Bad evening

[JennyB]

[SIZE=12pt]Hi all,[/SIZE]

I am just sitting here in my sister's spare bed room at 1:38am MT in the middle of Montana, 500 miles away from home, husband and animals feeling very sad and lonely

: :new_shocked:

: I have been here 1 week after leaving my husband for the 2nd time in 24 years...I have issues of anxiety and depression which I have been dealing with all of my life(the last 22-years have been the worst). My husband is an ex-vietnam veteran, who drinks too much and buys things we don't need. We are in debt to our eye-balls

: and I am SO tired of living the way I have been living, but I still love and miss he so much it HURTS so bad

:...I am getting counseling, going to al-anon meetings and co-dependency meetings here, but I am reading conflicting articles about co-dependancy

: Most say you shouldn't be co-dependant and I am certaily co-dependant, but others say, it is a scam and is one of the main reasons for divorce... :new_shocked:

I know that I am not well enough to go back to him and he has his issues to work out too. I am just so afraid that I am going to loose him.

: I feel like I have betrayed him by leaving him, leaving with all the bills, the work around the house, plus him working 5-6 days a week 100 miles from home everyday, but I had to as I was having suicidal thoughts(having acted out one time already in November) and was so sad. So I threw somethings together, took my dog and vanned it over here. His last words to me were "good ridance!"

: Now he wants me to come back again...

: It is hard to be patient and try to do the right things. I don't know why I am saying all of this here as I am not one to spill my troubles on others... :new_shocked: So forgive me if I sound silly or crazy to you all. I have never been so confused in my whole life...

:

Here I am 50-years-old and I am trying to start living differently..I am not sure that I can do it?

: I have felt better in many ways since I have been here and have been on a new medication for my depression for a month now, but night time is SO hard. I have a hard time going to sleep! If I didn't have my dog right with me and the love of my sister and her husband, I don't know what I would do :new_shocked: I feel like I have been such a failure as a person and wife for so long...Since my sister and her husband are sound asleep, I thought I would write my feelings down here so maybe I would feel better and could go to sleep. I guess if I ask "what should I do?"...I am being co-dependant... :no:

Oh well thanks for listening...

Jenny "totally lost in Montana"

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[CLC Stables]

I am thinking of you Jenny..............always look up never down............

 

[Sonya]

I think it is important that you get what you need - counseling and such and hopefully your husband will also to work out his issues. You need to fix you before you can help him fix himself and the marriage. I will be thinking of you...you are very brave for taking the steps to get better and improve your life. There is a wonderful world out there, depression free, and you will find it. Sending prayers for you and your husband.

 

[OhHorsePee]

Jenny,

So sorry about what you are going through. There is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that is wonderful!

Good luck and God bless.

Fran

 

[MyBarakah]

Hi! I'm sorry you are going threw a ruff time! I can deffinately relate! Going threw my divorce.. I was told people that split up usually go back 7 times (average) before they finally make it final... That was suprising for me to hear! Yikes!

Well... I knew if I left.......... there was NO going back..... My X is a alcoholic....... and was extremly verbally abusieve! It helped I kept a daily log! Lets just say the judge did NOT like my X to say the least! lol! But I had a plan...... I knew for 2 years that I would be leaveing and going threw a divorce..... I had WAY too many horses at the time and had client horses I wanted to get showed that year..... plus the job I have now wasn't open nor the place I wanted to rent was not open either........ But I didn't want to move to town either! I'm kinda stuborn that way! I want/ HAVE to have things just right....... Well..... I've ALWAYS considered my horses (big or small)..... I dont' just see them as horses.... those ARE MY KIDS! And my X would NEVER take care of them if I left them..... along with the cats.... I have 9 cats! ugh! Most are barn cats....... but all with HUGE funny personalities! They are spoiled also! lol! But let me tell you... the more independent I got... especially having my own training operation and showing with the "big boys" and I had a working student help me with the kids..... my X never helped..... he was always gone 90% of the time (railroad and farmed)........ but when he was home it was plain H#LL!!!

It's been tough! I've had to sell some extremly tallented horses that I wanted to see how far I could get them! That's what I do best! And LOVE! And some of them I raised since they were babies!!!! So to un-emotionally attache myself to them........... was one of the hardest things I've had to overcome.....

Especially to where I'm to where I'm at that point in life.... I'm so content with my minis..... I'm now wanting to sell my last big horse........ who is my big baby! But he's over at my mom's........ and that does help "prepare" me for sending him to a new home (when I find that "right" home for him,,,,,that may take a year!)... To a good dressage home only!!.....

But the one thing I see when I read your reply........ is that you NEED to get some confidence and DO NOT EVER.......EVER feel guilty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You need to realize....... He is the one with the problem..... He has the alcohol problem......... You are VERY smart for making the right decision in getting out of there! Good for you! DON'T EVER go back! I would try to get someone to come in there and get them minis out! Get a restraining order or set it up with the courts so you are able to get in there and get your animals and what ever else you need! I don't know what your laws are there......

I had it all set up with the lawyer/court before I left..... because when you leave........if you don't take it before you left....... good luck getting it afterwards...... And I knew what kind of rage my X would be in and would of probally shot all my animals if any was left behind!

I did NOT tell him what I had planned because I knew he'd flip out! After living with him for 8 years... I knew exactly how he'd react!

I had a bunch of people with horse trailers with the help of my parents..... and they all helped move me while my X was at work in 2 hours!!!!!!!!!! And there was ALLOT of stuff! lol! Amazing how much crap a person can accumilate over 8 years! ugh~!!!!

I'm still now going threw bits and pieces!

But let me tell you! When it's all done and over with........ HOLLY COW! WHAT A HUGE relief! It's like a 50lb weight being lifted off your shoulders!!!!!!!!!

It's So awsome! It's so nice to be incontrol of my own life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!

No one there to chew you out for getting this or buying something that wasn't on sale at the grocery store!

I don't know if I could EVER EVER go threw that again..... I know I would never. I know if I ever went back... he may be nice for a little while...... but people don't change! The niceness wears off and they go back their old selfs! I've learned TONS from this marriage....... all for the good and don't plan on ever making the same mistake twice!!!!

I will never put myself in that position again! I was young and dumb the first time at age 23... but been to college and thought it was the right time..... and never lived with him before I got married....... the FIRST mistake there! lol! umgh! ha!

Ok...... well.... I'm going to be late for work!!!!

But please......... don't go back! You are doing the right thing!!!!!!! And do NOT EVER feel guilty!!!!

Be proud of yourself for making the right decision! Think of it as your 2nd chance at life!!!!! That is how I view this! Yes.... it will be tough!

Anytime you want to e-mail me or what ever! Feel Free!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Jill]

Jenny, I am thinking of you!!!

You are smart, I think, trying to get yourself in order right now. You can't be there for someone else if you're not there for yourself first.

 

[hhpminis]

Oh Dear Jenny

I am so sorry. What you are feeling is all normal and is in itself issues of co-dependancy. I am glad you are getting counseling. These people have seen it all and nothing you will say or do will surprise them. Right now you need to take care of Jenny.

Your husband is supposed to be an adult so dont feel bad for making him act like one. It is called taking responsibility for your actions, something most of us had to learn much earlier in life. If talking to him does nothing but make you feel bad than dont talk to him so often. Let him know that you can survive without him. He is depending on the fact that he thinks, and so do you right now, that you cant.

You have a safe haven, take advantage of it and stay there until you can sort through your feelings and act on facts not emotions.

Please take advantage of this chance to make sure what you really want to do. Until then we are here and are listening and thinking of you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Annette

 

[Bluerocket]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}} and warm thoughts.

JJay

 

[FFFoxyGal]

(((((hugs))))))

Thinking of ya as well,........You have people on here that care.

:

 

[Reble]

Sorry to hear of a hard decision you had to make.

Please contact an Alanon Meeting and share.

They can help you understand and learn we have no control over an alcoholic, it is a sickness.

Yes, you have to get yourself better before you can help him.

check out in your area.

http://www.theagapecenter.com/AlAnoninUSA/Montana.htm

 

[susanne]

You have already taken brave, strong steps to make your life better...you're very wise seeing a counselor and attending alanon, but most of all by finally moving out.

It's only natural that you are concerned about him -- just don't let that get in the way of doing what you know is right for you.

Wrap yourself in the love and support of your family and friends, and be sure to surround yourself with people who are positive and nurturing -- avoid those who suck the air out of the room. Be kind to yourself...pamper yourself...but most of all, give yourself permission to be happy.

I wish you courage and happiness as you chart your new life, and please keep us posted on how you're doing. We're all thinking of you -- you have a tremendous support system right here.

 

[sparkle]

Awwwwww....don't feel guilty. You are doing the right thing.

YOU are the one that realized something wasn't right.

YOU are the one that is seeking help.

YOU are the one who is being strong.

YOU are the one that empowered yourself to make a change.

YOU need a pat on the back.

:

I know what you're going through is hard and it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. My parents were married for 25+ yrs and my mom had been trying to leave since I was five years old. She didn't leave until I was 25.

My dad didn't drink or hit or anything like that. He wasn't around the house much because he had his own business and is a fanatic and a perfectionist.

What brought her back all those times?? The promise of him trying and changing....and guilt.

You're going to feel guilt, sadness, grief, anger, remorse....everything. Just remember that you WILL pull through and then you will feel proud, strong and content.

You WILL get there. :aktion033:

For now, take it one day at a time and be proud of yourself for being the brave woman that you are! :bgrin

 

[shane]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[Lewella]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS JENNY}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Al-Anon is a great place and helped my mom through a life change very similar to your own. My father was a Korea/Vietnam vet who was also an alcoholic and my mother was co-dependant. You need to take care of YOU right now and put yourself first.

You know you can call me anytime! PM me if you need my cell number.

 

[Mona]

Awww Jenny...hang in there hon....things will start looking up a little with some time. Don't give up. You deserve a happy life.

: (((HUGS)))

 

[ShawneeCreek]

Jenny:

So sorry you are having such a ruff time right now. You have started in the right direction of taking the steps to change. Change you must do in order to love yourself first. You will never find YOU if you stay in the same environment. I know its easy for me to sit here and tell you to not got home when I'm not feeling the things you are feeling inside. Only you can make the decision for yourself. You have to live with it. If you decide to not return home and it literally eats you up then its not the right decision. If you decide to not return home and can see the light at the end of the tunnel then you've made the right decision. Your commitment to yourself comes first. I'm so glad you have your dog with you and your sister. Lean on them for support and they will give it to you.

Wishing you a better tomorrow

:

 

[JennyB]

[SIZE=12pt]WOW!!

: I can't believe YOU ALL are SO kind and SO supportive. I don't post on here much and didn't think many would care...I guess I was wrong :aktion033: and I am sorry to doubt that you ALL have SO mouch LOVE to give

: [/SIZE]

To my closer friends I know-Thanks your responses are THE BEST-Thank you

: To all the others who don't know me from a bale of hay....I am in awe of you! This forum is the BEST(Thanks Mary Lou!) and YOU ALL have given me encouragement to GO ON. Stay here, work on myself, stay strong and keep on going

:

I feel better tonight knowing that I have your encouragement and support. I will stay strong for myself. I have my sister, my brother in-law and my dog who LOVE me very much.

:

:

:

I know that it's still going to be very hard, but I want a BETTER life for myself. I will still miss my husband A LOT as he is such a kind, warm and generous person when not drinking. If it works out between us that would be wonderful, but if not..then it's better for both of us. But I haven't given up yet and will not return to him until "I" have all my ducks in a row again and happy. :aktion033:

From the bottom of my HEART Thank You all SO much...I am truly blessed and you surprised me with your LOVE. I will keep you posted on my progress and thanks to those who PM'ed me, your thoughts were will taken...

:

{{HUGS}} back

Jenny

 

[nootka]

Jenny, I am so sorry for all you are going through. I do think it's high past time you started finding your way back to YOU and that will not be easy, no, but it will be WORTH IT.

Please know I'm here for you and let me know if you want to talk or anything (I have free long distance unlimited just so ya know).

Take care of yourself...

Liz

 

[Marty]

Oh I believe

there are angels among us

sent down to us from somewhere up above.

They come to you

and me

in our darkest hour

to show us how to live,

to teach us how to give,

to guide us with a light of love.

:

 

[rabbitsfizz]

Jenny, sweetie, you HAVE to think of yourself. You are ALLOWED to think of yourself.

If YOU decide to go back, make sure you do it seeing all the problems and with at least promises of a desire to change.

You cannot go on living like that- how would it help you or your Hubby if you end up dead??

Now, I know you still feel bad but you MUST stop feeling guilty.

YOU have not done this thing, he has.

I am sending you lots and lots of love, I really do think it is what you need at the moment.

Consider yourself {{{{{HUGGED}}}}}} too.!!!