It’s incomprehensible that Michael has been gone this time for five years. Sometimes I feel like its been 50 years, yet other times it feels like he’s only been gone a few days. When I’m awake I daydream about him and when I go to bed at night, I hope for a long dream about him so I can wake up with a smile. Sometimes I feel like he was only a dream that I made up in my head and the rest is a nightmare that never really happened. I miss him so much.
There’s no just picking yourself up and moving forward quickly, it’s a slow process. I remain hateful towards Michael’s killer although I try to keep that part of me in check and I do not let it control me. I will never forgive him and that is my right. Drunks and drug addicts who get behind the wheel of a car should not have any rights as far as I’m concerned.
I do various volunteer work with a few organizations and ironically I find I am also am in the “ child death” business of all things. I volunteer my time with people who lose their children in my surrounding counties, especially in a violent way. I furnish appropriate literature, general information, links of interest, list of counselors, some candles, poetry, angel pins if I have them, and try to prepare them for visits by the authorities and media. I make every attempt to eliminate some of the shock factor that comes with it. The media likes to make a sensational circus when there has been a tragedy. It’s ironic that I can help someone else, when I’m still a work in progress. I know this sounds morbid but its what I feel needs to be done. Three days ago a young mother who practically grew up in my back yard with the rest of the neighborhood kids lost her toddler in an accidental drowning. This is the first time I’ve worked with someone I know and it’s especially heart wrenching. Dan showed up to help me on this one thank goodness since they are close and he’s also a friend of the baby’s father too.
I have meltdowns that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It actually hurts physically. There are times I need to torture myself so I get out the photo albums and videos of when we were a normal crazy family doing normal and crazy things and watch them until my eyes sting from tears. Then I get up and carry on again until the next time. I think if anyone reading this has struggles, you might try to find an outlet by finding a hobby or doing volunteer work. Although I feel there is something perfectly acceptable about wallowing in self pity from time to time, for me, the pain is not so intense when I stay very busy.
My husband thinks it is best for us if we relocate for a lot of reasons but one is because we have to drive past the place where Michael was killed daily, its right by my house which causes constant upset. Every time an ambulance goes down this road or a helicopter is overhead my husband goes into a tail spin thinking Dan’s been in a wreck. We also put our other 15 acres up for sale in the valley which happens to be on the same road, just a ¼ mile, as the cemetery and I don’t want to live near there either. I know it sounds like we're all gloom and doom but we're not. We share smiles and give ourselves permission to crack a joke and have fun like anyone else and go about our normal daily routine.We just carry a heavier burden than most.
Leaving this on a better note, this seems like a good time to share my really good news: Dan got engaged on Valentine’s Day. There was supposed to be a very long engagement because she wanted to get through the Police Academy to be a Swat Team cop like her father. BUTT!!!!!! We all just found out she is pregnant! I’M GOING TO BE A GRANDMOTHER in January!!!!!!!!! I’m over the top excited as you can imagine. I’m going to be the best overbearing pain in the butt grandmother ever and teach that baby how to hang Christmas lights before he or she can talk! Thank you to everyone again that has been so supportive of my family over these past five years.
Much love to all.
This was taken about 3 hours before Michael was killed
Dan and Ashley
There’s no just picking yourself up and moving forward quickly, it’s a slow process. I remain hateful towards Michael’s killer although I try to keep that part of me in check and I do not let it control me. I will never forgive him and that is my right. Drunks and drug addicts who get behind the wheel of a car should not have any rights as far as I’m concerned.
I do various volunteer work with a few organizations and ironically I find I am also am in the “ child death” business of all things. I volunteer my time with people who lose their children in my surrounding counties, especially in a violent way. I furnish appropriate literature, general information, links of interest, list of counselors, some candles, poetry, angel pins if I have them, and try to prepare them for visits by the authorities and media. I make every attempt to eliminate some of the shock factor that comes with it. The media likes to make a sensational circus when there has been a tragedy. It’s ironic that I can help someone else, when I’m still a work in progress. I know this sounds morbid but its what I feel needs to be done. Three days ago a young mother who practically grew up in my back yard with the rest of the neighborhood kids lost her toddler in an accidental drowning. This is the first time I’ve worked with someone I know and it’s especially heart wrenching. Dan showed up to help me on this one thank goodness since they are close and he’s also a friend of the baby’s father too.
I have meltdowns that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It actually hurts physically. There are times I need to torture myself so I get out the photo albums and videos of when we were a normal crazy family doing normal and crazy things and watch them until my eyes sting from tears. Then I get up and carry on again until the next time. I think if anyone reading this has struggles, you might try to find an outlet by finding a hobby or doing volunteer work. Although I feel there is something perfectly acceptable about wallowing in self pity from time to time, for me, the pain is not so intense when I stay very busy.
My husband thinks it is best for us if we relocate for a lot of reasons but one is because we have to drive past the place where Michael was killed daily, its right by my house which causes constant upset. Every time an ambulance goes down this road or a helicopter is overhead my husband goes into a tail spin thinking Dan’s been in a wreck. We also put our other 15 acres up for sale in the valley which happens to be on the same road, just a ¼ mile, as the cemetery and I don’t want to live near there either. I know it sounds like we're all gloom and doom but we're not. We share smiles and give ourselves permission to crack a joke and have fun like anyone else and go about our normal daily routine.We just carry a heavier burden than most.
Leaving this on a better note, this seems like a good time to share my really good news: Dan got engaged on Valentine’s Day. There was supposed to be a very long engagement because she wanted to get through the Police Academy to be a Swat Team cop like her father. BUTT!!!!!! We all just found out she is pregnant! I’M GOING TO BE A GRANDMOTHER in January!!!!!!!!! I’m over the top excited as you can imagine. I’m going to be the best overbearing pain in the butt grandmother ever and teach that baby how to hang Christmas lights before he or she can talk! Thank you to everyone again that has been so supportive of my family over these past five years.
Much love to all.
This was taken about 3 hours before Michael was killed
Dan and Ashley
