rocky for you, that your husband is only going thru a phase and realizes that. My best to you Hon, stay strong.