Michael & our family update

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Marty

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Its six years now since my Michael left me. The animal who did this served his time for killing my son and continues enjoying his life as a free man; but not for long. There’s another warrant out of his arrest for multiple assault charges. I really don’t keep tabs on him but there are a lot of people who do, and they tell me. I really wish they wouldn’t but subsequently I happen to know exactly where he’s hiding himself. I don’t care. It’s not my job to police his whereabouts so eventually he’ll make it back to prison without any help from me. I cannot waste my time thinking of that piece of trash and I don’t. I like to think I’ve taken control of my life back and moved forward the best I can.

I don’t let my mind play tricks on me anymore and I stopped waiting for Michael to come home. I realized that every breeze on a still summer day or every flicker from a lamp is not a sign from my son. It is what it is. My nightmares are to a minimum now and instead, Michael shows up in my dreams quite often. Even though it’s just a dream, they are always so great and so very realistic. I still have meltdowns that come out of no where with no warning. It usually happens in a store when I see something that triggers it: a child, a certain item the boys liked, school supplies, things like that makes me have to leave my cart and rush out of the store to my truck. Sometimes it’s just hearing a siren or seeing something on TV. I never know when or where but I’m trying to get a handle on it and I will. I also got back some of my memory that I lost during that time but I wish I didn’t. There’s people a lot worse situations than me so I’m not complaining. You have to take the good with the bad in everything and keep moving forward.

There were plans made last year for us to pack up and move to our other farmland in the valley but I really didn’t want to leave here and have to start all over again. For a little while I thought getting away from here would be good for us but changing scenery is not going to change what happened in the past. Then there’s the work: Fencing over 15 acres, septic, laying pipes, barn building, and either building a house or buying a mobile home was just too much to take on. I’m comfortable with my house on the mountain, love my community, have lots of friends here, and I want to stay put. We listed our property for sale in March and it sold in May.

Dan’s business is usually booming. He bought Ashley a SUV Tracker for Mother’s Day that she badly needed. It’s used but in very good shape. My granddaughter Lexis Clair is now 6 months old and has been a blessing to our family. She finally stopped screaming every time she saw me and now she laughs for me all the time. You can imagine how much joy I feel being a grandmother. Ashley is the most wonderful girl in the world and I could not have hand picked a better girl for my son or mother for my grandchild. She is working towards becoming a Swat Team cop like her daddy someday. No one likes that idea. Still no sign of wedding bells though. They have a really adorable place in the woods at the foothills in town with lots of privacy off the beaten path just perfect for them. All this responsibility on Dan’s shoulders at such a young age has smacked him upside the head but it’s the best thing that could have happened to him and he’s not complaining. It has given him some direction that I couldn’t. He’s been reduced to mush since he’s become a daddy. The badaxx redneck thing just doesn’t work for him anymore which I think is funny. He showed up here the other day wearing shorts with a Hawaiian flower design on them which is totally out of character. I tried not to stare but I was cracking up inside. He has the most beautiful smile when he looks at his precious little girl. We all have so much more in life to look forward to now.

Mr. Retirement had to find something to do with himself because he’s miserable without getting up early and going to work and quite honestly, he was under foot. . He sold most of his junk he had stored in the garage and cleaned it all out to open up a small engine repair shop. He’s been fixing lawn mowers, go kart engines, boat engines; you name it; whatever people bring him. He loves it. He always has a million projects going at once and never seems to complete any of them but he is in his glory working himself to pieces. He keeps talking about putting on an addition to this house which terrifies me since it has taken him 3 years to complete our bathroom remodel. He says he plans on bulldozing the entire kitchen and utility room right off the house and lift the ceilings and I’m mortified at the thought.

I’m usually busy card crafting. I never meant this to become a job but it kinda is. I only sold Christmas cards in the past but now I am making them for ever occasion. I’ve established a nice little clientele and I’m really enjoying it. I just finished up a bunch of foal announcement cards for a farm and I’m already getting started on Halloween cards. I stay busy with the horses of course and I’m usually up to my eyeballs in dog and horse rescue. I laid off the community service for a while but I’ll get back to that before the holidays I’m sure. I work with a lot of other moms that lost their kids but sometimes it takes its toll and I have to take a step back for a while and then continue when I feel I can. There’s so much more I want to do but sometimes I have to take some “me” time every now and then.

I cut down on spending and I got into couponing a little bit. My friends are pros at it and they’ve been teaching me the ropes and that’s fun when we meet to clip away to save money. My first time out I brought home 32 thingies of Secret Deodorant for a total of $2.50 and I was pretty proud of myself: quite embarrassing at the check out lane but I’ll be stink free for a while. I’m into saving electricity, gas, and recycling more than ever. I limit my computer time to no more than 30 minutes a day. Incredible what you can save and accomplish when you turn your PC and TV off. I regret I didn’t do a vegetable garden this year but I did get my Halloween Pumpkin Patch in. Hope they grow this time.

I’m still basically the same old doormat I’ve always been but just to a point now. Its not all that easy to walk all over me anymore. I stand up and protest every now and then but only if I feel I really need to. When I see people argue over the most mundane things it really gets to me that they don’t realize how short life is and how much time they are wasting on stupid junk. If everyone just understood how they can be wiped out in an instant and learned to live each day like it was their last they could be much more happy. So all in all life is good and it seems to be getting better. Time did not make things hurt less and healed nothing. The wounds are deep and the scars are there and of course there are tears that flow like a river and that’s ok. Learning to cope with the life I’ve been handed is a challenge; but when I learned to accept it, and gave myself permission to be happy, that’s when I became more content. Be happy. Love one another, and find your own place of peace in your life.

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ozymandias

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Marty, you have the most incredible way of expressing yourself in words. When you get fed up making cards you could have a future in writing.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom and life and loss.

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Hosscrazy

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I can't believe it's been 6 years...I'll never forget when you originally posted... I'm sorry :< :<

Liz N.
 

anoki

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Marty, I love your posts!!! Soo good to hear that everything is going well with ALL of you!

I can't believe it's been 6 years either....
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((((HUGS))))

~kathryn
 

vickie gee

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Marty,

It is good to read your posts and know that you are in acceptance. You have such a way with words. I am glad you are enjoying watching Dan be a family man. Though grief and pain remain and healing does not come being a survivor and having an ability to love help to let happy to raise its pretty head.
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I was not a forum member when the tragic event happened in your life but have put together bits and pieces over the past four years that I have been reading on LB. Today I took the time to pull up the original threads and I was able to fill in the missing pieces. Just want to say I admire you in so many ways. {{hugs}}
 

countrymini

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I cannot begin to imagine what you must be feeling, but am glad you are starting to find some peace.

My thoughts are with you and your family.
 

Matt73

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I joined LB six years ago and the next day there was a heart-wrenching post from some "guy" named Marty saying that his son had been killed. I was like, "what kind of forum is this?!". I've come to share in your ups and downs through this great forum...I think of you, Michael, and the rest of your family often.

I can't imagine the pain you've felt...but you are, obviously, very strong....as you've managed to move forward while still keeping your beautiful son's memory alive.

xo
 

RockRiverTiff

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Even in your grief it is clear what an amazing woman you are Marty. Thank you for sharing a little bit of yourself with all of us - that little bit has always made such a big difference on the forum. I hope you will also share this with others that are grieving; I think your honesty will mean far more to them than the usual generic sentiments you hear over and over again. I was so happy to read about Lexis Clair's arrival. The picture of her and her daddy really says it all. Bless you and your little family on the mountain.
 

Miniv

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Marty,

Six years seems like a blink of time, but you and your family have come a long ways. God bless you with the changes, including your wonderful little granddaughter. Michael probably got to hold her before anyone else did.

I know about the "melt downs".....been there. They do get less frequent (both speaking from experience and from friends who have also lost their child.) But, no - mine have never totally gone away, even after a decade.

I don't think Ozy or some others realize that you've published at least 2(?) books.......Have you thought about doing another?
 
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StarRidgeAcres

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Marty, the way you live your life is a great lesson to us all. Hugs to you.
 

jacks'thunder

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Ah Marty, I remember it like it was yesterday.((((((hugs))))))

But I must say that cutie patootie little girl would have me wraped around her tiny, happy little fingers!!!
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What a little doll!
 

LindaL

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Marty...the others have said basically what I would have said. You are such an inspiration for how we should live our lives. I wish Deb and I had the time to have met you on our little road trip we just took (and got lost in Rossville on our way back (don't ask)...lol) . Someday I will give you a hug in person...

Your granddaughter is such a blessing. Dan has grown into a man before all our eyes and you should be so very proud of him.

Thanks for always sharing "you" with us...
 

Sonya

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Thankyou for sharing your life, thoughts, and feelings. You are an inspiration to many.
 

Carolyn R

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Coming from both a daughter and a mom myself, I would be proud to have you as a mom, (((((hugs)))))
 
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HGFarm

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Wow six years now............you have a wonderful outlook on life and what a cute grandbaby.

Whatever punishment is dealt to the creep here on earth is nothing compared to what he will face later, based on the way he lives his life.

If it took 3 years for your bath remodel, DONT let your hubby on the bulldozer unless you want to have to permanently eat out the rest of your life, lol
 

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