Dealing with a dying parent

[Sonya]

Thought I would come here and share my feelings with you all...I know you have all gone through this (and even the passing of a child, which I can not even fathom)...My Dad has been sick for a very long time...5-6 years dealing with COPD...he would have good days where he could do alittle and then many bad days where he just laid in bed. He lasted alot longer than they expected and has been on Hospice for over a year (twice a week)...last week they started coming daily and my Father has requested my sister from NC and me. My parents live in PA along with my older sister, I am in MI.

I knew this was coming, but it certainly doesn't make it easier. Living far away and having a job I just can't leave whenever has given me alot of guilt, we go there to visit about every 3 months...it has also been hard being at work and trying to focus. I had to call in sick on Thursday because I was just too emotional, I am an Air Traffic Controller...and I have to be focused. I know he is suffering and I want to tell him it's ok he can go, or say something really profound that puts him at peace...I know he is afraid....I have laid awake at night trying to think of the way I want to say it. My Dad is 71, not young, but not really old for todays standards.

Me and my sister are going to meet at my parents this Monday....Anyhow, just wanted to share....I know many have gone through this and understand. I just hope I can be strong when I get there, I don't want to break down in front of him, I don't want him to worry about any of us.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Mona]

My heart goes out to you at this difficult time.

 

[minimomNC]

I was there with my husband when he passed. He had been in a coma for 4 months, everyone on LB was great. Always checking on us and sending prayers. But once I had realized that he was not coming back, he was getting worse every day, I sat with him, held his hand and told him I would be ok. If he felt he needed to go, I would be ok now. He passed 15 hours later. I don't know if I ever really cried, I don't remember a lot. But I held it together in front of everyone, it was the worst time of my life. So I know how you feel. Don't worry about crying, he's your dad and he will understand your hurt. Just tell him you love him and let him know that if he is ready that you will all be ok. I think they just need to know that. Dont feel guilt for living either, he knows your life is not easy with your type of job. Just be together when you can and remember there are many that are sending you prayers.

Audie had surgery 8 years ago today, he never woke up. But I had such a wonderful support system with my friends and family and still do today. Its going to be hard, but you will get through it.

 

[Sonya]

Thankyou Mona....and Thankyou minimonNC for sharing your story.

I am a very private person and it's not easy for me to express emotion. It's nice to be able to come here and know I have the support from all the great folks here. I know this is life and so many have had heartaches that are so unbearable, they have gotten through though and I will too. I just thought it would be easier....the inevitable is never easy I guess, even if you think you are prepared. My poor Mother is like catatonic at this point, she is not in the best of health either and very depressed...I am hoping when me and my sister get there we can help her through this.

 

[susanne]

Sonya, When my mother died after a very long goodbye, she had lost touch with much of the world around her, but still she taught me so much during that time.

Don't feel the need to say anything profound or something that will bring him peace. Just be there with your dad, and focus on those things that you love most about him. The rest will come naturally. Hold his hand and tell him you love him. Be honest with your emotions -- he knows he is dying, so being strong for his sake doesn't make sense. It may also help him to let him be your dad, the one you turned to for strength as a child.

Take care.

 

[lucky seven]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Lean on us anytime you need a shoulder.

 

[Sonya]

Thanks you Susanne and lucky seven. I know you are right Susanne...I think it's in my nature....I always feel the need to 'fix' something or make things better...when there is really nothing to fix (maybe I should of been a man...lol).

 

[Hosscrazy]

My heart goes out to you during this tough time... my mom passed away after a long battle with cancer at the age of 45 - I was 15 years old at the time. My only advice to you is to make sure you take care of yourself, both physically and emotionally right now. When you see your dad, let him know how much you love him. What a great father he was to you growing up. Share some of your favorite childhood memories with him... and maybe start a journal, writing down note. Every day try to think of something funny he said, something silly you guys shared together, a favorite sweater he loved to wear, a holiday dinner together. Hold onto those good memories - those are the ones he wants to you remember. But also let yourself grieve...it's part of the healing process as well. Sending you big hugs and support...

There's a wonderful book called On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross that might also be helpful for you.

Here's her website and the book on Amazon.

http://www.ekrfoundation.org/about-grief/

http://www.amazon.com/On-Death-Dying-Elisabeth-Kubler-Ross/dp/0684839385

Liz N.

 

[Jill]

Sonya, my thoughts and prayers are with you! More than I can say!!!

 

[Equuisize]

I lost both of my parents by the time I was 33. I miss them and miss the things

that they missed that I would have loved having them part of.

My father went quite suddenly but not unexpectedly, I suppose, as he'd had

small strokes off and on for years. My mother had a rare stomach cancer,

appeared to have beat it when they had to go in for a gall bladder issue and

it mestatized and she was gone in 10 days.

There is no way to prepare and yes, I think hope springs eternal that something

will magically happen to make them better.

When you get there to spend some time with him, I would just chat with your daddy

and reminisce, let him know how dear he is to you by sharing the highpints. It'll give

him an opportunity to relive those times, too. I think it's OK to let loved ones know that

you understand, when it becomes to much and they need to let go, because you will

always love and never forget them.

I wish you well & strength and send prayers to your whole family.

Take good care of yourself.

 

[WendyJ]

Sonya,

My mom died suddenly and unexpectedly, and my Dad fortunately is still healthy, so I have no words of experience or wisdom for you. But you do have my thoughts and prayers. You strike me as likely being a wonderful daughter and I'm sure just being there with your Dad will be a huge blessing all by itself.

Wendy

 

[horsefeather]

Sonya,

I have lost both parents so I know how you feel. I don't know if you believe this or not, but I so totally believe we will see our parents, friends, etc. again as I believe in an afterlife. If he is a man of faith, remind him that there will be someone who has gone ahead there to meet him. And, like the others, just talk to him and remember the good times. My prayers are with you and your family.

Pam

 

[Bassett]

Sonya, Thinking of you and your family at this sad time. I pray you will find the strength to get through this and find comfort in thinking of the good times you've had with him. Never easy letting go. Take it an hour at a time. Be strong but take time to grieve and by all means think of yourself and take care of YOU. ((((((((HUGS

))))))))

 

[Marty]

My mother died in a nursing home in her sleep from alzheimers.

I don't think you have to plan on what to say and what to do. You'll know when you get there. I'm glad you are going and I can only imagine how happy your dad will be to see you again.One step at a time.

I have COPD too.

 

[Carolyn R]

Sending you prayers,praying for your strength and for mercy for your father. I am fortunate to still have my parents, my dad has made it through a few heart surgeries and my mother has survived breast cancer. I have been through it with my aunt whom we cared for,for a year when she was diagnosed with cancer the same time my mother had breast cancer, as well as the last 4.5 years of my grandmothers life. Both needed 24/7 care. It never gets easier,....I lost my uncle last year, but was able to see him a few times before he passed, he was pointedly direct knowing everything that was happening to him, which made it extremely hard. My last words to hm were, I love you and if I don't make it back here to see you again, I WILL see you again.

Marty is right, the words will come and just seeing you again will put your heart and his at ease. Focus on the difference he has made just by being in your life, the rest will fall into place, it always does.

God Bless

 

[Miniv]

My heart goes out to you. It's very hard, I know......

My mother passed after being ill, but none of us expected her to not make it.....So, there was no real "good bye". (Although I think she "knew", but that's another story.)

My father had a heart condition and by the time he went to the hospital he told my husband he knew.......The night before, he and I had a chance to spend some special time together. Mixed in with telling him that I loved him and how important he was to me, we just shared some wonderful memories. And finally, I was able to assure him that I was going to be okay with whatever life dealt me......I remember him smiling and admitting that I'd already handled some rough stuff...... He passed away the next day under morphine, and in my arms. I am so grateful for that wonderful visit we'd had. Not many people are given that.

I hope you have a chance to just visit with your dad about memories, laughter, and love.....It will carry you on, even during those dark times.

 

[Sonya]

Thankyou everyone for your prayers, thoughts, kind words and stories. They truely do help. Basically he has been sick since he retired and that makes me sad...I just wish things would of been different and he would of been able to enjoy the last years of his life more, but I can't change that. I don't think he ever really accepted how sick he was until the last week or so.....I do know that I will see him again someday. Thankyou for all the ((hugs)) I need them.

 

[REO]

{{{{{{{Sonya}}}}}}} I'm so sorry

It's ok if you cry. Just tell him how you feel. Let him know that you will be ok AND that you'll look after your mom. He has to be worried about leaving her. I'm sure that will help bring him comfort knowing that.

 

[jacks'thunder]

Sonya please know you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Huge ((((hugs))))

 

[ozymandias]

Sonya,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with the others that have said don't worry about to say. Just tell him you love him and the rest will follow.

I have something that I want to share, to help you in this time....

Gone From My Sight

by Henry Van Dyke

​

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,

spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts

for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.

I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck

of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,

hull and spar as she was when she left my side.

And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"

there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices

ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"