Fear of being a bad parent?

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Ashley

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There has been some discussion here of haveing kids, or fostering kids. This would happen this fall. It has been being discussed since I got married in Nov.

However I have come up with a huge list of why not to have kids. Not because I dont want them, but this huge fear of being a bad parent and the kid/kids turning out wrong and it being my fault.

How do you get past that fear?
 

Marty

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How do you get past that fear?

You don't. But you also don't think of it that way. You think of how much you are going to love them 100% unconditionally, teach them, nurture them. You try everything in the book and then some to make productive little citizens out of your children the best way you can. But besides teaching them, you learn from them, something new every day. Parenting is the hardest job on earth, but the best job on earth.

I always say parents do not come with instructions, and if a child end up as dope addicts, drunks, or serial killers you did not teach them that and that is not your fault. However if your list of why not to have children is that long, or you have a list at all, you aren't ready.
 

Ashley

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MY list is a bunch of stupid little things. Nothing really concreat. THat said I have had a step son now for almost 2 years. Granted he is 10 but I think I would rather have a baby then a 10 year old. I also have 11 neices and nephews so I have learned my fair share there, just was nice to send them home when I was done spoiling them.
 

ErikaS.

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Look, you love your spouse, right? You love your equine children, too, right? And they haven't turned out too badly, I'm sure... So far, so good. Now take the next step! If you are a basically good person, you can't help but have basically good kids (of course nobody's perfect). Do you smoke, drink, do drugs, party like there was no tomorrow? If not, your kids will learn from you NOT to do those things either. Yes, they do stray from the "path of righteousness" sometimes, but if you lay a good foundation they will find thier way back to the right path. (I hope... my step-daughter did not have that good foundation and so is floundering in life right now.) I think you really have to TRY to be a bad parent to be one. The fact that you want to be a good parent is a good sign that you'll be one. Quit worrying!! Have some kids already!! The world needs more folks like you
 

Marty

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MY list is a bunch of stupid little things. Nothing really concreat. THat said I have had a step son now for almost 2 years. Granted he is 10 but I think I would rather have a baby then a 10 year old. I also have 11 neices and nephews so I have learned my fair share there, just was nice to send them home when I was done spoiling them.

hehehehe........That's pretty darn cute Ash. Doesn't sound like anything so bad on your list but nope, you cannot send them away when you are done playing with them. They stay! No matter what age, they will take up 100% of your time either physically or mentally or both and everything else comes after they do. But the thing is, you'll want it like that anyhow. You might make a very good mommy!
 

alongman

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Ashley -

You'd make a great mom! No question! Look at all the other screwed up kids running around, really, how much worse could yours be? JUST KIDDING!!!! I think that any child would be lucky to have a loving home no matter what bumps that everyone has to go through along the way of learning to make a good family.
 

FoRebel

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Ashley - like I told you last night, you never get over the fear of being a "bad" parent. I had Robbie when I was 19, didn't know a thing about how to deal with a baby and on top of that he was a preemie! I got hit with a lot with him but he's almost 5 now and he's a pretty good kid. I was SO ready for another one when Bryce came in November and Bryce is turning into a pretty good kid too. Granted he's only 7 months old but he's a happy baby.


The thing is with older kids they come with more ability to be mobile!! Babies, they learn the mobility and you can get a hold of them and learn about them before they get on the move. I could give you a million and one reasons why a baby is better than having older kids. As Marty has said too, kids (no matter what the age) take 100% of your attention (mentally and physically)! You'd be great as a Mom, Ashley! It's all a learning experience and we all have our "bad mommy/daddy" moments. At the end of the day when you can hug your kids, put them to bed and hear their voices say "I love you, mommy"; it's SO worth it!!!
 

Marty

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Well here is something that you might consider:

Figure out what you did not like about the way you were raised.

My parents were extremely strict raising brother and I. Moreso with me. But there were some things my mother did that I promised myself I would never do to my kids that she did to me, such as making me eat LIVER! My mother was a "gourmet cook for the stars" and I cannot believe she would cook us nasty stuff at home. I swear whatever she cooked and us kids hated, she would make us sit at the table forever until we cleaned up every bite. We also had set times for eating and we had to eat when we weren't hungry and then when we were hungry we always had to wait for dinner! That just makes no sense to me.
Around here, we always have dinner together but inbetween the food was availalbe no matter what time it is and I don't cook things that everyone hates in the first place.
Other than that, I really can't complain much, I had great parents and a super good childhood until it came to the dinner table:
 

Miniv

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Ashley -- The fact that you are thinking this stuff, means that you will probably be a great parent because you are not taking the responsibility lightly. Being a mom IS important and you will discover how much of a priority in your life it becomes........if you are a GOOD parent.

Marty has a good point. Your mom probably did things as a parent that you appreciated and maybe things you didn't. That may help be your guide.
 

CKC

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Ashley- I was NEVER going to have kids. My mind was constantly boggled from thoughts of being a parent to just plain being selfish not wanting to change MY ways. BUT my age eventually came into play. I had just lost a job I had for 13 years that I thought I was going to retire from someday... Immediately after that I got a part time job. Things had changed a lot in my life. My husband and I started talking and I decided well, I'm not getting any younger. If it's meant to be it's meant to be. That said... I now have two wonderful children.... Even when my first son was born(he almost didn't make it at birth) I was going through postpartum and my mind was just full of what ifs. I just wanted all of that to go away. After some time all of those thoughts go away and things settled down. The stuff I worried about was not even anything to worry about. My oldest is 4 now and I sit back sometimes and think about the advice I got from my parents and friends... I was always told it will get better... Everytime they give me advice they have been right.

The best advice I ever got was enjoy every moment with your children--- no matter what! Hard words to live by sometimes, but I'm grateful for them.

There is no instruction booklet and I do so stuff everyday that I think is good and I think I could of course, do better, but my kids are well taken care of and are loved beyond words by myself and my husband.

I can't imagine my life without the joy they give. There are MANY challenges, but I think about what I would have missed out had I not had them. They are two of the three HUGE loves of my life.

Kim
 

Bunnylady

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The clock was ticking on me, too, when my husband and I finally had our first child. He's now 12, hard to believe! When he was a baby, I swore that if he had been born to someone who believed in scheduling, one or the other would not have survived the attempt! My daughter was born with a schedule preprogrammed. When my son was just a few weeks old, someone who had known me for years asked me what motherhood was like. I said, "I feel as if I am being ground down to the very core of my being and being rebuilt. I thought I knew who I am, but I'm learning things about myself that surprise me." At times, I felt totally clueless (still do, sometimes!) but we have survived thus far with sanity intact (?)


My daughter (now 7) was an easy baby. She did much to restore my self-confidence. I noticed that mothering her was almost effortless, because I knew what she wanted or needed almost before she did. Then it hit me - I had learned all this with her brother, when I thought I was being so hopeless!

At times, motherhood seems like one big guilt trip. You will always wonder if you're getting it right. But, you do the best you can with what you have AT THAT TIME, and trust that it will all come out right. (That, and get calluses on your knees from praying for them!!)
 

Keri

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You love them every chance you get. It makes all the worries and troubles go away. My son is 14 months now. And such a joy, but a lot of work. And with you having horses, they'll learn responsibility and love and caring. You'll worry, but in the end, everything comes natural.

Just remember, that you need time for yourself too. In order to be an awesome mom, you need to take an hour and do something for yourself. You devote your life to your children, but don't forget you.
 

Laura

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[SIZE=12pt]I'm a huge believer in the "learn better and do better" theory of life
As has already been said, look at your childhood, the way your friends and family members parent and decide WHAT KIND of parent you want to be and then realize that a child is a person and people bring change to your life. [/SIZE]

As much as most of us would hate to admit it, we're a lot smarter the second, third, fourth or whatever time around. Each child teaches you new ways to parent and God definitely has a sense of humor
.

I'm both more strict and more permissive than I ever thought I would be. I don't hit, ever. Not that I don't want to sometimes, but I just WON'T..it's too easy to hit a problem instead of FIXING the problem. I'm commited to trying to FIX what's wrong, not hit it until it stops


Do I make mistakes, yep, TONS~LOL But, if each generation tries to do better than the generation before, isn't that what we all want?
 

maplegum

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Parenting does not come with an instruction manual, it's a learn as you go type of thing.

Don't be scared Ashley, you are deniyng yourself the most wonderful experince. I honestly think I'm a great Mum. Sure, I have times when I make the wrong decisions, but luckily, I have pretty wonderful kids who bounce back from it all.


Being a mother is the BEST job in the world. There is nothing to fear. The rewards are priceless.
 

strass

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Ashley,

This may sound a bit cold, but I want to express the other side of things (and just vent my frustration with the human race).

One thing to keep in mind that most people overlook is the fact that you aren't required to have kids. There are almost 7 BILLION people on the planet. Each one of them requires resources to sustain them. Honestly, we don't NEED any more people.

Nobody ever stops to think about their breeding either. Do you have anything to add to the Gene Pool? If you’re a jobless bum who didn't do very well in school, has no talents or skills beyond milking the system, or is sick all the time; chances are the planet could live without you passing all of that on. I know plenty of people with Genetic Faults that insist on reproducing. "All Children are precious. It's not their fault." True. It's the parents who knew they had poor genes that are to blame. (I know, let the flames fly.) I’m just one of those jerks that believes that Human Evolution has come to an abrupt halt or might actually be moving backwards. It’s a statistical fact that highly intelligent people, on average, have fewer children than those with less impressive IQs. We get so caught up in how we CAN save everyone and we CAN have cute little babies, that we never give any thought to whether or not we SHOULD. (My single greatest complaint about human beings is that we spend more time thinking about what we "have a right to do" than we do thinking about what is "the Right Thing To Do".) Increasing over population will lead to greater hardships on today's kids when they become adults.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest: I don't know you, but I have to agree with what some of the others have said. You're stopping to think about it, not taking it lightly, and that leads me to believe that you just might be a good mother.

If you're scared of babies (I’m scared of poopy diapers.), there are a TON of kids out there waiting to be adopted. Many of these kids have already seen what a bad parent is. (People who should be spayed or neutered) All these kids want from you is Safety and Love. You'll look like a hero to them if you just care. In my opinion, adoptive parents in general are heros who give of themselves to take on the responsibilities that someone (who probably shouldn't have had kids) failed on.

Now, for those who will attack me on my 2nd paragraph: I am 32 years old, am never sick, and have been employed in some capacity since I was 14. I’ve had a stable good-paying job for the last 12 years. My IQ tests indicate that I’m in the upper 2% of the population. This morning, I bench pressed 400 lbs and then ran 5 miles. I don’t need chemicals to function, take great pride in my ability to out-work others, and my best trait is that I’ve been married to a woman smarter than I for almost 3 years. Just so you’ll know that I practice what I preach…I do NOT believe that anything I just listed makes me at all "special" and am yet to Sire any Children of my own because I’m not sure that I really have anything that needs to be added to the Gene Pool. Why should I be so audacious as to insist that I reproduce when there are better people than me out there who should be passing on their traits first? Why make more babies without first providing for the ones that are already here and in need of a loving home?

(I know, sometimes I can be a real downer. Sorry. I’ll try to be more upbeat next time.)
 

Marty

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Mike darlin, points very well taken. You are so logical! You make such sense! But Mike, there are times when logic can go fly a kite because the bottom line is all about LOVE. Take it from a lady old enough to be your mama: Someday if you have your own child who will no doubt be a great asset to the gene pool, smarter than all get out, maybe our next president, I promise you will come back to eat some of those words because you will fall in love with your child like no words can even describe and that baby will be GREAT no matter what his IQ turns out to be. Logic and Love have only two letters in common; they really just don't go together very well.
 

disneyhorse

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Ha ha ha Mike... this is EXACTLY what my husband and I think!

But then... he wants ONE kid (I don't really) so he uses the "highly intelligent people have less kids" factor and says we need to add at least ONE smart kid to the future.


Has anyone seen IDIOCRACY???!!! Mike I think you would love this movie. It's made by the guy that did "King of the Hill" and "Office Space." It is an offensive, crass movie but freakin' hilarious. All the stupid people keep breeding, the premise of the movie is set in the future. An "average Joe" is frozen and wakes up in the future after all the stupid breeding has gone on for generations... and he is considered a genius in comparison... the smartest guy on the planet.

Andrea
 

OhHorsePee

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Ashley, Ron and I are doing Foster to Adopt. My youngest child will be 25 this August. We have had the house to ourselves for 7 years almost. We have 4 boys between us and going through it all again is scarey to us in some ways. If you don't feel a baby is for you (this is how we feel) then try an older child. When we went through our classes we were told that 91% of all children age 12 that were in the system will never get a home we knew older children was the way to go. Besides that you have an activity with the horses that I am sure most children would love to do. What a great ice breaker, huh?
 

Ashley

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I know I have bad genetics, there is lots of stuff I dont want to pass on. HOwever thats not the issue as I wouldnt be carrying it.
 

strass

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Andrea, I have seen that movie and I must admit that I found it funny and yet a scary possible truth at the same time. The main character was chosen for the freezing project because he was “the most average man on the planet”. When he thawed out several hundred years later, he was now the smartest man on the planet. Jesus didn’t have kids, Mother Theresa didn’t have kids, but Billy Bob down the road has 6 kids he never sees with 5 different women whom he never pays child support to because he’s an unemployed alcoholic meth addict with a family history of every health problem you can imagine and an IQ of 54? Yee-haw!

Marty, you know I respect you and your opinions. For a few years now, I have read your posts and always found wisdom in your words. I have eaten my own words MANY times in the past. I'm sure it will happen again. I already know a small bit of what you are referring to. My wife came with a son. His bio-father wanted nothing to do with him and he is lacking many of the benefits a boy gains from having a father around. Nevertheless, his mother did well with what she had and the boy has a good heart. Since I came around he has made progress beyond what I would have imagined. (Not because I’m any kind of great parent, but simply that he so badly wanted a Dad who would just love him and teach him how to be a man.) Whether he succeeds in things or not, he is my son and I will always love him with all my heart. I’m just not one of those people who needs to be genetically linked to a child in order to love them.
 
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