I need help and advice

[h2t99]

We moved to Tennessee beginning of April, my husband is still working in Michigan, he gets home every three weeks for 3 days. So it has been very hard. We have 2 kids, 7 and 9. the oldest is a boy and young a girl. My problem is my kids no longer respect me, listen to me, or care what I ask them to do. I have never had problems with them in Michigan, so I know it is because their dad is gone so much. That is not going to chnage until the first of the year. I do not know what to do with them, I have disclipined them, taken away tv, playstation, horses, friends, ect.

I am getting so depressed about what to do with them, my husband tries to help but he is to far away, and when he is home, he has total control of the kids, I tell him he gets to deal with them when he is home. He gets them somewhat back to normal but it only lasts a few days and they are worse then before. My family is shocked how much trouble they are giving me.

Can anyone suggest to me what to do with them?

I am a firm believer in spanking when it is needed, I was spanked and I turned out ok, so on that note it has been done and not worked. Please no flames.

Oh and I have also tried positive things, if they do what I ask then we go to the movies, go to the beach, etc... They are to the point where they don't care if they get something fun!!

WHAT DO I DO???

 

[Charley]

Talk to them. Explain that you know how hard it is to pack up and move and also leave dad behind. Make sure they know that it is a long time until he will be able to be with y'all but that you need them to help you as much as possible. Keep your communication open. Keep them busy. Get them to join new groups....baseball, scouts, something that they choose so they can make friends and get things back to normal. Let them help decorate their rooms. Let them have friends over for cook outs and join whenever you can. Let some things slack....you don't have to be unpacked completely right away. Look at what they are doing, what they are listening too, what are their new interest, join in whenever possible. Get to know what is changed in their lives and help them to fit in their new community and friends.

Don't involve them in grown up things, like money. Just get them headed in the right direction and be a guiding influence. If you say no, mean it.

Not knowing specifically what they are doing, I hope this helps some. We were a military family and moved often. It just takes time to settle in. They got in to the tail end of a school year but going back to school now may be a big concern to them. Schools vary so much from state to state. Talk, listen and listen some more.

 

[OhHorsePee]

I was a single parent for a long time to two boys. Let me tell you if you are not consistant you wont get any where! Tell them you do this or that or you lose you nintendo or whatever loving toy they have for X amount of time. They will test you and then you have to follow through and take whatever you said you would. And you can not give in and give it back early either or you have wasted your time.

My sons are grown now and they talk to me about how they learnt to tow the line. They always say they will do it the same way.

I wouldn't put it on your hubby. The kids need to respect YOU not just him.

 

[barnbum]

You must be so frustrated. I'm sorry. Parenting is the hardest job in the world.

You need to be calm and in control. Have a family meeting. Explain there are expectations to their behavior--give examples of what is positive behavior and examples of what is NOT okay. Tell them their bad behavior makes life extra hard. Maybe say since the move--and with you missing daddy--you haven't been on top of things like you should, but you're ready to be a better parent.

Tell them the whole family is a team--and it's tough right now with daddy away so much, but it is not an excuse for bad behavior. Team work is needed in huge amounts right now while everyone copes with the separation. You've got to help each other through. Ask them why they feel they need to behave badly. Maybe they will find the core to the trouble.

Tell them it is your duty as a parent to discipline them so they can grow up to be the best they can be. Make a list of appropriate consequences for bad behavior...and make sure you follow through every single time. Be careful what the consequences are--I had one kid who hated being sent to his room--but my daughter loved it.

Tell them they have decisions--bad decisions will result ion consequences. Period. It's cut and dry--black and white. Here's what they are--show them. (I'll work with you on those if you'd like.) The consequences to good decisions are a happy mom--and dad and family. Maybe they need to report to their dad every night as to how they did. Maybe they need to keep a list of all the good decisions they made so they can give it to him when he gets home--or email it.... From here on out, bad decisions will NOT be tolerated or acceptable.

I wouldn't reward good behavior. It's what is expected. That's not the way life works. But--that's not to say that you can be so happy about good days you want to celebrate by getting ice cream cones....or going to McDonald's.

The trickiest part will be in following through. If you say it--you must do it. Don't yell. Don't even raise you're voice. Just state the facts and give tons of praise and smiles when it's been a good hour--or half day or day. It will get better. I promise.

I have very well behaved kids who are now 18 and 21, and I teach 10 year olds and have the subs' favorite class to come into because the students are so awesome.... so I do have an idea of what may work.

 

[h2t99]

Thank you everyone for the suggestions, I finally got so upset with them today I told them to just stay away from me. That they had me so upset that I did not even want to be around them. well that actually seemed to work, they went up and cleaned their rooms and did their chores!! Then they came out to the pasture where I was checking horses and apologized for being bad!!

I just do not understand how ignoring them works better then taking everything away from them!! I swear parenting is the hardest thing in the world!! Hopefully we can get back on the right track, thankfully school starts Monday!!

 

[barnbum]

I swear parenting is the hardest thing in the world!!

That is a fact! You have terrific kids--terrific kids make bad decisions. They want--need parents to be in control--to be in charge.

You'll be fine.

The toughest year of parenting for me was when my son was age 3-4. Wow.

It's never been that challenging again.

 

[Miniv]

Thank you everyone for the suggestions, I finally got so upset with them today I told them to just stay away from me. That they had me so upset that I did not even want to be around them. well that actually seemed to work, they went up and cleaned their rooms and did their chores!! Then they came out to the pasture where I was checking horses and apologized for being bad!!

I just do not understand how ignoring them works better then taking everything away from them!! I swear parenting is the hardest thing in the world!! Hopefully we can get back on the right track, thankfully school starts Monday!!

I suspect that they are acting out their own frustrations regarding the move and having their dad gone so much. And you are the handy one since you are home! However, you are also their security. And doing what you did was like throwing some cold water on their faces. (And I'm not saying it was a bad thing, either.)

Yes, I've done the same to my daughter. It's not something to do regularly or they won't take it seriously. When I've done it, Brianna knows she's pushed things to the limit and she reacts very much the way your kids did.

I don't have any major advice for you.........except sitting them down and having a heart to heart with them about how you know how tough everything is moving and not having their daddy home regularly, and that you don't like it either. Then, you need to lay down your rules......tell them the consequences if your rules are not followed, and then STICK TO THEM.

Explain that the best way everyone is going to make things easier is if you all work AS A TEAM. But, YOU are the "Team Leader". Oh.......and let them have their say about THEIR feelings during your "talk" too....... You might even want to plan on having regular little talks every week or two, just so all of you can share.

Frankly, I don't envy your situation.........I've only had to handle being the "single parent" for a week or two at a time, but then dad would be home for a few weeks.........NOT a few DAYS. Hope your situation changes in the near future......

 

[h2t99]

Unfortunately our situation will not change until probably February!! We pay our semi off the first of the year and then my husband is going to get a job here in Tennessee!! So right now it is very hard on all of us! I did have a talk with the kids about what their behavior has done and what needs to change or things will be getting bad on their end!! I will start selling, games, animals whatever means the most to them will be gone until they straighten up!! I have let them get away with to much because I know they miss dad but the disrespect stops!! So we will see what happens!! They are normally very good kids and I get compliments all the time about how well behaved and respectful they are, so I know this is something we can work out and I can get my good kids back!!!

 

[AppyLover2]

I was a single mom for a very very long time (actually it seemed like forever). As my daughter got older I started doing the "tough love" kind of things and they eventually worked. She finally realized that SHE had to be responsible for her own actions. Like others have said you've got to follow through with whatever you say you're going to do....please, please don't make idle threats. I watched my sister do that with her kids and they were all little demons.

A couple things to consider.....sit down with the kids and ask them what kind of punishment they think is deserved for different things. I've heard (don't know it for a fact) that sometimes the kids will come up with things the parent would have never thought of and just because they come up with something doesn't mean it's what you've got to do. But it might be something to consider. Another is - do you send them to their room as punishment? If so, are there things in the room like a computer, TV, toys - things that they can entertain themselves with while they're there? If so.....get them out of there. Punishment doesn't mean just going into another room for entertainment.

I really wish you luck with this....We love our kids dearly but being an only parent is just plain HARD.

 

[Flatbroke Farms]

I agree that consistancy is the key. If you give in once, they know you'll give in again and again. You have to be firm and fair at all times. Not just fair to them, but fair to yourself, too.

A book that I recommend is called 1-2-3 Magic. It discusses discipline for kids 2 to 12, I believe - both start and stop behaviors. I checked it out from the library on someone's recommendation. It sounds silly at first - the counting to 3 - but surprisingly enough, I'm finding that it actually works because by doing the counting you completely eliminate any discussion. There is no begging, bartering, whining allowed. Also, there's no emotion allowed - which means you cannot raise your voice. It is simple, direct, and matter-of-fact.

It also discusses Start behaviors - what to do when you want your child to do something. For example, if you want your child to hang up his/her coat, you have various ways of handling that and certain consequences if it does not happen - outside of the whole counting thing. One suggestion it gave was making them pay for your services. Say, if the child still refused to hang up said coat, then you simply dock their allowance or make them pay for the service by 'purchasing' one of their possessions.

I hope it gets better for you!