Think Before You Post - Three words that get used too much

[HGStables]

First off if this post gets locked or deleted I understand but I think this needs to be posted as I have seen this happen many times on here.

A lot of people come to LB for help and advice, to learn so they do things right. But one thing I am noticing more and more are these three words "You Should Have". Those three words can be very hurtful and seen as rude. We are all humans we make mistakes, but what no one needs is to be made feeling like an idiot. Many may not see how "You Should Have" can do that but trust me it can.

Everyone here has three big things in common. One we all love miniature horses or we would not be here. Two at one point we where all NEW to miniature horses. Three we ALL MAKE MISTAKES. But what everyone dose not need is people giving the "You Should Have" speech. There are so many better ways to handle this then those three hurtful words. Trust me once somebody knows something has gone wrong usually from Inexperience or dishonesty, those words already went threw their heads 100's of times. What needs to be said is kind and helpful.

Here are some of the most common examples of things new people run into

- Buying a horse without it's papers and being told it will be sent to them, or they can register them

- Trusting a seller on temperament

- Trusting a seller on show records

- Trusting a seller on height

- Buying a horse and being told it has all it's shots, vetting and that they will be sent to you or "its done but you don't need the papers"

God knows there are many many more but these are ones I have seen a lot on here.

Now below are some of the most common answers to those issues

- "You Should Have" refused to take the horse without papers

- "You should have" handled it more before paying for it and taking it

- "You should have" contacted the association to check show records

- "You should have" measured it before paying for the horse and taking it home

- "You should have" refused to take the horse without records in hand or confirming with a vet

It is exciting to get a new horse, a lot of these things slip peoples minds or they where never educated on it. "You Should Have" is a very hurtful set of words to use with someone who just got taken on something. It can be said in a much kinder way that will educate the person not just make them feel like an idiot or feel totally unwanted on the forum. I have seen several people quit because of this going on. It would be so much nicer and easier to change what you say.

Example :

WRONG -

"You Should Have handled him more before you left"

BETTER -

"I'm sorry this happened, next time I would recommend handling the horse for an hour making it do whatever you may ask it to do at home and then some to see what the horses temperament truly is like. Maybe I can help you I know some raining tips that could help remedy this issue"

WRONG -

"You Should Have called the association to confirm his show records"

BETTER -

"Did you know you can call the horses association with it's registered name or ID number and find out what the horses actual show record is? Here is the associations number incase you decide to buy another show horse and want to make sure its record is what you are told "111-111-1111."

Many people may not realize what the said really makes the other person feel like dirt. It's not a great feeling trust me I know that feeling. I have caught myself almost saying "You Should Have" several times helping people with things I have a lot of experience in. It is easy to let it slip but I think we should all try to stop ourselves from using it anymore. One thing I ALWAYS keep in the back of my head no matter what is "I USE TO BE NEW" everyone here use to be new, use to know very little, and where totally inexperienced. But we all learn along the way wether by mistakes or tips from those who are much more experienced than us.

Like I said take this post how you please I can not control what you think of it but I feel it needed to be said. I'm not trying to start any trouble just get people to think a little bit before they type and post.

 

[vickie gee]

Bravo. Well said. It often is not what we say but how we say it. I could very well be guilty unintentionally.

I remember when I first began participating in the forum I asked a question about horse growth/height after my first filly had a six hour surgery for a leg deformity and got a very hurtful reply. I honestly do not remember who from and three years later I still do not want to remember, yet I remember how callous it sounded at the time. Perhaps I even misinterpreted the meaning of the reply. I just know that at the time it felt like salt in a wound.

 

[eagles ring farm]

I'm sorry you were hurt by the comments sometimes its like being hamered having the same thing repeated in several replies

I have not read the entire post from before but I do think the intention of most on here is to help. Its just a matter of how things are said as you pointed out. We are all guilty of that along the way somewhere and I never really thought of it the way you took it, but I can see how it could be like rubbing salt in the wound.

I hope everyone was trying to help and the typed word can be taken so wrong.

You can get some abrupt answers on here sometimes but here's hoping it's not meant as abrupt as it sounds

You certainly got alot of info and I hope it works out your happy with your new horse and yes you should be excited he is a very handsome guy

 

[HGStables]

Eagle,

I did not post this because of what happened to me. Sure it played into it but I have seen alot of rude posts. So many are typed out to where they read just wrong. I have seen several people quit since I joined because of this. That is why I think people need to really think before they post. I get people got all out of sorts at my post but they also turned into what it became. I just wanted to know what people would do and instead I got ganged up on. People need to think about how the other person feels not just what they do.

I got tired of hearing "You should have measured him". I gave the seller the benefit of the doubt and trusted him. From now on I will measure every horse or will require a height guarantee. I am not one to not trust someone without good reason. Did the seller take care of the problem? Yes he did. He did more than I was asking him to do. I thanked him I also told him if for some reason/miracle the horse measures at or under 34" I'd return what he did for me as I am honest and don't plan to give myself a bad rap.

I feel for some of the other new members that got the "You Should Have" treatment. It sucks. It is not fun to have people make you feel like an idiot or feel like your stupid. We should all be out to educate people not as said above "Rub salt in wounds" trust me it hurts enough making a mistake without it.

I am just asking to Please please PLEASE think before you post people have feelings. the economy is bad and I think it is a great thing for new people to get involved in minis. And the best way to make sure they are in it for the love of minis and helping keep the breed strong (registered, correct minis) we need to help educate them.

 

[Minimor]

I wish that likewise people would stop and think before posting a thread that bashes a seller for some deal that the buyer was equally at fault in.

I do get quite tired of the rants by people who feel they got cheated when in reality they contributed to the problem by assuming things, not asking questions, etc etc etc. Sometimes they were even warned or given advice in advance and they chose not to heed it. Sometimes they have no one to blame but themselves--and so their rants are very hard to take.

Personally I am not bothered by someone saying 'you should have'

 

[HGStables]

Just remember Minimore, you where an Uneducated Newbie too and those mistakes you choose to bash now where mistakes you yourself may very well have made.

Taking this attitude in your post will not help you or the person seeking advice.

 

[Jill]

Well, I don't know. LB it's a public forum that thousands of people read. When a member takes the time to respond, and lend others the benefit of their insight and experience, it's something that should be appreciated for what it is. Don't ask for opinions if you're not really open to them, appreciate help when it's offered. and don't blame the messenger.

 

[countrymini]

Hey HGStables

When you wrote this post what 'you should have' written was.. no, I'm just joking lol. I totally agree, obviously people in hindsight KNOW what they should have done without others pointing it out.

I'M NEW TO MINIS AND PROUD! there I said it, and i'm bound to make mistakes along the way, like i've already done by purchasing a lovely broody pinto mare that has a straight hind leg which is prone to a locking patella which I can now see but at the time of purchase I didn't know enough to tell the difference.

I don't think I'd be to worried if the three words were aimed at me unless it was kinda added to a degrading sarcastic remark.

 

[mini horse mania]

I am guilty of taking sellers words to be honesty...and getting dooped on more than one occassion...and i know there are a lot of things i should have done differently..but i will say that is is a shame that a seller will straight up lie about a horse to sell it. its wrong..you should be able to trust people more than that.some of the stuff that has happened to me was my fault...but when a straight up lie is told...i think thats the sellers fault for not coming forth and telling you. i can understand a small mistake..but not in a lame mare..or no stallion report..or a horse being sold as amha and three inches over on delivery.i did not expect that..and in nc..if sold with a coggins..its as is and sellers know it. Buying horses has become like buying cars...assume they are lying...and check for yourself.i have learned my lessin and will not be one of the dealers.

 

[raine]

Public forum or not there is no reason for people to be rude and assume that they no more or would have handled a situation better.... People on here come for advice, not to be told where they went wrong ,which they all ready know!!!!

Great post HGstables

 

[minimomNC]

You are correct, we were all new once. Many of us have said to ourselves "you should have". I know I have, a few times. But it only took once or twice for me to realize I needed a list of things to ask. I bought a yearling stallion at a very predominate auction several years ago when you had to pay in the thousands to get a stallion like you just bought. I learned the hard way that you need to check it all, take nothing for granted in any type of sale. The stallion I bought ended up being a cyrptorchid, I paid many thousands for this horse as a future breeding stallion. What was I told when I informed the person handling the auction, oh well, it happens. So I learned my lesson, I didn't take it to a public forum, I didn't need to. I knew what I did wrong. I can't blame the seller, it was my fault for not checking first and getting a guarantee. It has never happened again. Learning is a good thing, asking questions is a good thing, taking your mistakes to a public forum to bash a sellers is not the right thing to do.

Public forums are a place to learn, talk about the common interests and to share. The problem comes in when the typed word doesn't come across like the spoken word. The last "You should have" is to everyone that is new. Ask questions before you buy. There are alot of people on here that can help you find answers before you spend that hard earned money. There are so many ways to "see" a horse before you buy, ask us, we can tell you how. A lot of us know how to find show records without calling the associations and we are happy to do it. And while the tone might not across as sunshine and puppies, the meaning is still the same. We are just hear to listen, help and share.

 

[MountainWoman]

Well, you should join us in our political discussions on The Back Porch. We all get very heated but I still think of all those people as my Bulletin Board friends even when we almost come to blows. I think the internet on bulletin boards is a very difficult medium. People are typing and trying to post and I do believe the majority of people have good intentions and sometimes they just shake their heads in disbelief at the mistakes we newbies make.

There is also a great section on Lil Beginnings Board with info on minis. I think perhaps we should post the link to that more often.

I've learned so much more here than I ever thought I would, I've enjoyed arguing politics (especially reading Jill's intelligent posts) and I just let the people who seem mean roll off my back. There's also a block button I do believe.

Thanks LB members for all the cameraderie and fun.

 

[Minimor]

something I forgot to say earlier...for anyone who posts a thread bashing a bad seller...it would be nice if that person then followed up with a posted apology when that bad seller actually steps up and makes things right. Sometimes people are just too quick to post bad things.

Another point to remember--not everyone admits to being inexperienced. Some may admit to being new to minis, but they will talk long and loud about how much they know about horses in general. Sometimes their real inexperience is obvious, sometimes they hide it quite well.

 

[Jill]

And, btw, yes... we were all new to horses and miniatures once. Decades ago for some of us!!! Lucky for you and many, many other newbies that LB hosts a wealth of experience and wide range of accomplished and successful miniature horse enthusiasts who are willing to give newbies a heads up / hand up along with sincere advice and opinions. Lucky for lots of us that we know we'll never know it all and can learn from fellow horsewomen and men. People can look at things in a number of ways, but the ones who decide to learn from others, be open to ways they can improve, and do not take everything personally are the ones that usually tend to get the best resuls.

Additionally, it's not a race. You don't have to start showing as soon as you decide to purchase a mini. You don't need to "train" a driving horse in less than 2wks. You don't have to start a breeding herd 2mos into becoming a horse owner... It's not a race and if it was easy, we'd all be owning, showing, driving and breeding National / World champions. The journey is a huge part of the fun. I can honestly tell you I was as happy with the grade mini I started with as I am with my show champions now. I wouldn't go back and skip a single step along the way, but there were some rough lessons I did not enjoy..

 

[little lady]

Thanks HG Stables for starting this thread...excellent! I try to share as much of my personal experience to be helpful and not hurtful and hope I have not come across in the wrong way. If we as a group of miniature horse people want to promote our breed in a positive light and not come across as snobby we need to be conscientious of what we say. We also have to remember that what we may do or dream of for our mini may not be what someone else wants or dreams of for their mini. Since coming here I have learned so much from various people on this board and am sure I have more to learn. I also love sharing, reading and learning from fellow miniature horse lovers.

 

[circlesinthesand]

Well...here's my take, which BTW has nothing to do with buyer's remorse as I love my guys. This whole thing is a double edged sword.

You can't avoid offending people. It's always going to happen. Thick skin is the only way to survive on a message board. For example, I offended someone for just trying to learn. I was even told it outright it offended them. I was eventually given a somewhat sufficient answer (at least more than I had previously received) to my question but my question was legitimate, I truly didn't understand, how are you supposed to learn if you don't ask? I know my angles and conformation about what I know, stock horses, but I have no clue about park horses. My questions about them were largely unanswered, not just on this forum but for years in real life, decades in fact, until eventually I asked it in a manner someone deemed rude...yet it got the results so for that, I really don't care if they were offended (and it was not intended to offend in any manner, at all! it's from a place of truly not 'getting it') It took someone getting mad and saying, you've offended me but this is the answer. So now I am more knowledgeable about it. BUT instead of just saying it, they mentioned they were offended and it was enough of a thought that for me, even though I still don't get parts of it and have more questions, I probably won't ever ask here again. I may ask elsewhere, I may not. It just depends on if I find someone open enough to ask, otherwise I'll just be ignorant and think what I will about it. Will my thoughts be informed? well no, probably not.

So which is better, getting offended and holding your tongue or getting offended and speaking out? I dunno. in a case of learning...censorship happens when people are afraid to speak, especially to ask questions. So instead of getting offended yes people should think before they post but at the same time, sometimes the anger gets them to spit things out. However that anger also leads to the other party not wanting to ask again...see the double edge? it's a vicious cycle of communication that breaks down because of anger (even if it's in the form of mild annoyance.)

 

[Marsha Cassada]

Perhaps we need to use the correct grammar we were taught in high school English, using "one" instead of the very personal "you". "ONE SHOULD..." becomes general and broad. "YOU SHOULD..." becomes personal and sometimes accusative.

"ONE should never do such a dumb thing" sounds a little better than "YOU should never do such a dumb thing".

I do like the reminder of offering constructive, positive criticism instead of destructive. This works with horses and husbands; it's bound to work pretty well, too, with our Forum friends!

 

[LAZY J MINIS]

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK, ONCE SAID THEY CAN'T BE TAKEN BACK. WE HAVE ALL MADE MISTAKES. WE ARE HERE TO HELP AND ADVISE WHEN ASKED.

 

[littlebigspots]

Where's my like button. Great post.

 

[eagles ring farm]

And, btw, yes... we were all new to horses and miniatures once. Decades ago for some of us!!! Lucky for you and many, many other newbies that LB hosts a wealth of experience and wide range of accomplished and successful miniature horse enthusiasts who are willing to give newbies a heads up / hand up along with sincere advice and opinions. Lucky for lots of us that we know we'll never know it all and can learn from fellow horsewomen and men. People can look at things in a number of ways, but the ones who decide to learn from others, be open to ways they can improve, and do not take everything personally are the ones that usually tend to get the best resuls.

Additionally, it's not a race. You don't have to start showing as soon as you decide to purchase a mini. You don't need to "train" a driving horse in less than 2wks. You don't have to start a breeding herd 2mos into becoming a horse owner... It's not a race and if it was easy, we'd all be owning, showing, driving and breeding National / World champions. The journey is a huge part of the fun. I can honestly tell you I was as happy with the grade mini I started with as I am with my show champions now. I wouldn't go back and skip a single step along the way, but there were some rough lessons I did not enjoy..

Great sediment Jill - The Journey is the real sweet part that we cherish everyday with our horses.

Back to the topic -Things can really come across not as intended on here ...and occationally they are exactly as intended

I think you may have felt hammered as reply after reply were saying about the same thing

but taking care through the process to have the posters be aware it is also not right to bash a seller on a public forum.

Often attack is not the best way to handle a purchase problem.

I am one who is also guilty of never checking a measurement on a horse we have picked up - maybe I've been lucky but have not been burned

on a horse purchase. (Knock on Wood) And have been very happy when purchasing sight unseen except pics