Jerry took Dan and I for our "Oh Christmas Tree" on Saturday morning. This is the first time Jerry has gone with us in years and there's a reason for that.
Jerry has terrible taste in Christmas trees so in the past, the boys and I were always happy to go on our annual tree jaunt without daddy. This year, he says he is coming. Joy. Dan and I got worried.......
There was cause for concern.
True to form, Jerry made his first mistake within 30 seconds of being on the tree lot. He heads right to the 5 foot tree area. Wrong, wrong, wrong. We don't want a little tree. We want a big tree. Bigger is better. Bigger gets more lights and more ornaments.
So Jerry zeros in on a little short fat scrubby tree. It was extra sappy (yuk)
and had long needles that pricked (double yuk) and he insisted it was the best tree
in the place. Looked like some kind of a bush to me that needed bug spray and could make good stall bedding when shredded. So I said "We never get that kind of tree" "We don't like that kind of tree."
So Dan and I went on to locate a real "Oh Christmas Tree" specimin. We looked and looked and looked through every large tree that had and then suddenly, there it was. We picked out the biggest tree we
could find. A Frasier Fir. Oh boy. Oh joy. Our favorite. It was in the 9 to 11 foot bin. A big tree! Tall and majestic. Now this was a grand Christmas tree. This was this years official "Oh Christmas Tree." We chose that tree.
Jerry is dumbfounded.
He begins to present his case;
His tree makes sense. It is nice and full is going to fit great especially since we have low 7' high
ceilings. "And why am I going to pay for all this extra height that we are only going to trim off." Then we present our case: by the time that little pitiful sappy bush that he is
holding gets trimmed up off the bottom to fit in the tree stand, it's going to
be lucky to hit 4 1/2 feet and look stupid and way too squatty.
Off we go with the biggest tree.
We did it. Our official "Oh Christmas Tree" is in the back of the truck. YIPPEE!
We arrive home and Jerry leaves for a Church meeting and leaves Dan and I to take care of "Oh Christmas Tree". Dan begins to chop away at it with the chain
saw. Kid just loves his power tools. Hack, hack, hack. Branches dropping off. I
begin to get worried, ummmmmm "Hey Dan?" but Dan says he has it under control. Ok.
So he puts it in the stand in the living room and it's still way too tall.
Out it goes.
Hack, hack, hack.
Back in it comes.
Still too tall.
Back out.
Hack.
Back in.
Ok good, just leave it.
Except not so good.
The top is still scraping the ceiling. Dan
says, "just by a little bit".......so in it stays.
Now Dan and I are looking for the bad side to place in the back
where it won't show. Hmmmm.......seems we have two bad sides. We
have to pick one. Ok. We twirl it around a few hundred times and the
only good side has a huge gaping hole in it.
Oh Oh.
I thought we
checked all this out at the tree lot.
Guess not.
We were too busy arguing for the biggest tree.
Oops.
So I tell Dan not to worry that
we can be very crafty in our decorations and cover up a multitude of
sins by applying the garland and large ornaments to fill up the gaping
hole. Now we get the lights on. The ornaments, garland, and tinsel follow. We
manged to fill up the gaping hole. Great. Just one problem. The star
won't fit on the top because it's scrapping the ceiling and making the star lay over sideways.
Oh brother. So instead of Dan
cutting the top branch in the middle, he wires the star to the side
of it. Oh good heavens. "Dan! What are you doing?"
But we're tired and we say oh who cares and
leave it. We apply the tree skirt and we're good to go. "Oh Christmas Tree" is fully decorated. YAY!
I water the tree and go wash dishes. Finish the dishes and go in the living
room to discover a flood gushing from the tree stand and flowing under my
piano. Guess I over did the watering. Had to move the piano. Took three large bath towels to sop up the mess. Crap. I need to fix this before Jerry gets home.
Oh drat, here he comes.
I need this! ugh!
So here comes Jerry home from Church, takes
one look and announces the tree is scraping the ceiling, it's crooked and leaning to one
side and he can see a very large gaping hole in the middle of it and wants to know what is going on with the star. Geesh! Can he find anything right with "Oh Christmas Tree?" Apparently not. I tell him he's being very critical. I tell him we like it like that. Where's Dan? Dan, back me up here! WE like it a lot, right?
We are all very tired. We go to bed.
THREE THRITY in the morning I hear a big noise. I just know that something is wrong with Tracey but as I get up, I see she is laying by my bed on the floor in her bed so then it must be something wrong with Devin our bad doggy. I figured he has been dreaming of dog treats from Santa and has fallen out of dad's recliner again. (He does that a lot). Such a dopey dog. He has these dreams and just flops out of the chair. Anyhow, I go out in the living room and there he is in the chair looking at me like "what?" OK. He’s fine. I pet him nighty night and proceed through the living room to the kitchen for a drink of water, and go back to bed. Forget about the big noise. Must have dreamt it.
The next morning we awake to find that the tree fell over. "Oh Christmas Tree" is laying all over the living room. What a mess! Ornaments broken all over the floor. Garland, lights, tinsel, water, everywhere. OH HUMBUG! Jerry says the screws were not screwed into the trunk tight enough. Dan says he didn't want to hurt the tree too much by screwing them in tighter? Yup. That's what he said. Sigh. Daniel! What were you thinking? Yup, that's what the noise was I heard. "Oh Christmas Tree" had hit the floor and took down "Oh Stupid Ugly Eyesore Lamp" with it. And then I wondered how in the world I managed to come out in the living room, pet the dog, get a drink of water, go back through the living room to the bedroom and never notice Tree-Zilla laying over on the floor. Don't know, but I did. Sometimes I never cease to amaze myself. I'm clever.
So that evening, "Oh Christmas Tree" was re-decorated. Oh what fun that was. (That's meant to be sarcastic). It was a great big pain in the arse. There was Dan and I just shoving the stuff back on it haphazardly. It is screwed tightly in the stand, still scraping the ceiling, with the star wired to the side of the tallest branch in the middle, with the gaping hole that now everyone has noticed. "Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree, You are a great big pain in the arse"...........Next year, we'll just send Jerry.
The End
Jerry has terrible taste in Christmas trees so in the past, the boys and I were always happy to go on our annual tree jaunt without daddy. This year, he says he is coming. Joy. Dan and I got worried.......
There was cause for concern.
True to form, Jerry made his first mistake within 30 seconds of being on the tree lot. He heads right to the 5 foot tree area. Wrong, wrong, wrong. We don't want a little tree. We want a big tree. Bigger is better. Bigger gets more lights and more ornaments.
So Jerry zeros in on a little short fat scrubby tree. It was extra sappy (yuk)
and had long needles that pricked (double yuk) and he insisted it was the best tree
in the place. Looked like some kind of a bush to me that needed bug spray and could make good stall bedding when shredded. So I said "We never get that kind of tree" "We don't like that kind of tree."
So Dan and I went on to locate a real "Oh Christmas Tree" specimin. We looked and looked and looked through every large tree that had and then suddenly, there it was. We picked out the biggest tree we
could find. A Frasier Fir. Oh boy. Oh joy. Our favorite. It was in the 9 to 11 foot bin. A big tree! Tall and majestic. Now this was a grand Christmas tree. This was this years official "Oh Christmas Tree." We chose that tree.
Jerry is dumbfounded.
He begins to present his case;
His tree makes sense. It is nice and full is going to fit great especially since we have low 7' high
ceilings. "And why am I going to pay for all this extra height that we are only going to trim off." Then we present our case: by the time that little pitiful sappy bush that he is
holding gets trimmed up off the bottom to fit in the tree stand, it's going to
be lucky to hit 4 1/2 feet and look stupid and way too squatty.
Off we go with the biggest tree.
We did it. Our official "Oh Christmas Tree" is in the back of the truck. YIPPEE!
We arrive home and Jerry leaves for a Church meeting and leaves Dan and I to take care of "Oh Christmas Tree". Dan begins to chop away at it with the chain
saw. Kid just loves his power tools. Hack, hack, hack. Branches dropping off. I
begin to get worried, ummmmmm "Hey Dan?" but Dan says he has it under control. Ok.
So he puts it in the stand in the living room and it's still way too tall.
Out it goes.
Hack, hack, hack.
Back in it comes.
Still too tall.
Back out.
Hack.
Back in.
Ok good, just leave it.
Except not so good.
The top is still scraping the ceiling. Dan
says, "just by a little bit".......so in it stays.
Now Dan and I are looking for the bad side to place in the back
where it won't show. Hmmmm.......seems we have two bad sides. We
have to pick one. Ok. We twirl it around a few hundred times and the
only good side has a huge gaping hole in it.
Oh Oh.
I thought we
checked all this out at the tree lot.
Guess not.
We were too busy arguing for the biggest tree.
Oops.
So I tell Dan not to worry that
we can be very crafty in our decorations and cover up a multitude of
sins by applying the garland and large ornaments to fill up the gaping
hole. Now we get the lights on. The ornaments, garland, and tinsel follow. We
manged to fill up the gaping hole. Great. Just one problem. The star
won't fit on the top because it's scrapping the ceiling and making the star lay over sideways.
Oh brother. So instead of Dan
cutting the top branch in the middle, he wires the star to the side
of it. Oh good heavens. "Dan! What are you doing?"
But we're tired and we say oh who cares and
leave it. We apply the tree skirt and we're good to go. "Oh Christmas Tree" is fully decorated. YAY!
I water the tree and go wash dishes. Finish the dishes and go in the living
room to discover a flood gushing from the tree stand and flowing under my
piano. Guess I over did the watering. Had to move the piano. Took three large bath towels to sop up the mess. Crap. I need to fix this before Jerry gets home.
Oh drat, here he comes.
I need this! ugh!
So here comes Jerry home from Church, takes
one look and announces the tree is scraping the ceiling, it's crooked and leaning to one
side and he can see a very large gaping hole in the middle of it and wants to know what is going on with the star. Geesh! Can he find anything right with "Oh Christmas Tree?" Apparently not. I tell him he's being very critical. I tell him we like it like that. Where's Dan? Dan, back me up here! WE like it a lot, right?
We are all very tired. We go to bed.
THREE THRITY in the morning I hear a big noise. I just know that something is wrong with Tracey but as I get up, I see she is laying by my bed on the floor in her bed so then it must be something wrong with Devin our bad doggy. I figured he has been dreaming of dog treats from Santa and has fallen out of dad's recliner again. (He does that a lot). Such a dopey dog. He has these dreams and just flops out of the chair. Anyhow, I go out in the living room and there he is in the chair looking at me like "what?" OK. He’s fine. I pet him nighty night and proceed through the living room to the kitchen for a drink of water, and go back to bed. Forget about the big noise. Must have dreamt it.
The next morning we awake to find that the tree fell over. "Oh Christmas Tree" is laying all over the living room. What a mess! Ornaments broken all over the floor. Garland, lights, tinsel, water, everywhere. OH HUMBUG! Jerry says the screws were not screwed into the trunk tight enough. Dan says he didn't want to hurt the tree too much by screwing them in tighter? Yup. That's what he said. Sigh. Daniel! What were you thinking? Yup, that's what the noise was I heard. "Oh Christmas Tree" had hit the floor and took down "Oh Stupid Ugly Eyesore Lamp" with it. And then I wondered how in the world I managed to come out in the living room, pet the dog, get a drink of water, go back through the living room to the bedroom and never notice Tree-Zilla laying over on the floor. Don't know, but I did. Sometimes I never cease to amaze myself. I'm clever.
So that evening, "Oh Christmas Tree" was re-decorated. Oh what fun that was. (That's meant to be sarcastic). It was a great big pain in the arse. There was Dan and I just shoving the stuff back on it haphazardly. It is screwed tightly in the stand, still scraping the ceiling, with the star wired to the side of the tallest branch in the middle, with the gaping hole that now everyone has noticed. "Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree, You are a great big pain in the arse"...........Next year, we'll just send Jerry.
The End
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