Is it normal to feel this way?

[LaraP]

We had to up and leave everything to come to take care of my 86 yr old mother. She called me last yr and told me she was so scared, alone, and needed some help for awhile. Of course I had talked with her daily prior to that converstation but I have never heard her so frantic. Well, I of course came up that day and have never left. We have been here for over a year, I have five other sisters and brother. My mother is blind and can not walk. I got the family together and we talked about Mom. Prior to me MOVING here, she lived alone. Of course, my sisters would come and throw food at her in the AM, Noon and supper and then they would put her to bed and leave.

We all agreed that she should no longer be left alone, and of course it was all on me.. As David and I didn't have jobs, we just played with a huge herd of horses. (WHATEVER).

Well, since I have been here, no one.. and I mean noone has come to help me with her. She can't be left alone, and in fact, can't be alone in a room by herself. She gets scared. If I get up to even go to the restroom she freaks. Please don't misunderstand me. I love her, but I beginning to truly feel like I am being cheated. Our lives are on hold. She will get up in the middle of the night and fall.. I suggested a hospital bed, but the family things that would only depress her further. But I get blamed when she does fall.

I have been talking with my Mom's Dr's nurse and she says you have got to put your foot down. My brother lives 3 blocks from here. And my Mom has not seen him since last Oct.. That to me is not acceptable.

I guess I just needed to vent. Have any of you taken care of a elderly parent. I sometimes look at her and remember all she did for us kids. She was so sweet, loving, unselfish person I have ever known.. She is now, the most selfish, uncaring person I have ever known.

She told David it is much worse to lose a spouse, (my dad passed away) then to lose a child, referring to Joshua. I couldn't believe that even came out of her mouth, and it's always poor me, I have had such a hard life?? Hard life? I reminder her that my Dad retired and lived 30 yrs after. To me that is amazing. She had a easy life. She had a good life. She lost no children, she was did have colon cancer and they caught it so early all she had to do was go thru the surgery, but no chemo or no radiation, and that was 10 yrs ago, and she still is cancer free.

Why do I feel like I almost can't stand her? I am getting so depressed its not funny. She won't go with me to even see the horses, so David has to take care of them. and of course I can't go by myself. TO me that is so selfish..

Sorry, I needed to vent and get some advise. I have threatened my family that I am OUT OF HERE.. and they throw it back in my face, well remember you are the one that will make her go in a nursing home.

Well, enough about me.. I read on the back porch all that are so very sick, and going thru horrible things in there lives.. I read all these, and know, I pray for each and everyone of you..

Lara

 

[hobbyhorse23]

I have threatened my family that I am OUT OF HERE.. and they throw it back in my face, well remember you are the one that will make her go in a nursing home.

Now that is out of line!!

You might point out to them that actually you're the only reason she hasn't BEEN in a nursing home all this time, and how is it your fault that the rest of them are too lazy to step up and take a turn helping as you have?

Whatever. That just frosts me.

Your emotions are entirely natural at this point and you shouldn't feel guilty about not being superhuman. The situation you're in is impossibly difficult to deal with, and it sounds like your family is making it harder rather than easier for you. Someone needs to smack some sense into your siblings. Jeez.

Leia

 

[~Lisa~]

I feel for you and often it does seem to come down to one family member to bear the brunt of things. Can you maybe find a for lack of the proper term day care type of situation where you can bring her a couple times a week for a few hours just to give yourself a break?

 

[miniwhinny]

What's wrong with a nursing home? When my son (doing premed in college) was in High School he got his CNA and worked at a nursing home. They took great care of the patients. He'd go in on his days off to visit with them and he and his GF rounded them up and took them to the pool to go swimming. I know there are probably some you wouldn't want her at but - check them out - at a nursing home she'd have 24 hour care, she'd never be alone and all of her medical needs / food etc would be cared for. Sounds like she may not be too happy to start with but everyone has to compromise a little in life. You sure are!

It also sounds like she needs some anxiety medication. Her fears seem too extreme if she can't be left alone at all not even when you go to the bathroom.

I'm 100% for family responsibility but you're being taken advantage of...family means exactly that "ALL THE FAMILY". Also...it may be better if a nursing home is out of the question for your mom to move in to your place so you can have your life back. I'm presuming if you and David don't work that you're retired or independently wealthy...have mom move into your place and have your other siblings help with living expenses. I'm not sure what insurance she has but there are many home help agencies where nurses will come into your home each day to be with your mom while you get some time off. Or how about a calendar be set up where each sibling takes a month to stay with mom and you all rotate...just ideas I'm bouncing around.

Your family sounds a little selfish...but...as long as you are steppinig up to the plate they have no reason to step up themselves.

Yes, something needs to be done to take care of both you (and David) AND your mom. If you're getting depressed too then things have to change.

Don't dispare...there are other options and it sounds like it's time to explore them but first your other siblings need to have their eyes opened a little to what is going on (they already do - they just don't want to take on the commitment of mom)

 

[Crabby-Chicken]

I am sorry Lara. This sucks and it seems like that when the parents get older and need help it is almost always one child that does the majority. I don't know why.

She does sound like she does need more help than you guys can give. And when they start having problems, such as dementia they do say things that are hurtful. Because they can't help it. My Mom was the same way. We did find her a small adult family home and it was wonderful. We visited every other day and took care of things she needed. But you can't sacrifice your self and your husband.

They have in home help that will come in and spell you too so you can get out too.

My Mom and I were the best of friends and she was all I had since I was 10 and my Dad died. We were everything to each other and the pain of watching the illness and fear take her was terrible. I had two brothers and a sister. One brother would come see her a couple times a year. The others much less. All of them lived within and hour away.

I wish I could be more help. I know that I started having anxiety attacks and depression when we were going through it.

I really do think a smaller adult care facility would be great for her. More one on one time for her, and a little breathing room for you. Once you find a good one, you thank heaven every day for the help that they can offer you. Doesn't mean you love them any less. It means that you really love them and can do the best for them.

 

[minie812]

I worked as a CNA/HHA & Hospice for close to 15 yrs and have pretty much seen it all and then some. I got into this when my M-I-Law had a heart attack and needed care & I took care of her for 1 yr till she passed (family all but disappeared on us) then my Father -I-Law got lung cancer and again the family was to busy so it again fell on me and then my husbands uncle developed Alzhimers and I helped with him. Sometimes whether we like it or not it falls on that one family member. I would not trade the time I was given with these people for all the tea in China as they gave me the greatess gift of fully trusting in me to help them through their end of life journey. Sometimes we have to put aside our on wants and do what is right for a loved one as we shall someday make that journey ourselves and maybe sooner then we think! Good Luck and you and your family are in my prayers.

 

[Minimor]

Every caregiver deserves--and NEEDS--some time off--you must get respite care for your mother so that you can take some time for yourself. Get away, relax, unwind, spend time with your horses, and do this at least one day a week. Your feelings are perfectly normal for anyone that is stuck in your situation, never having time for or to yourself, away from the person you are caring for.

That comment from your siblings would really frost me. I would have come back with something to the effect of: No, I am the reason that she has not been in a nursing home long ago. If she has to go into a home now it is only because my useless siblings refuse to step up and take a turn at caring for her. If you don't want her to go into a home than YOU had better come and stay with her at least one day a week, so that I can take some time away for myself.

It is perfectly normal for your mother's personality to take this nasty turn. Dementia (and alzheimers too, for those that have that to deal with) changes a person's personality. The sweetest of people will suddenly start saying the nastiest of things--it is very, very hurtful to those that are close to them. It's hard, but you do have to realize that your mother doesn't really mean the things she is saying. You kind of have to just let it roll off you. That, of course, is easier to do if you are rested and refreshed after a day away from the house--harder to do if you are stuck there 24/7 for weeks or months or years.

 

[loveminis]

I am sorry you going through this, I did it with my mom and dad.

If your mom is falling all the time and scared to be alone you may have to find her a secure place to live, ie: nursing home or adult home. You CANNOT be expected to be the only care giver and with her 24 hours a day. It is hard not to feel guilty but it is NOT your fault that she is failing. Honestly, family (siblings) can be the worst !! PLEASE do not let them make you feel bad.

My dad had demetia and we had to trick him into a home, he HAD to go. He also said really mean things to me and I couldn't stand it because it hurt so bad.

Take care, talk with the nurse and you should listen to what she suggests.

Edited for grammer.

 

[HGFarm]

I understand your frustration at your siblings TOTAL lack of caring or taking on part of the responsibility of THEIR/your mother!!!

However, look at it this way....we are all rewarded in a different way at the end, by what we do in life!

YOU are spending quality time with her and giving her some type of security. I can certainly understand her fear and who is she to trust?

Talk to her as much as you can... try to keep her mind off of her terrible problems and get her to laugh. We were granted only a month with our Mom that we should not have had (NONE of the doctors or anyone knew how she was here that month, but we know!!) but we used it wisely and visited with her every day, and found humor and made her last days enjoyable. Well, as enjoyable as they could be, knowing we were already on very borrowed time!! I thank God every day for that extra month we had and being able to say things we would not have been able to otherwise.

Here's a suggestion... get a tape recorder and get your mother to talk to you about things like family history, relatives that may be gone, funny stories of growing up, etc... and record all this info. It is priceless to be able to have that and future family would certainly enjoy listening to it as well!! There are many things about family history and things that we wonder about or dont remember, and sure wish we had more of it recorded or written down or something!

Does she qualify for any type of caretaker to come in to the home- even for a few hours a week- maybe twice a week so you can have a brief break??

I know it is frustrating, and when you get no help or even a brief break, it can really be exhausting and make you want to tear your hair out, but her time here is limited, and she is scared and alone. You are all she has and know that she is spending time with family that cares, not strangers, or family that does not care!!

Bless you for what you have taken on, and embrace every day you can spend with her, as frustrating as it may be!

 

[Aristocratic Minis]

Lara, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I can understand what you are dealing with concerning your mother. My mother developed dementia after my father died. Dementia can cause a person's behavior and personality to change completely. They say ugly, hateful things and their behavior is erratic.

My mother became very paranoid. I think that was about the worst part for me. She thought people were stealing from her and she started hiding her belongings and not remembering where she put them. That reinforced her paranoia about things going missing. When I would find whatever it was, she would accuse me of trying to trick her and trying to confuse her. It was very hurtful. She said some awful things that she would have never said if she was in her "right mind."

You are feeling, I am sure, a lot of frustration, anger, exhaustion, depression and anxiety. I think that is the norm for long time caregivers. Somehow it always seems there is ONE person in a family who is "chosen" to be the caregiver, and the other family members don't pull their weight at all. Unfair, but true.

I'd be tempted to make a schedule and give a calendar to your siblings giving them care of her for part of their weekends. (Yes, their time off work!!! Like you don't WORK.) Tell them you are having to share the responsibility as you need some time to heal and rest. If they keep her for a few hours a week, they might be more understanding of your 24/7 situation.

You are on the way to becoming sick yourself if you are giving 24 hr. care. You need help. Private duty nurses or healthcare caretakers could possibly do night duty for you. Respite care could give you some time for yourself. Some places have Elderly Day Care services.

Has your mother started "sundowning?" Has she started trying to run away? These things frequently happen. My mother fell in the bathtub in the middle of the night and had to be hospitalized. The social worker at the hospital suggested my mother could not be cared for in our home situation any longer and recommended and referred us to local nursing homes. The doctors and social workers in the hospital would not release my mother until we made a decision on her placement. This took the onus of the decision away from me as it was a medical decision. At some point that might happen in your situation where the doctor will recommend placement.

Mother lived about two years in an Alzheimer/Dementia nursing facility before her passing. I visited each day and made sure she was eating properly and was being cared for properly.

Blessings to you for doing what you are doing. You need help and support. Family support would be great, but if you cannot get that, search elsewhere. You are exhausted and frustrated and need support. If nothing else, go to the internet for information and support.

There are many websites and blog sites which offer suggestions for caregiver support. You will find that you are experiencing what others are experiencing. Wherever you live, there might be a local support group which can give you ideas and support for your situation.

While it might be difficult, you must think of your own health as being a caregiver can be debilitating.

Blessings and hugs to you, Lara.

I recommend www.caregiver.org

 

[LaraP]

Thank you all for your advice. I know this may seem weird. but when I first got married and out of the house, I used to love to come home for the security. I found comfort in my Mom. she had all the answers. Good advice and I believed and trusted in her. I use to watch her play with the boys and LOVING IT.. It scares me now, my Mother, the one that I trusted in, feel so secure around her and safe is no longer there. It totally is frightening me. Who do I have now to lean on, to get advice from? To feel secure and safe around? It's like it all has turn around. I wonder if I drove her as nuts as she is driving me?

She is on a Xanax, but it doesn't seem to help her. She wakes up and has no idea where she is. She tells me the same stories over and over again, about the day my Dad died.. I can't take hearing that over and over again. It was my Dad too, she acts like he was just her husband and she was the only one affected by it.

I am the one that needs Xanax.. Its been over one year and I feel like it has been a lifetime. If I need to take a bath, I have to do it when David will sit with her and the whole time she is complaining. She has a werid dependency on ME..

I am going to get in touch with someone that can help us. I love her I do. But I can tell you sometime I could truly go off the handle. And she lies.. terrible. she never lied before. Its like I am seeing this woman that looks like my Mom but don't act like her.

A nursing home is out of the question. She won't go. She won't go with the church group that would come and get her at the door, they have a bus that is equipped to get her wheelchair in there and they go to the church and do crafts and visit she won't go unless I go with her..

Am I being unfair? I begged her to move in with us.. That was not an option. For a little ol lady she sure can put her foot down. I know one thing for sure, my dad I am sure is looking down thanking David and I for not turning our backs on her like the rest of their children do and did. At least I will feel no remorse or guilt if she happens to go before me. But I am beginning to wonder if I will go before her. It would be a blessing.

Again, thank you all for your advise and I am going to look into someone coming here a couple or even one day per week. That would be awesome.

Lara

 

[LaraP]

Oh my gosh, ARISTOCRATIC MINIATURES you sound like you are here. Yes, she is convinced my sisters steal from her. She hangs on to her purse like it contains a billion bucks. Yes, in Feb, she drove her wheelchair out the front door. Thank god David heard her and we found her down the road, she would have frozen to death. She said she was going home and then tried to run into me with her wheelchair. She will call one sibling and say that the other said this about her and that. My brother called and said that West Nile Virus was bad here in Illinois, so now she is for sure she has it.

She told me that she heard on the news that Pres Obama is going to give all the elderly a pill to kill them and now she has no insurance. And he is going to give her money to that Pelosi woman. Boy, did I get an eye opener today. I thought it was just her behaving that way for attention.. or to try and drive me nuts. I truly felt she was purposely trying to hurt me. She must truly believe this stuff. Boy, I do have a new outlook. Bless her heart.

Thanks a bunch. This is a rare opportunity for me to sit and type, she is napping in her chair, but says she never sleeps at nite. Well, she sleeps all day. I need to give her a big hug and tell her how much I love her.

THANK YOU

Lara

 

[Bassett]

Lara, so sorry you have to go through this. Two words from me: NURSING HOME. There are so many of them who give excellent care. I know it will be rough on her at first but it won't take long she will adjust and you can get on with your life. No one thinks for a minute that you don't love her. My husband didn't want to go to a nursing home either but he did and now when I take him out he is always ready to go back. It didn't take long for him to adjust because I visited him every day for a long time. Finally told him I have a life too and I gradually cut back to where I only see him 2-3 times a week and while he doesn't totally agree with it he appears to accept it. They keep them busy with activities and music, church services, bingo, rides to get ice cream. Yesterday they took about 20 of the elderly out on a pontoon boat on Lake Pepin. Wonderful time. They will keep her very busy but they won't let her be mean to anyone either. Now not all homes are the same but there are some excellent ones out there. 24/7 care. Waited on hand and foot, who wouldn't like it after a while.

Now you say she won't go. Sometimes people have no choice. It may not be so nice, but trick her. You will feel bad for a while and your siblings will be mad but who's life is this? Yours or theirs? I feel you are the only one who can change this situation. I felt so bad and guilty for a long time, but then I just decided for the first time in our 48 years of marriage I'm going to be NUMBER 1, Daisy is # 2 and Duane is # 3. Sounds nasty but it is something I HAD to do and the people on here were a great support for me. They made me realize that I should put the guilt aside and live my life. One lady even offered me her life size Curious George to cuddle with at night and I've always loved her for that because I know she loves her Curious George but was willing to loan it to me. Thanks Jodi.

I'm hoping you will take this at face value but nobody should have to take verbal abuse from anyone and it will get worse. She will say meaner and meaner things as time passes. And believe it or not they always take it out on the ones they love the most. She loves you and you love her but please think about it and live your own life. None of us know from day to day.. What if something happened and you were no longer were able to do this. Would your sibling take her in or put her in a ho9me where she would be well taken care of? Check a few of them out. (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

 

[HGFarm]

My mother developed some dementia also the year before she passed. But she had days that she was perfectly clear too. On the days she was in a 'fog' she knew she was not right, but could not help herself. Please folks, when they say mean things, or do strange things, it is not because they are mad at you and dont take it personally!!! They can't help it, and those things are REAL to them. We learned very quickly NOT to argue with them about stuff- it did nothing but make her even angrier. If we had to, we made up something as to why something was in a strange place or something so as not to accuse others.........

Mom said some horrible things about one of my sisters... in her mind it was real. Later, she would not even remember saying them.

Mom spent her last year close by in an EXCEPTIONAL facility that was designed for folks with dementia. They could not escape, but had lovely gardens outside, their own small apartments with a main room, bathroom, etc.... She was allowed to have her own furniture there and all her own stuff. This was comforting to her as it was things she recognized. The move was horrible and yes, we had to sort of trick her into going, and she was so terrified she was shaking and thought she had been kidnapped with no way to call the police.

None of it is easy- and most of it is heartbreaking, but there comes a point that they need more care than you can give and many of the facilities now are VERY nice. Not like in the old days- I remember the place where my grandmother was.... yikes, things have changed!

Mom was close by so I could drop by any time I wanted- we were even allowed to spend the night if we wanted to in Mom's own little apartment. I would sleep on the couch and she loved that- to have visitors.

Your Mom is scared and hanging on to one of the only things she knows and can remember. YOU. She cannot help what she is going through, and there is no easy way for you to get through this. It is not safe if she takes off- my Mom did before she was moved to this other place a couple of times- the last time was on foot and she fell. Thank God someone's nice teenage boy in a close by apartment saw her and helped her and called authorities. It could have been much worse!

Mom never got mean or nasty with us, just surprizing things would come out her mouth sometimes. She treated the folks where she lived with respect and was a lady to the very end. They all commented on how nice she was, and we came to know many of them while Mom was there.

Your Mom is lucky to have you, and I know my Mom hated the days when she could not think straight or would imagine things. She KNEW her brain was not functioning right later when she would become clear again, and it bothered her. She apologized so many times if she ever said something she should not have, and told us to please let her know if she was out of line or rude at any time! We never had to, but it was very scary to her to know that her brain was failing. That had been her worst life long fear, and I was sorry she had to go through it at all.

She was pretty clear at the end, and we were blessed with an extra month with her that no one knows how or why she survived what she did, but then she could not hold on to this world any more.

It IS heartbreaking- all of it, and none of it is easy, but remember your mother as she was, and know she needs you now, but you may have to think of other options that can give her care in a place where you know she is safe and cared for without killing you of exhaustion and frustration in the meantime.

Until then, I certainly agree with assigning your other siblings a weekend each to come in and take care of her.... they would only need to give one weekend a month or less, and you would at least get a break. And DONT let them give you a guilt trip!!!!!!! It is obvious who the caring daughter is here!

 

[loveminis]

I have to agree with Bonnie.

I remember when my dad was alive with dementia he went to get an x-ray of his brain. When the doctor said his brain was shrinking I was like OMG !!! You can't see the internal things that are going on. You are so emotionally involved it is hard to evaluate the situation like someone else would. I hate to say it will only get worse.

 

[Shari]

Yes, it is very normal to feel this way. Frosts me no end when families do this. All I can go is give you a big Cyber Hug!!!

When my DH father was dying at home... my DH would be over there every evening and all weekends, to help out his brother Micheal and his Mom with his care. Micheal worked at night and DH by day so it worked very well... though they were extremely tired after the 3+ months. They also had a nurse come in to bathe him and so on. Their older brother in AK... refused to come down and help.

He had the money and time but didn't want to bother.

It was very hard on the family.

DH's mother went to go live with his brother Micheal but she passed away before there were many health issues. While we did not want to see her die.. she passed away quietly in her sleep.

Now my Grandmother is going blind from a tumor in her brain and is now living with one of my Aunts in MA. Grammy didn't want to move and wasn't ..ah... nice with her words but she had to have help and I think on some level she knew it.. My Mom offered to have her live over here but she won't leave MA. She also can't be left alone.

My Uncle also has health issues and is always going to the Doc. While my Mom lives 3000 miles away... she does pay for a nurse that comes in 3 to 4 days a week to help give Grammy bath's and all that. That also gives my Aunt and Uncle time to be able to go out of the house and get things done. Only costs $25.00 a week.

But it makes me mad,, when I have a large number of cousins over there and None of them ever go to see her, or to help out.

Grammy is also getting very neg and grumpy and I chock it up to... her being scared of getting old, scare to go blind and she is forgetting a lot and she knows she is forgetting and doesn't like the feeling. So she takes it out on her daughter that is caring for her.

(Personally what I saw in going on with the Nursing home when my Great Grammy lived at one...and the short time I spent in one after my Accident. I would rather try to take care of them at home that put them through the abuse.

I know there are good nursing homes out there but those ones are very spendy.)

Most I am able to do, is keep sending her monthly letters and photos, on the same day every month. My Aunt is having to read to her now.

I would contact and go see Your Mom's Doc and request that a nurse or home aid worker to come in at least 3 to 4 days a week to help you out. I wish I could help you with her Neg behavior but I don't have any words of wisdom there. If she is not loosing her memory.. you might try sitting down with her and tell her you are doing your best, you understand she is scared and so on. It might help with that issue.

Put your foot down with your family. Asign days, they can come and help and or sit with their mother. Many hands makes for lighter work. <Hugs>

 

[barnbum]

At least I will feel no remorse or guilt if she happens to go before me.

Lara--that will make it all worth it.

I'm so proud of you for doing this for her--for treating your mom with the dignity she deserves, but it's not a situation that builds on your sanity, that's for sure. When my grandmother needed more than living at home--I told my dad (his mother-in-law--my mom died before her) at some point the decision needs to be taken from her. She would only eat if taken out to eat, and if we took food to her, it'd mold in the fridge. We ended up getting her into a lovely assisted living place. They were so attentive to her, my dad says they extended her life. She had a room to herself and it was wonderful. We visited several times a week and brought her home often.

But--your mom sounds like she need more. At least look into home care? There are so many options lately. That way you can leave to catch your breath--you'll have to be firm and just tell her that's what you're doing. Care for the care taker is so important, Lara.

My father-in-law is in Alzheimer's now--and the family is starting to look into options. My husband has lunch with them Mon-Fri and can see it's time to begin the search.... thankfully, Mark's sisters will help, I hope.

Good luck--and I hope all the supportive replies here will lift your spirits and give you strength. God will say "well done, my child."

 

[LaraP]

I have gotten alot of ideas and help and so glad that I posted this on the Forum. I feel alittle bad about feeling the way I did.. or still do really. I thank God for my husband. I am telling you, he has been unbelievable. I told him that if the roles were rerversed I am not sure I would stay. If this was his mom or dad and we got treated the way my Mom is at times, I would be OUT OF HERE. I need to be enlightened on demetia and alzhemiers. My mom was treated by a Neurologist and she hated her. Said she had a big A##. I couldn't believe that. but the Dr did say she does have demetia and we had a brain scan done on her. The stroke she had blinded her. She of course blamed the Dr. It must be very scary to be blind, and its no wonder why she is scared all the time.

I know I have learned a lot from you all.. I have alot of homework to do and alot to think about. If my Mom knew she would be thanking you all too..

With Love,

Lara

 

[horsefeather]

I can really only 'ditto' what some of the others have said. My mom lived 5 yrs. longer than my dad. The first yr or so I tried to get her to go to the adult center, church, etc. Nope wouldn't go. I am an only child, so I knew it would be up to me. The last couple of years were pretty hard. The Demetia thing is horrible and only gets worse. Mom wanted me quit work and take care of her, which of course I couldn't do. Before Daddy died, he moved a trailer in next to us so it was easier to take care of her. She fell a lot and finally fell and broke her hip. I brought her home from the hospital, put up a hospital bed with side rails and slept in another bedroom. But, she would wake all thru the night and call me and once I found her sliding out the FOOT of the bed. I talked to the Dr. and we made her go to a nursing home. That had to be the hardest thing I have EVER done in my life. She begged me to let her come home. I told her I was doing tough love and she had to stay there until she could go to the rehab hospital then she could come home. Then she really layed a guilt trip on me. She said "your dad wouldn't let you put me in here." I had to just walk out. I cried for hours and hours. When I was finally able to bring her home, she wanted me with her all the time. I was still working, but I would stay with her when I got home until I put her to bed, and most of each weekend. I finally found a lady who would stay with her duing the day, so I felt better about leaving her alone during the day. I wasn't tied down as much as you, as my daughter lived on the other side of us and she would check on her on weekends we would go to shows. However, almost every time we went, she would end up in the hospital. My daughter would tell me that she was fine, not to come home, she (mom) just wanted me to come home. Anyway, do as others have said and find SOMEONE to stay with her some. If you don't, you just may go before her. Caretakers have one of the hardest jobs there is. However, I don't believe you should give up your and your hubbys entire lives for her. If someone has never had to take care of one or both of their parents for any length of time they would understand. I wish you the best and if you need to pm me or call just to vent, that would be fine.

Pam

 

[muffntuf]

You are torn between doing the right thing and what needs to happen. Just about everyone has said it - you either need to get respite care or find a Senior Living Center that has a floor for her slowly emerging dementia. I am care taker for 2 grandparents on my mother's side and my grandmother (not primary) on my father's side. My father himself is 71 now. We had my father' s mother move in with us and it was a fight tooth and nail. She didn't want to be there. She wanted back to her house. It took 3 months before she gave in. Then the turning point was when she got sick with pnuemonia, she was hospitalized and came home with what seemed worse dementia. After 3 months of struggling with her and the worst was what she did in the bathroom everyday, she was finally put into a local nursing home. Again it was a fight, it took 2 months. But now she is settle again and I talk non-stop about leaving her there, or we need to get more help. A 71 year old man taking care of a 95 year old woman with dementia has its moments. I cherish all the time I spend with them, but I have to say, I need the break.

Incidentally the other grandparents are 85 and 87 and still humming along, slowly. I finally won the fight of them trying to drive all over the state, now they call me or my uncle to come get them for anything over 60 minutes travel.

Take care!