Quantcast

It's all just bad. Makes me wish...

Miniature Horse Talk Forums

Help Support Miniature Horse Talk Forums:

Status
Not open for further replies.

RainSong

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 29, 2004
Messages
800
Reaction score
0
Location
Western OR
I wrote this a few days ago. The only reason I'm cutting and pasting is because I cannot retype it all without breaking down again. I've spent the last two weeks in a severe depression due to this. Actually, it started before this (long before) but was stable for awhile. Worst part is, each time I start to get a little better, I find something that was done, or something new hits, and wammo. I'm back to almost crying, or just numbly fogged.

I don't like being on antidepressants, but I am so tired of feeling like this. The only reason I'm up at all during the day is Nathan- otherwise I'd sleep as much as possible, eat when I had to, and then go stare at the TV in mindlessness till I could sleep again. Truth is I've felt like this a lot since Christmas time, had a reprive, and now it's back.

Found out too, even when we get our stimulus check, we most likely won't have the money to move. The cast of gas, and of the things we had to buy to get by, etc ... won't equal out. Not unless Dave gets a lot more money for his first paycheck then we expect. So, mid-month next month we're in serious trouble.

_____________ (LOTS OF READING) _____________

My mother decided to move in February. We live with her... "we" being my husband, son, and I. We have for two years, ever since our return to Oregon. My husband has been looking for work since May 12th. We've been living off savings. There are three adults besides us in the household, though my step-dad is usually only home on weekends, and doesn't share a room with my mother (don't ask- she prefers the couch).

My mother always said "we" when mentioning the move. About a month ago, my brother tells us my mother has applied for a credit check on a house. A TWO bedroom house. That means one room for him, one for my step-dad (and my mother's storage uses). Excuse me? What?

Two weeks later, we're told "We got the house".

Not once has my mother ever said anything about us not being allowed to move with them. The conversations we were not included in about houses tipped us off before the credit check, however.

Thankfully, my husband has found work- he found it the Monday after the Friday we were told they were moving out ASAP.

This last weekend, they moved. And it's been one huge attempt at screwing us over, I swear. We had to use our move money to get supplies now, rather then waiting (can't cook if you don't have things to cook in/with). They moved my fish (my only pets, my babies) and left them sitting around with no heaters/filters on- and they're all TROPICAL fish. And yes, they know fish.

Then they run off with the freezer- 75% (or more) of the stuff in that thing was bought BY US. Next day we're given a pittance back- and some of it is stuff that had been in that freezer since BEFORE we moved in (two years, remember?). That same day I asked about the computer chair I use- that they have no place or use for.

We had to, again, make a run to the store- this time for food. Thankfully I had cleared our stuff out the fridge- but they left us the fridge that once held rotten meat for weeks at a time, still smells weird, and you can't leave open containers in- I think it probably has something growing in it somewhere, despite being bleached to heck and back again. And no, they didn't NEED the fridge they took- my mother just wanted the automatic ICE MAKER that's in it.

When we got back from the store, we ended up having to ride herd on my sister's toddler and our own son, then there was the moving of fridges, etc etc.

It wasn't until they'd left (leaving the kitchen a pig sty) that I had a chance to realize... THEY TOOK THE COMPUTER CHAIR. And left me a broken one.

My mother was so "gracious" as to say "Well, you can stay till the middle of next month" after the first round of moving stuff the weekend before this last one. All the while making it sound like she was being so wonderful for "allowing" this. Both days of the move, one where we had pretty much nothing we COULD cook, we ended up having to go out for food- and my mother knew this, all while she also knows WE DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO SPARE because she never bothered to tell us we had to look for a place, and now we're short money because of this crappy mess (and the stimulus check BS... ugh). Meanwhile, each night she's hauling everyone out and feeding them... BUT US.

The year, I have slowly been being cut out of family stuff, and slowly been being treated like I am not family. The last six months saw quicker progression of this, and the last month itself it's increased and is now practically complete. My mother has humiliated me by treating me like some lesser, unworthy person- as if I am not "good" enough to be a part of her family. And I watched her treat my brother like a saint for months during this time.

I hate crying, but I've done it. Never in front of her, only once in front of my brother. If it weren't for my son- he loves his grandmother so much - I would cut my ties until such time as all the hurt and anger fades.

As is, I don't believe he'll see his grandmother again until the holidays (Thanksgiving and such), unless she comes and visits- which is about as likely as her saying she's sorry for this mess.

Poor kiddo. He's gone from having family to not seeing his uncle and grandmother at all (used to see them daily after all, for two years now), and his Daddy has to go away during the week so we can save money to move. It's hard... Monday through Friday evening, sole caretaker and the only adult in a mostly empty shell of something I once called home.

Oh yea. They took the washer and dryer too. I found out last Friday that they were doing so, they took them Saturday- despite the fact they knew we needed to do laundry ('nother expense we needed, right? -.-). I also found out Friday that the house they're renting now... is a three bedroom, not a two bedroom. Fenced yard, no dogs- perfect for Nathan.

My mother made a comment about it how it was going to be nice not having a toddler running around all the time.

She'll miss us both when we're gone. She'll have to do her own chores. No more Boo cuddles.

She's putting her dog to sleep, putting one cat in the pound, probably one dog too- she can't be bothered to find the cat and dog a new home (I tried, fliers and all, for the dog- she didn't help at all). The other dog... well, putting her to sleep is actually for the best; she's old and have very painful hip/backend issues.

They aren't done moving, either. And I'm watching/feeding her fish, her dogs, and her cat until she does something with them all.

I want to break her things. I want to scream, and yell, and find someplace dark and quiet to hide from it all.

I thought we were actually starting to get close, my mother and I. I guess it's a lie, all of it.

I don't even know what I did to deserve all of it.

___________________________________________

She came over after I wrote that. Had to drop off dog food.

She comes to me and she says "You know I don't want you to feel like you're being kicked out, or anything. You're not. You guys really need to be on your own. You were only supposed to stay with us for a few months, and you're your own family."

I said nothing. Didn't even look at her. She knows darn well the reasons we haven't been ABLE to move, and knows darn well we were planning once Dave was working.

Words. That's all it was. Worthless words.
 

Sonya

Well-Known Member
Joined
May 7, 2004
Messages
4,088
Reaction score
167
Location
Newaygo, MI
I am so sorry you are going through all of this....I know what it's like to be alienated by your parents...I have three sisters, one has passed, the other two are really great people but I always felt like an outsider. My Mom always favors the one and my Dad the other. I am the only one in the family who has been successful on my own, without the help of anyone, I sometimes felt cheated. I am close with my parents and I just ignore it now, I use to cry over it occasionally, but my husband is my family now and I focus on that and just spending as much time as I can with my parents, who yes irritate me beyond belief now (I suppose it's their job
) but I know they are not going to be around a whole lot longer. I let lots roll of my shoulder.

I wish I had some great words of advice, but I don't except you need to focus on you, hubby, and Nathan...I know the added financial pressure is probably what is sending you over the edge. Do you have health insurance? If so, I think it would benefit you to talk to someone about all these pressures you have. You need to be as healthy mentally so you can to get through this tough time, especially for Nathan. I hate to hear someone is depressed, as it is just a vicious circle. If anti-depresents will help I don't think it's a bad thing right now, but of course you need to be talking with someone too, you can't deal with all this on your own and medication is not the only answer.

I wish you the best and if I was there right now I'd give you a big hug. Hang in there, things will get better, but only if you have a positive attitude...at times it's not going to seem like it, but they will. Be strong. I'll be praying for you. Hugs.
 

FairytailGlennMinis

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 3, 2002
Messages
948
Reaction score
0
There are programs out there to help young families get on their feet. You might try contacting WIC--I bet food stamps would come in handy. The department of social services may be able to provide advice as well. There are a lot of resources out there--it is just a matter of tapping into them.

I understand that this bites for you. Maybe have your hubby take Nathan out for a bit and then sit down and have a good fit--yell, scream, curse, cry--just get it alllll out. Then pick yourself up and say "okay--what can we DO now?". The way it happened may stink for you, but I doubt any baby bird is ready or likes it when it gets pushed from the nest. Turn this into a positive--dig for those resources and govt. programs, get the help you need (they often have low-income housing to help even!) and then look forward to being your own family. You can't change your mom or brother, so that is wasted energy. What you CAN do is enjoy your husband and your beautiful little boy.
 

horseplay

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 8, 2006
Messages
280
Reaction score
0
"You know I don't want you to feel like you're being kicked out, or anything. You're not. You guys really need to be on your own. You were only supposed to stay with us for a few months, and you're your own family."

Maybe it is time to take care of yourselves. This might sound harsh but as adults that's what we need to do, seeking help for a bit is fine but thinking your mother is supposed to take care of you and your family is asking a lot. Maybe this was her way of pushing you out of the nest so to speak. Good luck, maybe this will prove to be a good thing for everyone involved.
 

RainSong

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 29, 2004
Messages
800
Reaction score
0
Location
Western OR
Maybe it is time to take care of yourselves. This might sound harsh but as adults that's what we need to do, seeking help for a bit is fine but thinking your mother is supposed to take care of you and your family is asking a lot.
I shall explain one thing here. We have never expected her to support us, or take care of us, and she was not. It is true we were not paying rent or household bills; instead, we were buying 75% to 90% of the food for the household, and I was doing most of the house hold chores because no on else would. The amount we paid in food alone covered the cost we would have been paying in rent.

We paid our own bills, paid for our own gas, toiletries, etc. Paid her back too, for what we borrowed when things were really bad in '06.

She refuses to see what we have been contributing, as evidenced by her saying "I buy most the food in this house", and the measly amounts she sent back when they took the freezer without splitting things up. It's pretty bad when I could walk out there and see very few things we didn't buy, most of which had been in the freezer since we moved in in Feb. '06- and she still says she buys most the food. She also has never accepted that I did most the cleaning, despite the pain and problems cause. She'd swear, for instance, that she vaccumed (sp) up after the dogs... when she has vaccumed all of three times since I moved in with them.

We did need to get out; we were working towards that almost exclusively. She knew it- we had discussed it with her. I made it clear we could NOT DO SO till Dave was working and she agreed with me.

We do blame ourselves for it, somewhat. Dave should have looked harder for work- I should have pushed more (not that it would have gotten results). I'd say we should have saved more of our tax return, but most of it went towards bills.

At any rate, how hard would it have been for her to tell us "I'm sorry, I think you guys should get your own place?" and then give us the chance instead of dumping us like so much trash? I am not upset she wanted us out; I am upset at the sneaky underhanded cruel way she has gone about kicking us out- and how badly she's been treating me for so long. I am -not- worthless, I am -not- stupid, and I am not blind to her favortisms.

She's my mother and I love her for that. But right now, I hate her for the pain she's caused. She couldn't have done worse if she'd physically beaten me.
 

RainSong

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 29, 2004
Messages
800
Reaction score
0
Location
Western OR
There are programs out there to help young families get on their feet. You might try contacting WIC--I bet food stamps would come in handy.

Turn this into a positive--dig for those resources and govt. programs, get the help you need (they often have low-income housing to help even!) and then look forward to being your own family. You can't change your mom or brother, so that is wasted energy. What you CAN do is enjoy your husband and your beautiful little boy.
Thankfully, we have foodstamps now- And I'll be calling Monday. Last time I called I got no reply; sadly, our case is lost in the shuffle. We have a high turn over at the office we're going to at the moment because it's the "burn out" office: Where they send everyone who is burning out and getting job sour
It'll complicate things that we are looking to change counties, I think, but anything is better then nothing.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this....I know what it's like to be alienated by your parents...I have three sisters, one has passed, the other two are really great people but I always felt like an outsider. My Mom always favors the one and my Dad the other. I let lots roll of my shoulder.

I wish you the best and if I was there right now I'd give you a big hug. Hang in there, things will get better, but only if you have a positive attitude...at times it's not going to seem like it, but they will. Be strong. I'll be praying for you. Hugs.
I will, in time, be able to do like you. Right now it's too fresh. I manage to be nice, polite, even enjoy my mother's company while she's around- until I remember it all and then I just wanna throw something and scream (not at her, my goodness, she may be old and hurt, but I still fear making her mad! LOL)

In time I'll be able to let it go and just shake my head over it. Couple previous things that have happened are like that, just head shaking unanswerable questions.

Thank you both, too. As much as I'd like to say I'm strong and can handle this all, and take all the criticisms anyone might aim at me... well, I'm not right now. We've been saying it though... "We will manage, somehow." and "You do what you have to do."
 

Magic

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 1, 2002
Messages
4,462
Reaction score
3
Ouch. I'm really sorry for all the pain and stress you are going through right now.
If it makes you feel any better, perhaps your Mom didn't *intend* to hurt you by the way she did things, but was just afraid to come out and say what she felt, and wanted, and ended up botching it because of that.

I really hope that things turn out ok for you, with the upcoming move, etc, and please do get some help so that you can feel better emotionally. {{{Hugs}}}
 

Bard

Member
Joined
Jun 1, 2008
Messages
5
Reaction score
0
Does anyone else ever click on posts like these (and there are a few others I've scanned here, too) that make you squirm and feel awkward from TMI? There's no safe way to approach it unless it's the stock "You're in my prayers" or "I'm so sorry" approach. Fact often gets obscured by defensive woundedness.

There are no bad, mean people on this board. If they answer this post, it's because they care about you and hope for the best for you, even if it's frustrating to see such trauma and drama, and whatever's typed comes out with a myriad of different interpretations but the OP's intended message.

Facts:

You are a wife.

You are a mother, and these are the most important years you can share with your son.

You are an adult, and you're getting older.

You share a household with other people.

Nobody put a gun to your head to make you a mother or a wife, unless you're from that ranch in Texas, and the jury's still out on that. That's all on you, however you care to justify it.

Obligations:

Supporting and helping your husband all you can, since he's the only one who can drive, work, earn money, and, if I'm not mistaken, take care of YOUR son while you're asleep after an all-nighter in Azeroth. That means chores, dinner, taking care of things while he's gone so he doesn't have to when he gets back, not just loving him. You can't eat or wear love.

Taking care of household chores for your own family, and the one you're squatting on. You will not get a medal of honor for vacuuming or cleaning up messes- that's your obligation and job, regardless of how far past 1953 we have progressed. You'll be lucky to get an occasional "Thanks". By then, you'll wonder what for. If you don't expect support from someone else, how can you explain crashing in your family's home for two years? Buying your own tampons and deodorant is another goes without saying. Landlords don't do that sort of thing.

Getting a job as soon as you are able to. Please tell me you have at least a GED and a Driver's License? Why has nobody ever brought this up in-forum?

Staying on birth control, now that you know how babies are made and how much they cost in time and money. Seriously. This also counts for getting more pets. Pets require the same attention a human does. More pets, more obligations, more money spent. Don't add to the family until you can afford to take care of the one you have now.

Taking advantage of the services for families available to you, which means actually hunting them down and pestering them. They don't want to part with it, it's your job to go dig for it. You're headed in the right direction with food stamps. When your child is of school age, there will be programs available for him, too.

Finding therapy and medication that works, whether or not you like it. It's not about you. It's about the people you're sucking down with you who are too young to help themselves. Read up on fibromyalgia, too.

Change:

Your perspective. If you're not worthless or stupid, you don't need to prove it to us, but you do need to remember it when you're acting that way, and let it motivate you to change. Arm yourself with not only knowledge, but the ability to use it.

Your psychological diet. Like an emo- vampire, you're craving sugary, feel-good syrup like well-wishes and pats on the back from internet strangers instead of unpleasant fact you prefer to call criticism. You're draining people around you. You need real food for your brain, like motivation, pride, perseverence, and actually seeing yourself set goals and accomplish them. Might hurt your tummy a bit, but swallow it, it's good for you, and you won't starve. Also remember that before your son was born, anything you put into your body, he received, too? Everything you keep in your soul, he feels. Don't poison him.

If automobile, modern medicine, or food and drug standards weren't criticized, where do you think we would all be? China. Someone somewhere along the line has to point out flaws, and if they're hidden beneath sweet, you'll never taste the bitter catalyst that goads you into action. Needles and scalpels hurt, too, but you still need them to heal people.

Your approach. Rolling a D-20 doesn't cut it in the real world. Resumes, legwork, phonecalls, that's what it takes to level-up. Walk or drive or be driven where you need to go, pick up the phone, file online. Read the papers, take the kid along, leave it with a friend, do something other than sitting at home twisting your hands and typing, unless you're getting paid for it. Have you noticed that all people are offering you now is sympathy and prayer, and not places to go, jobs, and so forth? It's very hard to see someone with problems and wish so badly you could snap your fingers and make their hurts go away, but if you become too ingrained with a person who just doesn't want to make a change, their problems become your problems. Nobody wants double problems. When it boils down to that, it's every man (or woman) for him (or her) self. This I've probably beaten to death. You know what you need to do. You just need to do it.

Don't change the facts that:

You are compassionate, imaginative, idealistic, and talented.

You are resilient and strong.

You have the love of your husband and son.

You have a golden ticket to government aid- your demographic statistics.

You have people around the US pulling for you, if only online.

Reading sagas like these is like watching the tv and screaming at the characters not to make that move, go in that room, look in that closet. We KNOW where the monsters are lurking and how to steer you around it all, and will help you if we can, even if it means getting dirty and crawling to safety through the neighbor's rosebush hedges. We see your life from an impartial third-person point of view that is so helpful in unclouding the mind of emotions that toxically influence decision-making abilities. What we see makes us grimace and hiss in sympathy, but when it's seen again and again, we become desensitized to it, and eventually change the channel or turn it off and go tend to our own lives. The worst part, is that eventually YOU will become desensitized to everything, stop caring, and then where will your husband and child be? You won't care. That's bad.

You AREN'T in quicksand yet- it's just a big, scary jungle for now. You have to keep moving. Only when you stop and stagnate will you really start to sink. Which would you rather have if you were drowning- printed-out well-wishes from strangers, or a real life-boat? One feels better than the blisters and splinters you'd get from building your own boat, but you'll have to. The Titanic was living proof that pretty people don't want to yield their life-boats for third-class Irish immigrants. They had to make do with what they had. Some drowned. You won't. Nobody will let you drown unless you want a different color boat, push them away, or hang so tightly onto them that you pull them down with you.

Back to lurking or banishment for me.
 

mininik

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 6, 2005
Messages
2,846
Reaction score
0
Location
PNW
Bard, THAT was a truly helpful, honest, inspiring post.
 

Reijel's Mom

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 7, 2006
Messages
1,698
Reaction score
1
Location
Conroy, IA
Oh my! Who let Dr. Phil on the board?

Sorry.

In all seriousness, some very good constructive advice/opinion offered by Bard. I hope that it isn't overlooked.
 

Minimor

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 2, 2004
Messages
8,588
Reaction score
860
Location
Brandon Manitoba
Bard, that was a wonderful post, I think the most helpful post I have ever seen on this board! I was thinking much of what you said but had no idea how to actually SAY it, and so I didn't even try.
 

horseplay

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 8, 2006
Messages
280
Reaction score
0
Mine was only 4 lines, I'm not very good with words but wanted to say what Bard said
. Great post, great advise
 

Miniv

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 30, 2002
Messages
12,747
Reaction score
677
Bravo, Bard! (Who ever you are.)


I guess it's called "tough love"?

My mother-in-law told me once, years ago, that we would look back on our early struggling years with great fondness some day...... She was right.

Oh, and for a replacement computer chair -- yard sales are great!
 

Charley

Well-Known Member
Joined
May 9, 2007
Messages
2,048
Reaction score
271
I'm hoping that this is all taken in a constructive way by you, Rainsong. Life is not easy. We do have to grow up, separate from our parents and live lives of our own. You will come to appreciate this some day. I believe your mother has thought this out and probably had a hard time doing what she felt she had to do. She definitely is doing this out of love for y'all. She is doing the right thing. It would have been nicer if you had moved out on your own; not necessarily any easier. But she waited two years for that and it didn't happen.

You will survive. Wish you the best. Please look around at what you have and find happiness there. Don't dwell so much on what you don't have. You have so much more than many others with your hubby, Nathan, your mother, and other extended family.
 

Wee Mite Miniatures

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 30, 2002
Messages
263
Reaction score
0
You do not have to spend a lot to restock a house. Go to yard sales. You will find great buys almost everything you need. Hit the rich neighborhoods. I have purchase some top quality pots and pans for my kids for a few dollars. Always offer less then they are asking. All they can say is no. Most people are just happy to see the stuff go. Estate sales run by some one other then the family are normally high priced.

Bard, Wonderful post. I printed it out to hand to my DIL.

Rainsong, your mother was a saint for allowing you to stay with her as long as you did. It is not easy to have you kids move back in with you along with spouse and children. Pick yourself up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your life back together. Your mom can not do that for you, only you can do it. Make a plan. Make a list, keep it simple but accomplish one thing on it each day. Make a list of what you need and hit the yard sales on Saturday morning. Have a limit of how much you can spend but find a few of the things you need.

So many of us have had hard times, we have come out of it. BUT it is hard work.
 

Charley

Well-Known Member
Joined
May 9, 2007
Messages
2,048
Reaction score
271
Hit yard sales at the ending time....many people don't want to take things back in and will give things away if approached. Most just take things to goodwill after the sale anyway. Churches will help also. They have things set aside just for situations like yours.
 

Sonya

Well-Known Member
Joined
May 7, 2004
Messages
4,088
Reaction score
167
Location
Newaygo, MI
Oh my! Who let Dr. Phil on the board?
Haha...that was a good one.

Although I agree with much of Bards post, which was very well written by the way, my position here is to just offer support...I don't think she asked for advice or opinions of what she should do. I found on most posts like these, advice only receives resentment from the original poster and/or others. I doubt anything anyone says on this board is going to be life changing for anyone (maybe it should be, sometimes , but it won't). Not all can handle constructive criticism well.

I hope things get better for her...I am in no position to judge her situation, nor is anyone else.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Status
Not open for further replies.

Latest posts

Top