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Danielle_E.

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Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY #X$%^%^$&... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,

one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
 

chandab

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I saw this one before and it still makes me laugh. Wonder if its true?
 

circlesinthesand

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dunno about the civilian ones but I have tape of hubby and his classmates when they got certified. I think they only do a 1 sec burst, maybe 3, but it's definitely controlled and they're kept safe. Hubby's was pretty rough, he was the 'lucky one' that they demonstrated a 'cross body' taze where they attached one prong to his ankle and the other to his opposite shoulder. They told him after it was over that it is the worst way to get tazed. It causes it to go across the body vs being localized to a specific spot. He didn't make a sound, he just seized up and fell like a ton of bricks, flat on his face. He didn't pass out, just boom like a tree. It took 4 guys to safely guide him to the mat when he fell and hubby describes it as the worst experience of his life. He is by no means a whimpy person and I totally believe him, he's very very respectful of it!

My little nephew gets a kick out of that tape though...grown men screaming like hyenas on helium. I didn't know some of those men could hit that octave! lol. And yup there were a few that flopped around like fish.
 

vickie gee

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I too had read it before. The writer has a way with words for sure. It brings to mind how me and my curious nature has just had to find out what just a tiny whiff of pepper spray would be like, or just a little taste of wasabi without soy sauce, or just how big a bite of habanero I can stand.
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disneyhorse

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Men can be pretty dumb. At work a few years ago, one of my coworkers was talking about her taser. Two of the men started talking about wanting to "play" with it.

They ended up in a parking lot, ready to tase each other, we were circled around like a cock fight to watch. One got tased in the thigh and dropped to the ground, the other guy then opted out. It was pretty intense. No way would I want that, ever!

The poor guy was twitching all throughout dinner...
 

chandab

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There was an episode of animals gone bad or something like that, and a bull was loose in a parking lot of an event center (got loose from the rodeo); stupid cop thought a tazer would take him down, all it did was tick him off more and add to the rampage. I honestly don't know the difference in jolt between a hotshot for livestock and a tazer, but the tazer certainly didn't take down the bull.
 

KanoasDestiny

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It is so weird that this was on here today. Early this morning a man in my town was tased by a police officer and died. Supposedly it caused him to have cardiac arrest.

I have a little pink taser (950,000 volt) and it crackles when you push the button. There is no way on earth I'd ever purposely touch myself with it, but my husband is always telling me he wonders what it would feel like. Must be a guy thing. Lol
 

circlesinthesand

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I wonder if the prongs weren't actually set in for good contact when the guy tased the bull. I have seen youtube video where they had tased a bull and one of hubby's coworkers once tased a goat, and it actually worked. Goats have tough hide...sometimes tougher than cows if you ask me. Fence chargers have to be equal or greater for goats than they are for cows.
 

vickie gee

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I too had read it before. The writer has a way with words for sure. It brings to mind how me and my curious nature has just had to find out what just a tiny whiff of pepper spray would be like, or just a little taste of wasabi without soy sauce, or just how big a bite of habanero I can stand.
default_new_shocked.gif
Holy smokes Batman. Did you see that? The last part of Vickie's post was just zaaaaaped. Hmmmm, maybe even tazered...disappeared like a vanishing deductible from Nationwide Insurance.

Yes, Robin. Gone. Maybe she should have just said that consumers should be very aware that these stun guns/tazers should not be used like a toy because they are indeed dangerous and can cause injury and even death.

"Now that's funny...I don't care who you are." Larry the Cable Guy
 

LAZY J MINIS

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THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU, I HAVEN'T LAUGHED SO HARD IN A LONG TIME. THE DOGS WERE LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M CRAZY. GOOD FEELING.
 

vickie gee

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THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU, I HAVEN'T LAUGHED SO HARD IN A LONG TIME. THE DOGS WERE LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M CRAZY. GOOD FEELING.
Well, my laughter is usually at my expense!

"Urrrrrrght! I kill me!" author ALF
 
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