I"ve decided to share some of the poems with you that I have written over the past few nights. You probably will find somethings in some of them disturbing, so read at your own risk. They are filled with emotions, which aren't good, but this is how I feel. I'm not the same anymore.
They said I could never have children
but one day there you were
the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen
so perfect to join this world
You were so very funny
right there from the start
I never knew what you would come up with next
but you brought constant laughter to my heart
As you grew you loved to sing and dance
You're quite an entertainer indeed
and then you did the best imitations
I always said you should perform on tv
And as a teen you became so restless
struggling to become a man
it happened so fast in front of my eyes
like playing catch me if you can
The days came that you wanted more freedom
to come and go as you pleased
you turned 18 in a blink of the eye
and some of your childhood ceased
Then came the license and your first car
that made me so very concerned
every time you drove away from home
I'd pray to God for your safe return
I'd wait by the window and look for your headlights
why are you being so late
I feared there was an accident every day
but it was only another hot date
I'd beg you each day to be sure not to speed
a race car driver you were
speed on the track where you are supposed to
not on the roads over here
"I'll be ok, I'm a good careful driver"
he would always say to me
"But you have to watch out for the other guy" I'd respond
"Don't worry I'm as careful as can be"
I was certain there would be an accident someday
and I was happy each time the car broke down
because I knew I'd have you longer that way
although I hated to see you frown
So we went to town on Friday morning
to buy you more parts for that car
I hated to see how sad that you were
that it was breaking down hour after hour
Then we stopped so you could apply for some jobs
and had our favorite Subways for lunch
on our way home we had a heart to heart talk
and let some of our secret thoughts come out in a bunch
We made some plans for a 4th of July party
a big bash it would be for your friends
a night of pool splashing and fireworks
and music all night long till it ends
I promised not to drown your girlfriend
And finally leave the two of you alone
Since now you had your diploma
This relationship I’d now condone
You were so grateful to me for these things
you said "mom sometimes you just rock"
we spent this last day having so many laughs
and dancing in the mud without our shoes wearing only socks
We were building a fence and making a mess out of it
You were hot and so sweaty and tired too
You tried so hard to get it right
But I said let's give it up till later when it gets cool
Then you worked on some engines in the garage
trying to get your little chopper to run
You were amazed that you were so smart
that no one could fix it, you were the only one
And I never saw you anymore after that
I didn't even know you drove it away
I thought this whole time you were still in the garage
and for the rest there's not a lot of words left to say
Just know I am searching for you
calling and now screaming your name
I am so scared that something is wrong
and you are in some kind of pain
A chopper has landed in a field
and everyone is rushing around
daddy is covered in so much blood
what on earth is going down
I know there's many flashing lights
and atleast 10 neighbors are holding me back
I only remember fighting them to let me go to you
and I don't know what happened after that
My darling I know I've made some big mistakes with you
and some were way out of line
but please give me another chance with you
to right my wrongs and make things fine
Please just know that it's ok that you're late
but it's time to come home to me now
I hope you aren't mad at me for something I did
because I'll make it all better somehow
Get a message to me today
I am begging that of you
Send me a sign in any form
and make that message come through
Love,
Mommy
**********************************************************************
Where are you my Michael tonite?
It's so dark outside but the stars are bright.
Please come home and dance with me again,
and let me laugh at your mischievous grin.
Come bouncing out into the living room,
in your crazy boxers dancing with the music that shakes the house and goes boom
Tie up the phone all day while laying back in the chair,
eat the whole pizza yourself again I don’t care.
Our fence we started is surely not straight,
the whole thing is sagging and so is the gate,
I don't care, we'll make it right,
but Son, you have to come home to me tonite.
I know you left your room in a mess,
It doesn't matter I must confess.
I just need you here to hold and to hug,
and don't worry about the grease on the rug.
Dan needs your help right away,
someone wrecked his 4 wheeler in a terrible way;
Dad said it won't run anymore,
please can you try to fix it some more?
Remember the impersonations you did for me last week?
I doubled over laughing so hard it was so neet;
and the one about the Chinese guy that you did
the stuff you come up with you crazy kid.
And your new comic routine was just so insane
where you did the head bobble I laughed till I was in pain;
and you kept doing it over and over you'd say,
my stomach was hurting from laughing from it all day.
You have to make all your friends laugh and be such a clown,
but why were so many kids crying today in town?
I'm not sure where you've gone, or why you're so late,
but I'm so very worried there's been some terrible mistake.
So please when you get this, just know I'm not mad,
but I must tell you something is very wrong with dad,
So just hurry on home soon as you can,
I am waiting to dance and laugh with you again.
Love,
Mommy
*******************************************************************
Lord I must have a word with You
and I know that You know me well
I don't mince words with You at all
and there's plenty I want to tell
I know I've been quite a work in progress
and I know I've messed up so many things
but haven't I tried real hard to honor You
and revered You as my king?
Lord I know that You don't make mistakes
but something here's gone very wrong
Michael was not here with me today
to dance or sing his favorite songs
You know my boy has struggled in life
in so many different ways
he finally found himself on the right road
and we were having so many happy days
Michael had so much to live for
and so much left to give
his future was looking so bright ahead
and we all needed him to live
He wasn't doing anything wrong
he never hurt anyone at all
he suffered inhumanely in such a cruel way
didn't You hear me call?
I screamed for You to help us
I begged for You to make it all cease
I cried for You to intervene
and let us return to live in peace
You have a whole army of angels
and why couldn't You spare us just one
an angel of mercy to hold my boy's body together
and angel to help save my son
You do not need my Michael
Lord please give me back my son
we have so many things left to do
we were having so much fun
Take the other person
and do with him what You will
punish him the way you are punishing us now
and make this earth stand still
He's a very bad person
and this is something that You know
he has hurt many and murdered once before
where did the justice in this world go?
How can a person like this even exist
and be allowed to walk around free
what is wrong with this earthy law
when he's loose on a technicality?
I'm sorry that I want vengeance now
and it is supposed to be only Yours
but I am only a human mother
looking for some kind of cure
There is nothing left of my family
my husband lays by a cold grave
my little boy Dan can't hardly speak
and there's nothing left of us to save
Lord, please give us back our yesterday
when things were going so good
stop the world and turn back time
there must be a way that You could
You can make miracles happen
I need one to happen today
Fix this pain inside I have
and take all this bad away
Lord let me wake up in the morning
with Michael standing over my bed
let me see and hear him again
or just take me with You instead
But let Michael have his life back
right here right now on earth
it wasn't all that long ago
that we rejoiced at his birth
I cannot find peace without Michael
while a terrible murderer runs free
please find a way to help us all Lord
and please find a way to help me.
********************************************************************
Mom I hope you aren't mad at me
because I got that mini chopper to run
I just had to try it out a little bit
I was having so much fun
I remember we were working on the fence
and you told me to go take a break
Instead I went back to the garage to work
but I didn't know it would be a fatal mistake
And after a while I finally got it going
I was so proud of myself
No one's been able to fix it for years
but I did with old parts from the garage shelf
I drove it down the road just a ways
to see how it would handle for me
I know what happened after that
I couldn't talk but I could hear and see
Mom I really wanted to stay
I did my best to try
I hung on as long as possible
and oh how I could hear you cry
I can see you mom in a very bad way
I expected that from you
Your tears are streaming like a river all the time
but there's nothing more that I can do
You have to remember our last days together
and my new comic routine
I made you laugh so much those days
but now I only hear you scream
Mom you've got to find some peace
and look after Dan for me please
I know he won't talk too much about this
and don't let him take my car keys
Be sure that you keep him off the road
as long as you possibly can
it's like you always said to us
we drive ok but also look out for the other man
I'm going to be coming around you
in many different ways
look for signs that I'll leave for you
every single day
I know that's not going to be enough for you mom
but right now it's the best I can do
I know you want to touch my face
and have plenty of hugs left for me too
Use those hugs to wrap around Dan
and tell him they are from me
and if you really want to plant that garden we spoke of
start with a willow tree
Then plant some flowers around it
and I'll help sprinkle them with some of my own tears
they'll grow this time I promise you mom
and they'll remind you of me through the years
***************************************************************************
Mom I'm so sorry I had no choice
I tried to come back two times they said
but my heart wouldn't jump start any more
and before I knew it I was dead
There was a light that was pulling me up
as I left my body behind
I seem to have floated with Angels
and they were so very kind
But I kept looking down at you below
and it was awful what I had seen
the road looked bad and dad was a mess
but I felt so very serene
I asked the Angels to let me come back
I told them you'd want me back home
but they said that God was waiting for me
and that I wasn't really leaving you alone
I asked them so many questions
and wanted to know about Dad
I was worried that I was in big trouble with him
you know when I leave tools out he gets mad
I wanted to know about my little brother
and who's going to watch out for my Dan
but the Angels assured me that it all will be right
and he would grow into a fine man
But what about you now mom
you're always such a rock for us all
you seem to be crumbling into pieces
and now you have begun to fall
That's not like you at all mom
and I know you've said you're tired of being strong
so why not think of how I made you laugh
when I'd come into the living room singing my silly songs
I have touched the face of God
and it is so wonderful here
He has no locks on anything
and he allows me to come to you to be near
I'm trying to send you so many signs
but you have to look carefully for them
I'm in your room and all over the house
so we are really together again
I've not gone out of your life mom
you just cannot see me like before
I'm every where you are every day
just make your mind an open door
I was in the barn with you this morning
I was watching you're every move
I see your face and surround you in love
I'm giving you hugs to soothe
I know you are crying at our fence
the last thing we did together
it's such a crooked mess yes it is
but don't worry dad will fix it up better
I see you have put a cross up in the barn
and hung up the little bell I gave you among your other things
and you are sitting in there praying for me all day long
it's like your special church with my bell that rings
If it were you, you'd say to me
come on let's pull it together for Dad and for Dan
so now I'm saying this to you
You can get through this because right now I'm holding your hand
********************************************************************
Michael can you ever forgive me
for being so hard on you
for making you study and stay up at late night
to practice those tests you had to do
Michael can you ever forgive me
for riding you so hard about school
I know books were not your thing
when you'd rather be working with tools
Michael can you ever forgive me
for all the times you were unjustly blamed around here
for things that you weren't really responsible for
I didn't know at the time my sweet dear
Michael can you ever forgive me
for saying no to you time after time
I was too hard and too strict with you
I should have been more lenient and kind
Michael can you ever forgive me
for not giving you the money to fix up your car
I thought it best that you work to pay for it yourself
to teach you responsibilities that would take you far
Michael can you ever forgive me
for not being the perfect mom to you
I wish I had another chance to be better
and I'd do more to help you through
Michael can you ever forgive me
for pushing you to your limits
I wanted so much to help you become a good man
but now there's no way for me to fix it
Michael can you ever forgive me
for grounding you so many times
when you messed up so badly
when you just would not mind
Michael can you ever forgive me
for making you get off the phone
when you tied it up all day and all night
and when I got mad when you were late coming home
Michael can you ever forgive me
for throwing some of your friends out of here
I know I misjudged some of them
I thought they were drinking some beer
Michael can you ever forgive me
I now found out that you told me the truth all along
I am so sorry for anything I did
I am so sorry for whatever I did wrong
**************************************************************
I can't live without my son
it all just hurts so bad
I'm so tired of crying now
I am vicious and mad
I feel like I'm being tortured with swords
and being stabbed over and over again
just like my son suffered in the ditch
for way too long until the end
I can't live a life like this
torn apart like this every day
nothing will ever be the same
with my son so far away
What a great kid that's gone from this world
his space in life has gone
no more silly dancing
he won't sing any more outrageous songs
This boy loved to play with babies
and pets of every kind in the world
he wanted ten kids of his own someday
he said 5 boys and 5 little girls
And he wanted to build his own big house
and be such a big success
but now with him gone there's nothing left for him
just us left in one great big mess
There is such a hole in my heart
there's no way for it to mend
our whole family is drifting away
this has all got to end
My family is miles apart now
we're acting like we're strangers
I'm scared to let Dan out of my sight
and scared of all the world's dangers
It's not like us to act so badly
although we weren't perfect from the start
none of us will ever find happiness again
our world has exploded apart
I'm not sure what we did to deserve all this
I keep going over and over it my mind
what did we do that was so wrong
and why is my God so unkind
I guess we'll never know the answers
atleast while we're here on this earth
so I hope God reaches down and grabs me up soon
and gives me my new re-birth
Because I don't want to stay here anymore
not without my son not like this
there won't be anymore joy in this house
because it's Michael that we all terribly miss
*********************************************************************
Do not tell me he's in a better place now
Don't dare tell me God had a better plan
I don't want to hear this stuff anymore
because Michael belonged on this land
Those are just words that people say
in hopes that will make you will feel better
well I don't feel better about anything
not until my son and I are together
Everything I had believed in
and all the commandments I tried to uphold
just where did all that devotion that get me
and yes I am angry and bold
my son went through something so horrifiying
and no child should ever have to suffer
where are the words to justify that
no child should never be ripped from his mother
God did not need my son like we did
He did not make him an Angel with wings
My son is not flying around through the heaven's
he's in a cold grave where I can't hear him sing
Yes I am very mad right now
Yes I am loosing my faith
What do you expect from me now
I can't hold or see my son's face
If there still is a God up there
and if He is still King above all
return my son to my life in my arms
and let him answer me when I call
I want to see him walk in the back door again now
hollering that he's home and what's there to eat
I want you to turn back the clock now God
and then for You I'll be back on my knees
But until I can be with Michael
and until I get some justice here
don't talk to me about this better plan for him
I have to have Michael near
We weren't bothering anyone
and we didn't cause anyone trouble or hurt
we need some answers and justice now
because my son lies under the dirt
Just tell me how does a murderer
get set free after serving 5 years
to get out and do it all over again
and cause so many tears
And how can this man still be free
when our hearts are so on fire
we can't find a way to escape the pain
we're being tortured hour after hour
How can I hold my little Dan
and tell him it's going to be alright
when he saw the murderer drive past our road
just the other night
How am I supposed to help my husband
who now lives in a graveyard near town
just how much longer do we have to wait
there's no peace in our hearts anywhere around
So yes I'm feeling very defiant
and much out of character for me
but I feel I have every right to feel this way
because none of these things should have to be
Michael was an organ donar
but how terrible there was nothing of him left to give
how violent a death there ever was
he should have been allowed to live
They said I could never have children
but one day there you were
the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen
so perfect to join this world
You were so very funny
right there from the start
I never knew what you would come up with next
but you brought constant laughter to my heart
As you grew you loved to sing and dance
You're quite an entertainer indeed
and then you did the best imitations
I always said you should perform on tv
And as a teen you became so restless
struggling to become a man
it happened so fast in front of my eyes
like playing catch me if you can
The days came that you wanted more freedom
to come and go as you pleased
you turned 18 in a blink of the eye
and some of your childhood ceased
Then came the license and your first car
that made me so very concerned
every time you drove away from home
I'd pray to God for your safe return
I'd wait by the window and look for your headlights
why are you being so late
I feared there was an accident every day
but it was only another hot date
I'd beg you each day to be sure not to speed
a race car driver you were
speed on the track where you are supposed to
not on the roads over here
"I'll be ok, I'm a good careful driver"
he would always say to me
"But you have to watch out for the other guy" I'd respond
"Don't worry I'm as careful as can be"
I was certain there would be an accident someday
and I was happy each time the car broke down
because I knew I'd have you longer that way
although I hated to see you frown
So we went to town on Friday morning
to buy you more parts for that car
I hated to see how sad that you were
that it was breaking down hour after hour
Then we stopped so you could apply for some jobs
and had our favorite Subways for lunch
on our way home we had a heart to heart talk
and let some of our secret thoughts come out in a bunch
We made some plans for a 4th of July party
a big bash it would be for your friends
a night of pool splashing and fireworks
and music all night long till it ends
I promised not to drown your girlfriend
And finally leave the two of you alone
Since now you had your diploma
This relationship I’d now condone
You were so grateful to me for these things
you said "mom sometimes you just rock"
we spent this last day having so many laughs
and dancing in the mud without our shoes wearing only socks
We were building a fence and making a mess out of it
You were hot and so sweaty and tired too
You tried so hard to get it right
But I said let's give it up till later when it gets cool
Then you worked on some engines in the garage
trying to get your little chopper to run
You were amazed that you were so smart
that no one could fix it, you were the only one
And I never saw you anymore after that
I didn't even know you drove it away
I thought this whole time you were still in the garage
and for the rest there's not a lot of words left to say
Just know I am searching for you
calling and now screaming your name
I am so scared that something is wrong
and you are in some kind of pain
A chopper has landed in a field
and everyone is rushing around
daddy is covered in so much blood
what on earth is going down
I know there's many flashing lights
and atleast 10 neighbors are holding me back
I only remember fighting them to let me go to you
and I don't know what happened after that
My darling I know I've made some big mistakes with you
and some were way out of line
but please give me another chance with you
to right my wrongs and make things fine
Please just know that it's ok that you're late
but it's time to come home to me now
I hope you aren't mad at me for something I did
because I'll make it all better somehow
Get a message to me today
I am begging that of you
Send me a sign in any form
and make that message come through
Love,
Mommy
**********************************************************************
Where are you my Michael tonite?
It's so dark outside but the stars are bright.
Please come home and dance with me again,
and let me laugh at your mischievous grin.
Come bouncing out into the living room,
in your crazy boxers dancing with the music that shakes the house and goes boom
Tie up the phone all day while laying back in the chair,
eat the whole pizza yourself again I don’t care.
Our fence we started is surely not straight,
the whole thing is sagging and so is the gate,
I don't care, we'll make it right,
but Son, you have to come home to me tonite.
I know you left your room in a mess,
It doesn't matter I must confess.
I just need you here to hold and to hug,
and don't worry about the grease on the rug.
Dan needs your help right away,
someone wrecked his 4 wheeler in a terrible way;
Dad said it won't run anymore,
please can you try to fix it some more?
Remember the impersonations you did for me last week?
I doubled over laughing so hard it was so neet;
and the one about the Chinese guy that you did
the stuff you come up with you crazy kid.
And your new comic routine was just so insane
where you did the head bobble I laughed till I was in pain;
and you kept doing it over and over you'd say,
my stomach was hurting from laughing from it all day.
You have to make all your friends laugh and be such a clown,
but why were so many kids crying today in town?
I'm not sure where you've gone, or why you're so late,
but I'm so very worried there's been some terrible mistake.
So please when you get this, just know I'm not mad,
but I must tell you something is very wrong with dad,
So just hurry on home soon as you can,
I am waiting to dance and laugh with you again.
Love,
Mommy
*******************************************************************
Lord I must have a word with You
and I know that You know me well
I don't mince words with You at all
and there's plenty I want to tell
I know I've been quite a work in progress
and I know I've messed up so many things
but haven't I tried real hard to honor You
and revered You as my king?
Lord I know that You don't make mistakes
but something here's gone very wrong
Michael was not here with me today
to dance or sing his favorite songs
You know my boy has struggled in life
in so many different ways
he finally found himself on the right road
and we were having so many happy days
Michael had so much to live for
and so much left to give
his future was looking so bright ahead
and we all needed him to live
He wasn't doing anything wrong
he never hurt anyone at all
he suffered inhumanely in such a cruel way
didn't You hear me call?
I screamed for You to help us
I begged for You to make it all cease
I cried for You to intervene
and let us return to live in peace
You have a whole army of angels
and why couldn't You spare us just one
an angel of mercy to hold my boy's body together
and angel to help save my son
You do not need my Michael
Lord please give me back my son
we have so many things left to do
we were having so much fun
Take the other person
and do with him what You will
punish him the way you are punishing us now
and make this earth stand still
He's a very bad person
and this is something that You know
he has hurt many and murdered once before
where did the justice in this world go?
How can a person like this even exist
and be allowed to walk around free
what is wrong with this earthy law
when he's loose on a technicality?
I'm sorry that I want vengeance now
and it is supposed to be only Yours
but I am only a human mother
looking for some kind of cure
There is nothing left of my family
my husband lays by a cold grave
my little boy Dan can't hardly speak
and there's nothing left of us to save
Lord, please give us back our yesterday
when things were going so good
stop the world and turn back time
there must be a way that You could
You can make miracles happen
I need one to happen today
Fix this pain inside I have
and take all this bad away
Lord let me wake up in the morning
with Michael standing over my bed
let me see and hear him again
or just take me with You instead
But let Michael have his life back
right here right now on earth
it wasn't all that long ago
that we rejoiced at his birth
I cannot find peace without Michael
while a terrible murderer runs free
please find a way to help us all Lord
and please find a way to help me.
********************************************************************
Mom I hope you aren't mad at me
because I got that mini chopper to run
I just had to try it out a little bit
I was having so much fun
I remember we were working on the fence
and you told me to go take a break
Instead I went back to the garage to work
but I didn't know it would be a fatal mistake
And after a while I finally got it going
I was so proud of myself
No one's been able to fix it for years
but I did with old parts from the garage shelf
I drove it down the road just a ways
to see how it would handle for me
I know what happened after that
I couldn't talk but I could hear and see
Mom I really wanted to stay
I did my best to try
I hung on as long as possible
and oh how I could hear you cry
I can see you mom in a very bad way
I expected that from you
Your tears are streaming like a river all the time
but there's nothing more that I can do
You have to remember our last days together
and my new comic routine
I made you laugh so much those days
but now I only hear you scream
Mom you've got to find some peace
and look after Dan for me please
I know he won't talk too much about this
and don't let him take my car keys
Be sure that you keep him off the road
as long as you possibly can
it's like you always said to us
we drive ok but also look out for the other man
I'm going to be coming around you
in many different ways
look for signs that I'll leave for you
every single day
I know that's not going to be enough for you mom
but right now it's the best I can do
I know you want to touch my face
and have plenty of hugs left for me too
Use those hugs to wrap around Dan
and tell him they are from me
and if you really want to plant that garden we spoke of
start with a willow tree
Then plant some flowers around it
and I'll help sprinkle them with some of my own tears
they'll grow this time I promise you mom
and they'll remind you of me through the years
***************************************************************************
Mom I'm so sorry I had no choice
I tried to come back two times they said
but my heart wouldn't jump start any more
and before I knew it I was dead
There was a light that was pulling me up
as I left my body behind
I seem to have floated with Angels
and they were so very kind
But I kept looking down at you below
and it was awful what I had seen
the road looked bad and dad was a mess
but I felt so very serene
I asked the Angels to let me come back
I told them you'd want me back home
but they said that God was waiting for me
and that I wasn't really leaving you alone
I asked them so many questions
and wanted to know about Dad
I was worried that I was in big trouble with him
you know when I leave tools out he gets mad
I wanted to know about my little brother
and who's going to watch out for my Dan
but the Angels assured me that it all will be right
and he would grow into a fine man
But what about you now mom
you're always such a rock for us all
you seem to be crumbling into pieces
and now you have begun to fall
That's not like you at all mom
and I know you've said you're tired of being strong
so why not think of how I made you laugh
when I'd come into the living room singing my silly songs
I have touched the face of God
and it is so wonderful here
He has no locks on anything
and he allows me to come to you to be near
I'm trying to send you so many signs
but you have to look carefully for them
I'm in your room and all over the house
so we are really together again
I've not gone out of your life mom
you just cannot see me like before
I'm every where you are every day
just make your mind an open door
I was in the barn with you this morning
I was watching you're every move
I see your face and surround you in love
I'm giving you hugs to soothe
I know you are crying at our fence
the last thing we did together
it's such a crooked mess yes it is
but don't worry dad will fix it up better
I see you have put a cross up in the barn
and hung up the little bell I gave you among your other things
and you are sitting in there praying for me all day long
it's like your special church with my bell that rings
If it were you, you'd say to me
come on let's pull it together for Dad and for Dan
so now I'm saying this to you
You can get through this because right now I'm holding your hand
********************************************************************
Michael can you ever forgive me
for being so hard on you
for making you study and stay up at late night
to practice those tests you had to do
Michael can you ever forgive me
for riding you so hard about school
I know books were not your thing
when you'd rather be working with tools
Michael can you ever forgive me
for all the times you were unjustly blamed around here
for things that you weren't really responsible for
I didn't know at the time my sweet dear
Michael can you ever forgive me
for saying no to you time after time
I was too hard and too strict with you
I should have been more lenient and kind
Michael can you ever forgive me
for not giving you the money to fix up your car
I thought it best that you work to pay for it yourself
to teach you responsibilities that would take you far
Michael can you ever forgive me
for not being the perfect mom to you
I wish I had another chance to be better
and I'd do more to help you through
Michael can you ever forgive me
for pushing you to your limits
I wanted so much to help you become a good man
but now there's no way for me to fix it
Michael can you ever forgive me
for grounding you so many times
when you messed up so badly
when you just would not mind
Michael can you ever forgive me
for making you get off the phone
when you tied it up all day and all night
and when I got mad when you were late coming home
Michael can you ever forgive me
for throwing some of your friends out of here
I know I misjudged some of them
I thought they were drinking some beer
Michael can you ever forgive me
I now found out that you told me the truth all along
I am so sorry for anything I did
I am so sorry for whatever I did wrong
**************************************************************
I can't live without my son
it all just hurts so bad
I'm so tired of crying now
I am vicious and mad
I feel like I'm being tortured with swords
and being stabbed over and over again
just like my son suffered in the ditch
for way too long until the end
I can't live a life like this
torn apart like this every day
nothing will ever be the same
with my son so far away
What a great kid that's gone from this world
his space in life has gone
no more silly dancing
he won't sing any more outrageous songs
This boy loved to play with babies
and pets of every kind in the world
he wanted ten kids of his own someday
he said 5 boys and 5 little girls
And he wanted to build his own big house
and be such a big success
but now with him gone there's nothing left for him
just us left in one great big mess
There is such a hole in my heart
there's no way for it to mend
our whole family is drifting away
this has all got to end
My family is miles apart now
we're acting like we're strangers
I'm scared to let Dan out of my sight
and scared of all the world's dangers
It's not like us to act so badly
although we weren't perfect from the start
none of us will ever find happiness again
our world has exploded apart
I'm not sure what we did to deserve all this
I keep going over and over it my mind
what did we do that was so wrong
and why is my God so unkind
I guess we'll never know the answers
atleast while we're here on this earth
so I hope God reaches down and grabs me up soon
and gives me my new re-birth
Because I don't want to stay here anymore
not without my son not like this
there won't be anymore joy in this house
because it's Michael that we all terribly miss
*********************************************************************
Do not tell me he's in a better place now
Don't dare tell me God had a better plan
I don't want to hear this stuff anymore
because Michael belonged on this land
Those are just words that people say
in hopes that will make you will feel better
well I don't feel better about anything
not until my son and I are together
Everything I had believed in
and all the commandments I tried to uphold
just where did all that devotion that get me
and yes I am angry and bold
my son went through something so horrifiying
and no child should ever have to suffer
where are the words to justify that
no child should never be ripped from his mother
God did not need my son like we did
He did not make him an Angel with wings
My son is not flying around through the heaven's
he's in a cold grave where I can't hear him sing
Yes I am very mad right now
Yes I am loosing my faith
What do you expect from me now
I can't hold or see my son's face
If there still is a God up there
and if He is still King above all
return my son to my life in my arms
and let him answer me when I call
I want to see him walk in the back door again now
hollering that he's home and what's there to eat
I want you to turn back the clock now God
and then for You I'll be back on my knees
But until I can be with Michael
and until I get some justice here
don't talk to me about this better plan for him
I have to have Michael near
We weren't bothering anyone
and we didn't cause anyone trouble or hurt
we need some answers and justice now
because my son lies under the dirt
Just tell me how does a murderer
get set free after serving 5 years
to get out and do it all over again
and cause so many tears
And how can this man still be free
when our hearts are so on fire
we can't find a way to escape the pain
we're being tortured hour after hour
How can I hold my little Dan
and tell him it's going to be alright
when he saw the murderer drive past our road
just the other night
How am I supposed to help my husband
who now lives in a graveyard near town
just how much longer do we have to wait
there's no peace in our hearts anywhere around
So yes I'm feeling very defiant
and much out of character for me
but I feel I have every right to feel this way
because none of these things should have to be
Michael was an organ donar
but how terrible there was nothing of him left to give
how violent a death there ever was
he should have been allowed to live