Quantcast

HOw to deal with a disrespectful kid?

Miniature Horse Talk Forums

Help Support Miniature Horse Talk Forums:

Ashley

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 30, 2002
Messages
5,529
Reaction score
72
First let me say he is my step son, not my biological child. He is now 10, I have been around since he was 8. He is not at all raised like I would raise a child so that dont help.

He has absolutly no respect for me. He will not listen and I can not get him to do anything. Which makes things tough as I am home almost 24/7 with him, and I so cant wait for school to start in 2 weeks.

I do not get any back up from his parents either. The opinion there is, I am and adult and I need to make him listen. There is only so much I can do, and not to have support from my other half, yet to have them both against me is hard.

Im going insane, my patience are pretty much gone, and not to mention it has put me in a bad mood 99 percent of the time. The things that tick me off just make the little things that annoy me so much worse. For example wet clothes in the laundery, clothes worn and hour or 2 in the dirty laundery. While they would annoy me before, it seems like its 10 times worse now.

HE back talks, is rude and has the "you cant make me" attitude. He has been worse since there is a friend over, but the latest thing is to tell me how my head is hollow........which tyipically blows off my shoulders and I get that alot, but it just isnt anymore.

I know its all part of rasing kids but help!!!! I am at my max of stress.
 

alongman

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 22, 2005
Messages
1,110
Reaction score
1
Location
Minnesota
Try reverse psychology - maybe he wants positive attention from you but only sees you getting upset so settles for negative attention. Have a "family fun night" - games, ice cream at the store, movie, something cheap/easy he wants to do, etc.... If he has a list of expectations you set each week (maybe have to make him a list so there's no confusion) and he meets them, then he gets to do something fun and positive. He sets the precedent. If he doesn't meet the standards, then he just lost out on the prize himself. Then he can watch YOU do something fun that you've wanted to do.

Edited to say - I spent some darn good quality time in my room without the luxury of DVD, TV, Nintendo, etc... when I back-talked. Stand up for yourself - I saw you get after one or two little geldings in my life. Threaten him with that!!!!
 
Last edited by a moderator:

OhHorsePee

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 27, 2005
Messages
1,736
Reaction score
0
Location
Ohio
Sorry you are going through this Ashley! Mouthy kids are hard to take!! It all depends on their age but I am a firm believer in time out. No matter how many times he will remove himself I would put him back until he was ready to appologize. I am also (depending on age and crime that has been committed
) am a firm believer in stripping precious things from their room. I have taken everything but the bed before. I was a single mom to two boys. You have to be tough and consistant and NEVER give in. You can't raise your voice because they know they have you upset. Pick your punishment. Tell him why he is being punished and what you expect from him. If you are consistant you will nip in the bud quickly.

Good luck!
 

Ashley

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 30, 2002
Messages
5,529
Reaction score
72
He does have a list. He doesnt do it. Theres this compotition between parents to see how can give him more which is part of the problem.

Anything he leaves around the house is taken away. He has already lost his horse, she will be going to a sale in a few weeks.

He doesnt have a tv or anything in his room.

I do punish but as soon as his mom gets home he runs to her, then its 2 against one. Also if I punish she gets mad that I am to harsh and lets him get away with it.

Oh and Adam, that threat dont work. I had to get after him and his friend today as they get this thrill out of kicking each other between the legs and standing on them parts to see who can be in the most pain.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Candice

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 10, 2006
Messages
788
Reaction score
0
Location
Lake Placid, Florida
I don't agree. That isn't "part of raising kids". Its a shame that his biological parents aren't setting better boundaries and backing you up. Personally I think the worst age for kids (sanity wise for parents) is around the age of 10.

If I were you I'd start getting his attention by "hitting him where it hurts". so to speak. If he's rude when a friend is over. Well, I wouldn't allow any friends over until he can be respectful. I also would not allow him to go over to any friends house. At our home when rules are broken priveleges are removed. What do I consider a privelege? Anything of value to that child. You have to stick to your guns too. I'm not talking a few hours. I'm talking weeks at your son's age. It sounds harsh, but by golly it does work.

You have to explain to him how this works. If he wants to backtalk and be rude. Tell him point blank that he will NOT talk to you like that and if it happens again, exactly what privelege he will no longer have. You will hear "Thats not fair, you can't do that." Thats when you say "I can and I will". When he tests you, stick to your guns and be firm. Take it and tell him its yours until he can behave. You have to choose something that is very important to him or he won't care.

At one point in time several years ago, my oldest daughter was so mean spirited with her mouth that I had 90% of her "valuables" in my possession, including her bedroom door. Yes, she did straighten out and is on her own and a Junior in College this year. She learned we "meant business" and slowly earned her things back.

Its hard. You have to be firm though. If you don't get him under control now it will be much harder later on.

Hugs to you and good luck. Be Tough!!! Its in his best interest and More parents need to be.
 

kaykay

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 24, 2008
Messages
4,390
Reaction score
4
Location
ohio
I have to disagree with the above. This isnt the kids problem this is a huge communication problem between adults. You cannot discipline him if you are the only one. You have to have the support of your partner or it will never work. So for me I would start with your partner and get things straight from there first. Not much you can do about the other biological parent. But you and your partner have to be together on this! Rusty and I never ever go against each other and especially never in front of the kids. we present a united front at all times.

Kids are so smart and they know they can play you against each other.
 

Mona

Well-Known Member
Joined
Aug 17, 2003
Messages
11,922
Reaction score
345
Location
Morson, Ontario, Canada
Ashley, I think Candice is right on in her advice. Also, it is VERY important that Lori supports you fully and helps you. She should definately NOT be siding with him against you!
You need to talk!
 

Marty

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 30, 2002
Messages
13,596
Reaction score
520
Location
Tennessee
This is kind of hard for me to read because I feel guilty that I may have been too strict sometimes raising mine.

You need to learn to pick and choose your battles wisely. You may win the battle but loose the war. Things like wet clothes in the hamper are nothing to gripe about and is part of it all; goes with the territory of a ten year old. Sure, I've said that one a million times but they still would do it but not hardly making an issue out of. That is just trivial to me. If the little things are ticking you off, you are in real trouble. But THAT MOUTH would and has driven me nuts and I didn't like that at all. Things like stealing or hitting or telling lies, that is where I would feel it is important to draw the line, but not wet laundry in the hamper. Get what I am saying? Not nit-picking on the small stuff.

I really think that unless the whole family is united and consistant, you are pretty much sunk trying to take a stand alone. It's not fair but you should have back up.
 

nootka

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 30, 2002
Messages
7,547
Reaction score
0
Ditto to what the above have said about talking with his mother.

other than that, you can lay down the law in his treatment of YOU, and always be the same, be consistent with that. he will grow to respect that about you, if nothing else.

He has to earn your respect, and explain that to him, and tell him just how to do that.

Good luck, this is a tough situation.

His parents are doing him NO favors by not disciplining him consitently, though....

Liz
 

Ashley

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 30, 2002
Messages
5,529
Reaction score
72
Marty,

I dont grip about the small stuff.........ok maybe in my head. The only time I say something about it is when I get a laundery basket of moldy clothes and am expected to get them to look new again.

Its the mouth, attitude that gets me.

The only "little" thing that gets me, and I dont consider it little. Is that he gets up in the morning and turns on the tv, yet the dogs are crying to go out. He cant understand why then he has to clean any messes that are in the kennel. That just makes me mad, but cause they should be expected to just hold it, and they never go in there kennel unless they are forced to hold it to long or are sick.
 

ozymandias

Well-Known Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2008
Messages
597
Reaction score
1
First let me say he is my step son, not my biological child.
Please forgive me if I'm way off base here but it seems like flashing red lights to me that the first thing out of your mouth was "he's not MINE"

You made a point of saying that first. This poor kid is only 10 years old...he's a baby and he's lost the stability of his family. That's devastating. If you are so ready to point out to us that he's not yours...maybe he feels that way too.

Let the laundry issues go, it's not like you have to go to the river and scrub things on rocks
. Maybe you can work on laundry chores together so he realizes that making more laundry means more folding and putting away.

He's lost and possibly angry.

Show him what a strong adult you are and love him anyhow. You have the chance to turn this childs life around.

Good luck but remember - love is stronger that anything.
 

minih

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 30, 2002
Messages
3,085
Reaction score
13
You and his mom have to have a unified front, kids are happiest when they have caused chaos between two parents, and a step parent to boot. Yippee. If it were me, I would tell your other half that until she helps you in some way, any way, she can deal with him on any and all issues. You should not have responsiblity for him if she does not trust your judgement on behavior and discipine. Might shed a whole new light on it if she has to deal with him 100 percent of the time.
 

Marty

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 30, 2002
Messages
13,596
Reaction score
520
Location
Tennessee
The only time I say something about it is when I get a laundery basket of moldy clothes and am expected to get them to look new again.

He's a kid Ashley.....he doesn't care about how the laundry stinks in the hamper. That's a kid thing. Kids, especially boys don't get that stuff nor would they care. Wait till you have a hamper full of baby vomit.

Its the mouth, attitude that gets me.

The only "little" thing that gets me, and I dont consider it little. Is that he gets up in the morning and turns on the tv, yet the dogs are crying to go out. He cant understand why then he has to clean any messes that are in the kennel. That just makes me mad, but cause they should be expected to just hold it, and they never go in there kennel unless they are forced to hold it to long or are sick.

Again, this is a ten year old kid. In his world: Sponge Bob is way more important than letting the dogs out. You have to think like a kid: He's on the couch watching tv, dogs are none of his concern but tv is. Dogs are not his, they are your responsiblity to take them out; his responsiblity is to lay on the couch and watch cartoons! So the dogs pee, and he is oblivious to why this is his problem?

Clear as mud?

This is the way a little boy thinks.........they don't!

You aren't getting this yet are you?
 

Ashley

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 30, 2002
Messages
5,529
Reaction score
72
Marty,

I am not stupid. I do get it. He is the one that complains his clothes are speckled(mold stains). NOt me. Not my clothes, I dont have to ware them he does. I wants to look good for the girls so he dont like it.

ONe of the dogs is his, and that is one we are getting rid of.

I made the point of saying he isnt my biological child to show I dont have as much say in things. His father wants me to have none. HE will be the first to tell everybody I am not his parent, not me.

End of topic
 

liltnt

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 3, 2004
Messages
368
Reaction score
0
Location
sunny San Diego
I agree with minih . If she doesnt enforce him being respectful then he should go to a baby sitter. I bet she would think twice bafore she lets him be disprespectful to a sitter.
 

minih

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 30, 2002
Messages
3,085
Reaction score
13
Ashley I hear how frustrated you are. I strongly feel your situation will not get any better without help from his mom. This is more of a problem between you and her instead of you and him. You need to have a long talk with her and see if you can make her understand how the two of you being at odds is really hurting him in the long run. Growing up pitting two adults against each other will not make a happy young man.
 

Charley

Well-Known Member
Joined
May 9, 2007
Messages
2,048
Reaction score
271
My gosh, the poor kid....taking his horse to auction and his dog is being gotten rid of at the same time. Seems to me, you are being hard on him. Kids should be happy. This is his childhood. Just because you are miserable, please don't make him miserable too. Be a parent and look for things to do with him so he has a good time....earn his respect. Baseball, soccer, skateboading at the park....give him something to thank you for. Act like a parent! Treat him as you would like to be treated if you were in his shoes. This is such a problem in this country....raising kids is a joy not a chore.
 

Ashley

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 30, 2002
Messages
5,529
Reaction score
72
His horse was on trial, he had to work with her and take care of her to keep her. HE dont. I dont have time for an additional horse.

The dog, he has to go as he kills cats.
 

horseplay

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 8, 2006
Messages
280
Reaction score
0
I am reading this and shaking my head, very sad to say the least. Please remember he is just a child, most 10 year olds aren't mature enough to take care of a horse or even a dog properly. My children have horses, dogs and cats that are "theirs" but in no way would I trust them to take care of them on their own. He sounds like he is very unhappy. Sometimes when everything is taken away they figure they have nothing left to lose. Good luck and I hope this is straightened out before the baby arrives, raising children is not for the faint of heart or is that raising horses?
.
 

Latest posts

Top