Its six years now since my Michael left me. The animal who did this served his time for killing my son and continues enjoying his life as a free man; but not for long. There’s another warrant out of his arrest for multiple assault charges. I really don’t keep tabs on him but there are a lot of people who do, and they tell me. I really wish they wouldn’t but subsequently I happen to know exactly where he’s hiding himself. I don’t care. It’s not my job to police his whereabouts so eventually he’ll make it back to prison without any help from me. I cannot waste my time thinking of that piece of trash and I don’t. I like to think I’ve taken control of my life back and moved forward the best I can.
I don’t let my mind play tricks on me anymore and I stopped waiting for Michael to come home. I realized that every breeze on a still summer day or every flicker from a lamp is not a sign from my son. It is what it is. My nightmares are to a minimum now and instead, Michael shows up in my dreams quite often. Even though it’s just a dream, they are always so great and so very realistic. I still have meltdowns that come out of no where with no warning. It usually happens in a store when I see something that triggers it: a child, a certain item the boys liked, school supplies, things like that makes me have to leave my cart and rush out of the store to my truck. Sometimes it’s just hearing a siren or seeing something on TV. I never know when or where but I’m trying to get a handle on it and I will. I also got back some of my memory that I lost during that time but I wish I didn’t. There’s people a lot worse situations than me so I’m not complaining. You have to take the good with the bad in everything and keep moving forward.
There were plans made last year for us to pack up and move to our other farmland in the valley but I really didn’t want to leave here and have to start all over again. For a little while I thought getting away from here would be good for us but changing scenery is not going to change what happened in the past. Then there’s the work: Fencing over 15 acres, septic, laying pipes, barn building, and either building a house or buying a mobile home was just too much to take on. I’m comfortable with my house on the mountain, love my community, have lots of friends here, and I want to stay put. We listed our property for sale in March and it sold in May.
Dan’s business is usually booming. He bought Ashley a SUV Tracker for Mother’s Day that she badly needed. It’s used but in very good shape. My granddaughter Lexis Clair is now 6 months old and has been a blessing to our family. She finally stopped screaming every time she saw me and now she laughs for me all the time. You can imagine how much joy I feel being a grandmother. Ashley is the most wonderful girl in the world and I could not have hand picked a better girl for my son or mother for my grandchild. She is working towards becoming a Swat Team cop like her daddy someday. No one likes that idea. Still no sign of wedding bells though. They have a really adorable place in the woods at the foothills in town with lots of privacy off the beaten path just perfect for them. All this responsibility on Dan’s shoulders at such a young age has smacked him upside the head but it’s the best thing that could have happened to him and he’s not complaining. It has given him some direction that I couldn’t. He’s been reduced to mush since he’s become a daddy. The badaxx redneck thing just doesn’t work for him anymore which I think is funny. He showed up here the other day wearing shorts with a Hawaiian flower design on them which is totally out of character. I tried not to stare but I was cracking up inside. He has the most beautiful smile when he looks at his precious little girl. We all have so much more in life to look forward to now.
Mr. Retirement had to find something to do with himself because he’s miserable without getting up early and going to work and quite honestly, he was under foot. . He sold most of his junk he had stored in the garage and cleaned it all out to open up a small engine repair shop. He’s been fixing lawn mowers, go kart engines, boat engines; you name it; whatever people bring him. He loves it. He always has a million projects going at once and never seems to complete any of them but he is in his glory working himself to pieces. He keeps talking about putting on an addition to this house which terrifies me since it has taken him 3 years to complete our bathroom remodel. He says he plans on bulldozing the entire kitchen and utility room right off the house and lift the ceilings and I’m mortified at the thought.
I’m usually busy card crafting. I never meant this to become a job but it kinda is. I only sold Christmas cards in the past but now I am making them for ever occasion. I’ve established a nice little clientele and I’m really enjoying it. I just finished up a bunch of foal announcement cards for a farm and I’m already getting started on Halloween cards. I stay busy with the horses of course and I’m usually up to my eyeballs in dog and horse rescue. I laid off the community service for a while but I’ll get back to that before the holidays I’m sure. I work with a lot of other moms that lost their kids but sometimes it takes its toll and I have to take a step back for a while and then continue when I feel I can. There’s so much more I want to do but sometimes I have to take some “me” time every now and then.
I cut down on spending and I got into couponing a little bit. My friends are pros at it and they’ve been teaching me the ropes and that’s fun when we meet to clip away to save money. My first time out I brought home 32 thingies of Secret Deodorant for a total of $2.50 and I was pretty proud of myself: quite embarrassing at the check out lane but I’ll be stink free for a while. I’m into saving electricity, gas, and recycling more than ever. I limit my computer time to no more than 30 minutes a day. Incredible what you can save and accomplish when you turn your PC and TV off. I regret I didn’t do a vegetable garden this year but I did get my Halloween Pumpkin Patch in. Hope they grow this time.
I’m still basically the same old doormat I’ve always been but just to a point now. Its not all that easy to walk all over me anymore. I stand up and protest every now and then but only if I feel I really need to. When I see people argue over the most mundane things it really gets to me that they don’t realize how short life is and how much time they are wasting on stupid junk. If everyone just understood how they can be wiped out in an instant and learned to live each day like it was their last they could be much more happy. So all in all life is good and it seems to be getting better. Time did not make things hurt less and healed nothing. The wounds are deep and the scars are there and of course there are tears that flow like a river and that’s ok. Learning to cope with the life I’ve been handed is a challenge; but when I learned to accept it, and gave myself permission to be happy, that’s when I became more content. Be happy. Love one another, and find your own place of peace in your life.
I don’t let my mind play tricks on me anymore and I stopped waiting for Michael to come home. I realized that every breeze on a still summer day or every flicker from a lamp is not a sign from my son. It is what it is. My nightmares are to a minimum now and instead, Michael shows up in my dreams quite often. Even though it’s just a dream, they are always so great and so very realistic. I still have meltdowns that come out of no where with no warning. It usually happens in a store when I see something that triggers it: a child, a certain item the boys liked, school supplies, things like that makes me have to leave my cart and rush out of the store to my truck. Sometimes it’s just hearing a siren or seeing something on TV. I never know when or where but I’m trying to get a handle on it and I will. I also got back some of my memory that I lost during that time but I wish I didn’t. There’s people a lot worse situations than me so I’m not complaining. You have to take the good with the bad in everything and keep moving forward.
There were plans made last year for us to pack up and move to our other farmland in the valley but I really didn’t want to leave here and have to start all over again. For a little while I thought getting away from here would be good for us but changing scenery is not going to change what happened in the past. Then there’s the work: Fencing over 15 acres, septic, laying pipes, barn building, and either building a house or buying a mobile home was just too much to take on. I’m comfortable with my house on the mountain, love my community, have lots of friends here, and I want to stay put. We listed our property for sale in March and it sold in May.
Dan’s business is usually booming. He bought Ashley a SUV Tracker for Mother’s Day that she badly needed. It’s used but in very good shape. My granddaughter Lexis Clair is now 6 months old and has been a blessing to our family. She finally stopped screaming every time she saw me and now she laughs for me all the time. You can imagine how much joy I feel being a grandmother. Ashley is the most wonderful girl in the world and I could not have hand picked a better girl for my son or mother for my grandchild. She is working towards becoming a Swat Team cop like her daddy someday. No one likes that idea. Still no sign of wedding bells though. They have a really adorable place in the woods at the foothills in town with lots of privacy off the beaten path just perfect for them. All this responsibility on Dan’s shoulders at such a young age has smacked him upside the head but it’s the best thing that could have happened to him and he’s not complaining. It has given him some direction that I couldn’t. He’s been reduced to mush since he’s become a daddy. The badaxx redneck thing just doesn’t work for him anymore which I think is funny. He showed up here the other day wearing shorts with a Hawaiian flower design on them which is totally out of character. I tried not to stare but I was cracking up inside. He has the most beautiful smile when he looks at his precious little girl. We all have so much more in life to look forward to now.
Mr. Retirement had to find something to do with himself because he’s miserable without getting up early and going to work and quite honestly, he was under foot. . He sold most of his junk he had stored in the garage and cleaned it all out to open up a small engine repair shop. He’s been fixing lawn mowers, go kart engines, boat engines; you name it; whatever people bring him. He loves it. He always has a million projects going at once and never seems to complete any of them but he is in his glory working himself to pieces. He keeps talking about putting on an addition to this house which terrifies me since it has taken him 3 years to complete our bathroom remodel. He says he plans on bulldozing the entire kitchen and utility room right off the house and lift the ceilings and I’m mortified at the thought.
I’m usually busy card crafting. I never meant this to become a job but it kinda is. I only sold Christmas cards in the past but now I am making them for ever occasion. I’ve established a nice little clientele and I’m really enjoying it. I just finished up a bunch of foal announcement cards for a farm and I’m already getting started on Halloween cards. I stay busy with the horses of course and I’m usually up to my eyeballs in dog and horse rescue. I laid off the community service for a while but I’ll get back to that before the holidays I’m sure. I work with a lot of other moms that lost their kids but sometimes it takes its toll and I have to take a step back for a while and then continue when I feel I can. There’s so much more I want to do but sometimes I have to take some “me” time every now and then.
I cut down on spending and I got into couponing a little bit. My friends are pros at it and they’ve been teaching me the ropes and that’s fun when we meet to clip away to save money. My first time out I brought home 32 thingies of Secret Deodorant for a total of $2.50 and I was pretty proud of myself: quite embarrassing at the check out lane but I’ll be stink free for a while. I’m into saving electricity, gas, and recycling more than ever. I limit my computer time to no more than 30 minutes a day. Incredible what you can save and accomplish when you turn your PC and TV off. I regret I didn’t do a vegetable garden this year but I did get my Halloween Pumpkin Patch in. Hope they grow this time.
I’m still basically the same old doormat I’ve always been but just to a point now. Its not all that easy to walk all over me anymore. I stand up and protest every now and then but only if I feel I really need to. When I see people argue over the most mundane things it really gets to me that they don’t realize how short life is and how much time they are wasting on stupid junk. If everyone just understood how they can be wiped out in an instant and learned to live each day like it was their last they could be much more happy. So all in all life is good and it seems to be getting better. Time did not make things hurt less and healed nothing. The wounds are deep and the scars are there and of course there are tears that flow like a river and that’s ok. Learning to cope with the life I’ve been handed is a challenge; but when I learned to accept it, and gave myself permission to be happy, that’s when I became more content. Be happy. Love one another, and find your own place of peace in your life.
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